Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving Part II

Anyone else have to pee after that long-ass boat ride?
    Oh, what a day it must have been!
    The brightly colored leaves swirling madly amongst the trees, a chill autumn wind blowing briskly over freshly-harvested fields, and the forest animals bustling crazily about in preparation for winter (NOTE:  No money wasted on that Creative Writing correspondence course, huh?).
    And nobody fighting over the remote.
    So it was in 1621 that Governor Bradford of Plimouth (that’s how they spelled it back then, smart guy) Colony thought it was high time to celebrate a day of thanksgiving.
    Frantically scurrying to find a suitable venue at which to hold their celebration, the Pilgrim fathers were disappointed to learn they were too late; all the good days in October and early November had been reserved months ago for the Pequot/Schwartz wedding reception, the Jamestown “We Were First” Commemoration, and the last of the Mohican family reunions.
    And, wouldn’t you know it, those smarty-pants Canadians with their hockey and wool hats decided to have their own harvest celebration on Columbus Day weekend.  This, despite a fierce ad campaign by the “Sons of the Santa Maria” fraternal organization.   
    Luckily, a spot opened up the last Thursday of November when “Mohawks On Ice!” was forced to close after some rogue Hurons stole their loincloths.  So, the Native Europeans invited their friends, the Native Americans, to a grand feast held at the local Moose lodge picnic pavilion (with real moose.  Or, would that be ‘mooses?’  Or ‘meese?’  Sheesh.  English). 
Seriously, people, it's not that hard.
More than one deer is 'deer.'  More than one moose is 'moose.'
Now, can anyone tell me why this dude in the orange vest is butt-pumping me?
    A grateful people, the Pilgrims wished to thank the “heathen savages” for all their help getting the colony on its feet.  After all, the tribe was essential to their gaining a foothold in the New World, long before the Trail of Tears, Wounded Knee, and all-you-can-eat casino buffets. 
"Eels, Sleeps With Raccoons? Really?
Couldn't just make a simple green bean casserole
like a normal person, could you?"
    Imagine what would have happened had Squanto not taught the Pilgrims to plant dead fish with their corn (“Behold, I bring you the gift of maize!  As long as you don’t mind the smell of dead fish”). 
    Prior to that, they just stuck them in their trousers.
    Plus, the tribe brought the eel pies.  Hmmmmmm....eel.
After dinner, Mrs. Baker's 2nd grade class
handed out smallpox-riddled blankets to
their unfortunate classmates dressed as Indians.
    Many customs today hearken back to this coming together of disparate peoples.  The feast, the fellowship, two-hand touch game of lacrosse after supper, and everyone falling asleep in front of the fire while the women cleaned up all laid the foundation of that which identifies us as a nation.
And just for that, no Thanksgiving.
Or the Super Bowl, NASCAR, and the X-Factor.
What, you people started that?  Nuts!
But, American Idol is ours. Crap, that's yours, too?
All right, then, we'll take The Office.
    NOTE:  By us, I mean the United States.  Canada, you have your own Thanksgiving.  England, you coulda had a piece of this, but noooooooooo.  Everyone else, hey we’ve got Thanksgiving and Jessica Alba.  Well, and Mel Gibson because Australia gave him back.  Thanks, mates.
    Luckily, some aspects of that first thanksgiving have not survived.  For instance, few people realize that, while turkey was indeed one of the dishes, the main course consisted primarily of venison, cod, squirrels, and SPAM. 
    And, as much fun as scalping captive fur trappers from New France was, I don’t think it would go over that big today.  Then again, they were French.    
Thankful he only lasted four years
    Happily, it was the giving of thanks which has endured throughout peace, war, and the Carter Administration.  No doubt Governor Bradford himself began a tradition which survives to this day:  putting relatives on the spot to state what they’re thankful for (or ‘that for which they are thankful.’  Happy now, grammar snobs?).  If they didn’t come clean, they wouldn’t be allowed to eat food they wouldn’t normally eat any other time of year (think ‘eels’).

To be concluded...

Next:  We give thanks.  Mostly, thank God this post is almost over.

19 comments:

  1. Better hope a Canadian not as crazy as me never sees that moose. They take those things kind of personally. Even laws that you can't push one out of a moving plane, a plane not moving is okay I guess..haha

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  2. We don't want your stupid Thanksgiving, why do you think we booted out those Puritans in the first place? And the plural of moose is moo.

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  3. Have an excellent Thanksgiving buddy, this stuff makes me wish we had it over here!

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  4. Personally, I give thanks for that guy up there, butt-pumpin' that moose.
    Happy Thanksgiving, Pennwasser. :)

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  5. @Pat: That really is one big moose. It'd take a huge plane.
    @Tony: I like that-moo. The Puritans-the original party animals. Followed by the Amish.
    @Yeamie: Turkey, beer, more turkey, even more beer, nap. Sheesh, what's not to love?
    @Dawn: I'm with you. Happy Thanksgiving back atcha.

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  6. wow, the moose looks huge, but I think I'l stick with eating turkey!

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  7. That's what she said.
    Oh, that's NOT a euphemism?
    Sorry.

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  8. Your posts always make me laugh. If only my history class in high school was this interesting, maybe then I wouldnt have slept through it! Have a great Thanksgiving!

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  9. I was certified to teach History once upon a time. Maybe this is why I no longer am....?

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  10. So thats what thanksgiving is really about! Thanks for this post it was quite funny and amusing! (I think that hunter is trying to climb in to the moose to keep warm like Luke Skywalker did to that tauntaun!)

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  11. The saddest thing is that I know exactly what you're talking about with Luke Skywalker.
    May the Farce Be With You!

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  12. That was fantastic! Don't worry before long we'll get the casinos too!

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  13. happy thanksgiving, sadly we dont have that here in mexico

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  14. Loved this post made me giggle and feel happy hope your Thanksgiving is awesome

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  15. Have you ever seen Plymouth Rock? I thought it was a huge rock where the Mayflower landed. It's tiny. There's bigger potholes on the NJ Turnpike! You're too funny!

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  16. Are you sure the plural of moose isn't meese?
    And I don't want the office.

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  17. Your Thanksgiving story is much better than Rush Limbaugh's!

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  18. i hate it when those dang hurons steal my loincloth!

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  19. @Bushman: Except the craps table. They're just too messy.
    @Tony: Neither that or Canadian Thanksgiving. But, at least you have Dia de Los Muertos.
    @Jo-Anne: It was-thanks!
    @Barb: I know. It's a little piece of business. April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring? Pilgrims (elementary school humor).
    @Ruth: I think I'm partial to mooses.
    @Nancy: I didn't hear it, but it was probably less apocalyptic sounding.
    @Sherilin: Then everyone can see my tomahawk. (Hey, it's my fantasy).

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