Sunday, December 4, 2011

Can We Be Fat Enough?

This post is a rant about an American restaurant.  I'm quite sure those of you in other countries don't have the same problems with nutrition that we in the States do. Except if you're in the Sudan.  In that case, I apologize for teasing you with a picture of cookie pancakes.  Still, what the frik are you doing on a computer, anyway?  Sell the stupid thing to get a ham sandwich or something.

In case you ever wondered what Prince Charles looked like as a kid
 Denny's, the 24 hour eatery which features such memorable offerings as "Moons Over My Hammy", "Bacon Slamburger-Now With Your Own Defibrillator!", and "It-Doesn't-Matter-What-It-Is-Because-It's-3 AM-And-They're-All-Too-Frikkin'-Drunk-To-Notice-They're-Eating-Coffee-Grounds-Anyway" has launched a couple new treats as a promotion for Arthur Christmas.  Which, by the way, is probably worse than a Chaz Bono sex tape, but it's sure to be an annual favorite because it's a Christmas movie.  Even though it sucks.
  Hey, it works for those hideous Tim Allen movies.

  Instead of something edible, Dennys will be selling fat bombs disguised as Cookie Pancakes.
Hey, you could always eat the napkin
  And a Cookie Milkshake.
Well, milk is good for you at least.
Pay no attention to that whipped cream.  Or the sprinkles.

  Jeez Louise, can our restaurants offer us worse things to eat?  Why not have a bowl full of Snickers bars for breakfast?
  That's all the ranting I can do for now.  I'm getting kind of hungry. Better head to Krispy Kreme to pick up a dozen glazed crullers.
Oh, and like you've never Googled
"Where'd my penis go?" before?


  1. I'm a huge fan of Denny's Santa Fe Skillet. Oh wait was I supposed to be backing you up? Sorry no can do I would love a bowl full of snickers for breakfast especially if they were the ice cream kind....Yummmmmmm.
    I probably would draw the line at cookie pancakes though. Right through the middle so I could eat half at one time!

  2. hahaha can't say I've ever googled that. What? Christmas with the Kranks and The Santa Claus 50 aren't classics to you? Where's your christmas spirit?..haha

    I don't think Canada is quite as bad as you guys, but still many have their waste line expanding too, but then no one forces them to eat, oh wait subliminal messaging right?

  3. sure there's an ecuatin that correlations body fat with wow expertise.

  4. Wow man, that Arthur Christmas thing made me laugh a good bit. I was with my good friend Ryan on Thursday and we were both absolutely hysterical about the poster for that film. There's just nothing appealing at all about it, nothing to entice you, just this little animated posh looking guy giving you the thumbs up, I bet it's a pretty horrible film. Great post as usual anyway buddy.

  5. The Big American Butt lives on! I would approve if the muscle-to-fat ratio were higher.

  6. Hey - that shake didn't look bad, and then I scrolled down and saw that photo and threw up a little in my mouth. Thank you for that....

  7. OMG! "where'd my penis go" as a google search can not be okay. I refuse to do it!


    no...still not going to do it!

    I have to agree though and commercials don't help with Cookie Crisp cereal being "part of a healthy breakfast" because that is just COOKIES in milk....for BREAKFAST! Ugh and eewww.

  8. And here I am actually losing weight.

  9. Last time I was in America the girl I was with loved eating in Dennys so to impress her I stole a Dennys mug. Do you think it's safe for me to come back to America yet? It was about 15 years ago.

  10. I too am a sucker for all that crap. But I can say with pride and honesty that I've never googled "Where'd my penis go?" Well, just once.

  11. I have had the misfortune to eat in a Denny's once(notice the world once) where exactly were the tourist warnings “Do not eat here, it will shorten your life*”..... As for odd breakfast, my breakfast this morning (no word of a lie) a packet of Mince Pie flavoured crisps....and they were good.....No this is not normal I just happened to have to be on the road early and I was flying solo (so no Mrs B to judge my intake).

    *If I had to eat at Denny's regularly I would probably consider this to be a good thing

  12. "Where's my penis?" is not the first thing I thought of when I saw that picture. Gawd! I haven't even eaten breakfast yet. Now I don't want to.

    And I haven't been to a Denny's in years. There's a reason for that. You just gave me another. As for the movie, I don't see the tie-in. Is it because we Americans leave cookies for Santa? Any parent who'd allow their kid to have that for breakfast, or any other meal, deserves to have their parental rights revoked.

  13. In amongst the funniness is the tragedy - I remember a visit to Disneyland, years ago when my daughter was little, and we had dinner at the Blue Bayou Restaurant, on site - we ordered our meals and when the plates (platters) arrived I was wondering what I had ordered.

    There was enough food on our plates to feed four more people - further, it was so unappealing to see that volume of food that we sent it back and told them to scale it down.

    The plates were platters, really wonder there's an obesity problem in the States. Whatever happened to a single serving? Anyway, after that, whenever we ate anywhere I ordered one meal and asked for two side plates.

    To this day, when dining out with my daughter, we recount that dining experience and chuckle.

    Great post Al, from many angles!



  14. I agree...most restaurants servings are way larger than necessary! And Denny's has some real heart attack on a plate choices on their menu!

  15. I think they both look pretty disgusting, but then I don't like milk anyway, and I have more of a savoury tooth then a sweet one.

    I reckon it's only a matter of time before the UK has as much of a problem as you guys do with obesity - in fact we maybe do already, if you take account of the population difference.

    There are a few places here already that advertise 'american size' portions.

  16. @Bushman: I don't think I could ever eat cookies pancakes. I'm usually a fan of Raisin Bran (aka "Colon Blow").
    @Pat: And while I'm tempted to, for the scientific aspect, I won't Google that, either. I'm afraid my penis would disappear as fast as Chaz's breasts.
    @Orang3: Eat less, exercise more. Or, for a limited time only, get the "Nuclear Powered Ab Cruncher and Cellulite Mega Destroyer" NOW FOR ONLY $19.95! Shipping and handling extra!
    @Yeamie: Wouldn't it be something if it became as big a classic as "It's A Wonderful Life?" Yeah, and Lady Gaga will become a nun.
    @Gorilla: I like big butts and I cannot l... Okay, I'm lying.
    @Pat: Good thing it wasn't a cookie milkshake throw up in your mouth. Those sprinkles can put out an eye. Oh, crap, now I threw up in MY mouth. Oooooh, lunch.
    @Jewels: When I thought about it, I'm afraid what the Google search would turn up. Probably something about Anthony Weiner.
    @OT: I hope this helped.
    @Tony: I'm not sure about the statute of limitations for Coffee Cup Theft. Just to play it safe, you can cross the border in Arizona-no one will notice.
    @Robyn: If you have an order, please let us know.
    @BL: My father absolutely loved Mince Meat pie at Thanksgiving. I think he got it to make sure we kids wouldn't eat it-pastry stuffed with meat sounded kinda "zombie" to us. It wasn't until we were adults that we knew better. And now Dad's dead. Maybe there was some Mad Cow in that Minced Meat?
    @Nanacy: Actually, now that you mention it, I think it DOES have to do with leaving cookies for Santa. Duh, on my part. Still, cookie frikkin pancakes?
    @Jenny: I agree with you completely. Food portions are really obscene. Super Size me! I'm in a hurry for a coronary!
    @Eva: Oh, for the days when "fast food" were gazelles! Okay, I'm not that old.
    @dirty: "American Size." Makes me laugh and shake my head in dismay.

  17. I was thinking "where's my chair" since I don't have a penis I'd be always checking for anyways. (Yes guys ARE always checking the whereabouts of their penises and don't deny it!!!)

    They opened Denny's here near my house in Oz many years ago...closed after a couple of years - NOT enough food for us methinks. Might still be one open in Queensland.

    But we still have ALL the fast food chains the US has infiltrated the world with, including the Hog's Breath Cafe..I mean really, is there a less appetising name to entice one to dine???!!! We have been there 3 times only coz hubby is an AMERICAN!!!

    Funny stuff Al.

  18. What can I say well the movie Arthur Christmas doesn't appeal to me but I do like The Santa Clause movies with Tim Allen sorry but I do, ok I'm not sorry I like them

    Since I am in Australia and we are one fat nation I am pretty sure we have some pretty outrages fat food around although I can not think of anything that matches what you have told us about.......oh well we do have a saying here in Australia "Only in America"

  19. That's just gross. Give me a Jersey diner any day of the week. Normal sounding foods cooked in grease, 24/7. Mmmm, mmmm.

  20. I saw that ad this morning and felt positively ill.
    @ Jenny, whatever you send back to the kitchen gets thrown away. Health codes. I always bring home part of the meal. If you have a microwave and fridge in your hotel room, it is worth doing.

  21. In all honesty, I don't remember any of the times I've eaten at Denny's, because I was in fact, quite drunk.

  22. OMG that picture is awful! The milkshake; however, looked pretty appetizing! No need to think about the 4 hours on the treadmill that will be required to burn it off!

  23. LMAO at the picture of Charles. Yes, it DOES look like him when he was younger!

    I've only eaten at Denny's once. It wasn't that good. Not that I have a sophisticated palette, but that's just trucker food. They should have a dish at the register of TUMS instead of mints.

  24. @Marlia: Why, yes, we are. Hang on a second..... Yep, it's still there.
    @Jo-Anne: Truth be told, I kinda liked the first "Santa Clause", too. But, I like watching reruns of "My Mother, the Car", too.
    @Barb: That's what I'm talking about! Northern diners are the best. Even the little Greek one in my town. Even though my son likes to sit next to that mural of a bare-chested Athena and Aphrodite. But, I really think his friend has too keen an interest in Apollo....
    @Ruth: Consider it my Christmas present to you.
    @Beer: As most of those who have blundered into there are. Case in point.....the wee hours of the morning on my wedding day. I may have had eggs. Or steak. Or my socks. I'm not sure.
    @Leslie: That shake probably is pretty good. But, I wouldn't be able to eat for a week.
    @ryoko: That's what I thought, too. If you've heard the commercials, he even has a British accent. Truth be told, whenever a studio wants to "class"things up, they always use a British accent. Imagine Shakespeare done in a Jersey accent ("Romeo, Romeo, where da frig you be?")