Wednesday, December 21, 2011

欢迎到 Macy's

  The end of the year is rapidly approaching. 
  I know what you're thinking, "Hey, Al.  The end of the year isn't for ten more days.  You've got plenty of time."  While that's true, I'm actually talking about the advent of Christmas (Theological Note:  Catch how I used the word "advent" in a sentence?  Yeah, I'm clever that way).  Because, after Christmas, we're on a greasy banana peel the rest of the way until the end of the world.  
I shouldn't make fun of it.
There's probably a party in it for me.
But, what's with the seven-candle menorah?  
  Absolutely nothing will get done next week.  Between the hangover of Christmas, the continuing festivities of Hanukkah, and the "I-Haven't-A-Frikkin'-Clue-What-Goes-On" of Kwanzaa, the last week of December is a wash.
  In fact, the only people who should go to work are the Atheists.  Because, if they're not willing to kneel until their knees go numb during Easter vigil, apologize for everything under the sun during Yom Kippur, and bitch that they're hungry during Ramadan, they shouldn't get to enjoy the perks of religion (except for that Ramadan thing, which is in August.  I just wanted to include Islam because it made for a better joke).
  My point is that I'm looking at a rapidly closing window in which to get things done.  One of those things is writing on Blogger.  I've got five days until Christmas Day and five more posts to write (because like everyone else-even probably those bandwagon Atheists-I'm taking next week off).  This means you'll have Penwasser Place for five straight days!
  Good News:  they're pretty much all written (love that delayed posting!).  Bad News (for you):  They're pretty much all written.
  Anyway, I also need to finish Christmas shopping (NOTE:  I'm glad I'm not Jewish.  Because, then I would have had to start handing out gifts last night.  In which case, I'd be screwed).
  I'm not even close to being finished.  The only thing I did purchase was that "French Tickler Party Pak" for Mrs. Penwasser.  But, after she saw the receipt, she made me take it back.
  I've been to many stores and even went to the mall (aka 'Guy Hell').  One of the stores I went to was Macy's, that fancy department store which sells clothes for rich people, perfumes that vaporize your nose hair, and coffee makers which can do everything from brew any number of Central American blends to finish your taxes.
  They also apparently sell a lot of stuff from China.
"Don't worry.  Even though it's in color, the 1994 remake sucks.
'Course, we're both dead, so what do we know?
Oh, by the way, did you hear we're having a sale on mens' slacks?"
  As I was waiting in line to get a free cup of the aforementioned coffee, I took a look at all the Christmas merchandise offered by the store which most Americans only know as sponsor of the Thanksgiving Day parade and Miracle on 34th Street.
  I was shocked that the majority of them were not made in the US (thankfully, the Yankee Candle Christmas Village was made in Vermont which, Ben and Jerry's notwithstanding, is still American).

 You would think that, at the very least, a Christmas tree would be made in Bavaria.  After all, the song is "O, Christmas Tree (Tannenbaum)." not "O, Bamboo Plant."  

"Fortune Cookies For Santa" would have been more honest.

  The part they left out after "Believe" was...."that this was made someplace in New England or at least the Midwest."  

Kinda hard to see because there was a little old lady next to me.  I didn't want her to think I was some sort of perv who enjoyed taking pictures of little wooden men.
Who were made in China. 

Mikasa.  Sounds Japanese to me.  But, what do I know?  At least this was a little honest.  After all, it's "We Three Kings of Orient Are." 
Incidentally, I don't think the camel was made to scale.  

While this was made in China, too, it made me laugh.  Because, if you pulled between my legs, my arms would fly up, to.
I didn't have a lot of time to take this picture, either.  I think that little old lady was calling store security.

I know this isn't a Christmas item, but they had to make a fresh pot of coffee. Still, it's made in China.  Even though right next to the chicken it says 'Espana.'  Which means 'Spain.'

Finally, where do you think this china is made?  You guessed it.  Germany.

  As I sampled my free cup of coffee, I started to feel a little guilty.  After all, Christmas isn't supposed to be a Western holiday only.  People from all over the world should be able to enjoy the magic of the season.  And, if they want to make a few bucks while they're doing it, they probably should be allowed to do that, too.
  At least that's what I told the mall cops when they led me away.
  Damn old lady was probably an Atheist.

Addendum:  As far as what the title of this post means:  "Welcome to Macy's" in Chinese.  May as well be prepared.


  1. I agree with absolutely nothing being done in the next week man. The New Year's the time for fighting and working, for now even a lazy slob like me feels pretty content with relaxing for a while, haha! Great stuff as always.

  2. In protest, from now on I'm making my own Chinese food!

  3. Cash in an envelope in an envelope, do I need to repeat myself year in and year out - it's the gift of choice!

    Besides, that little machine, in my basement, has been humming along without I'm pretty much done, just need to pop into a stationary store and pick up some envelopes and do a little stuffing!

    Merry, Merry and Ho, Ho,Ho!


  4. Hilarious! Especially the bit about atheists and your nickname for the mall. I'm glad that xmas is coming early for us in the form of 5 Al posts!

  5. Actually, the best part is the title, after you get the context from the post hahaha.

  6. hahahaha yeah we wouldn't want that poor lady scarred for life or those backyard squirrels hearing about you and your little wooden men picture taking fetish.

  7. the little old lady was your wife, wasn't it?

  8. It's a good thing I'm on vacation next week so I can enjoy myself while doing nothing!

  9. @Yeamie: And a slob I shall be!
    @Eva: That's probably safe. I never really trusted that new dish, Wok Your Dog, at the Beijing Buffet.
    @Jenny: Or gift cards. Except to that Chinese restaurant.
    @Sub-Radar: I absolutely HATE the mall, I don't care if they have a million Cinnabons there.

  10. ummm.... has anyone actually pulled between your legs and witnessed your arms going up, or is this just something you do for fun? LOL!

  11. Nice use of advent in a sentence Al. From one Catholic to another, I hope the Atheists go to hell. After all, we have the hell of confession, guilt and penance while on earth. China makes everything but China, why am I surprised. I'm leaving for home tomorrow, so I'll wish you and yours a Happy Holiday. (maybe next year with the French ticklers. I'll light a candle and say a prayer at Mass for you)

  12. @Pat: It's always those damn squirrels....
    @Sherilin: Oh, my, we've been doing this blogging thing for quite some time. You are correct. The lady with me was Mrs. Penwasser, although she's not old. No surprise, I tend to exaggerate. She didn't actually call store security, but she threatened to. She made sure to stay as far away from me as possible and did call me a perv for taking pictures of the nutcrackers. She didn't see me pulling Pinocchio's cord, which is probably for the best.
    @Leslie: We both will be. I won't be writing any posts, but I will be reading and commenting.
    @Avergae: A long, long time ago in an adolescence far, far away.....
    @Anne: I love being Catholic. Besides all the guilt, there's plenty of source material. Enjoy home. That's where the heart is!

  13. Brilliant, Al, I bet Mrs. Penwasser has her hands full with you. French tickler pack. LMAO!

  14. She is questioning her choice of men. I told her, "No refunds, no returns."

  15. Wrote 2 comments and deleted both.......will have my say elsewhere.

    Have a wonderful Christmas, safe and loving. Hope the New Year brings you a renewed enthusiasm for life and blogging. All the very best to you and yours.

  16. Anytime, Marlia. I'm not going far. I hope your holiday is a wondrous celebration of life (and I DIDN'T lift that from a greeting card!)

  17. Not even Druids work the last week of December. Thanks for popping by my blog today!

  18. I have a necklace kept from my childhood. You pull the little ball on a chain between the legs and the arms go up. That was still when things were all made here though.
    Online shopping is the way to go. Pick it out, pay for it, and it comes right to your door.

  19. At least your camera was made in America!... maybe. Happy Holidays!

  20. @Debra: So THAT explains why I can't get anyone to help me with those pesky wood spirits.
    @Ruth: Better than coming ON your door. I'll save you the trouble...ewwwwwwwww.
    @Bersercules: I looked. Crap! It was made in Japan. Which explains why it will only take pictures of radioactive dinosaurs. And sex robots.