Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving, Every One!

So, you go to Walmart, but you're too good for meatloaf?
    In homes across the nation, the giving of thanks will be played out anew (during halftime).  In the true spirit of the holiday, millions of family members will likewise be grilled or have their pumpkin pie withheld.
    This year, though, in a break from tradition, I plan on regaling my family with a list of things I’d be thankful for if they actually happened.
    Like....
Suck, not blow. It's a figure of speech!
1.  That Michael Phelps gets the munchies so bad, he ends up looking like how that Jared guy from Subway used to look.
2.  My doctor ordered me to eat at Hooters.
3.  My dentist told me flossing was overrated.
4.  My wife thought the Three Stooges were hilarious.
5.  The French thought Jerry Lewis was not.
Yeah, this one.
I can't get the skeevy thing out of my head.
6.  They would take that creepy Halls’ commercial off the air.  You know the one I mean.  That college kid and Mom checking each other out while sucking on cough drops just skeeves me.
(NOTE:  This commercial no longer exists, thank God.  I told you it was a repost.  I’ll switch this for the one where those dumbasses talk their coworker into taking his car to AAMCO). 
7.  My golf and bowling scores were reversed.
8.  Man boobs were considered sexy.
9.  Christmas ads didn’t start on Labor Day weekend.
"Have a nice day!"
"Up yours.  And I say that with love."
10.  Cashiers didn’t insist I “Have a nice day.”  That’s pressure I can do without.
11.  Once, just once, my order at the drive-thru wasn’t hopelessly screwed up.
12.  McDonalds dropped all the coy pretense.  Honestly, what kid would prefer carrots over French Fries?
13.  Speaking of McDonalds, I’d be thankful if the world was devoid of idiots who needed to be reminded, “Caution:  Coffee is hot.”
14.  I had the option of taking a written prostate exam.
15.  Congress would forget to set their alarm clocks.  For the next 50 years.
16.  Michael Moore would just shut the F up.
17.  Halloween wasn’t the “Fall Festival”, Christmas wasn’t the “Winter Festival”, Columbus Day wasn’t the “European Pillage and Rape Festival”, and Hanukkah wasn’t the “Festival of Lights.”  Oh...wait a minute...keep that one.
"I said 'Happy HANNukah!
Now who's up for some dreidel?"
18.  Hannikoh...Chonikuh...Harmonica.  I just wish it was easier to spell.  And, pronouncing it didn’t sound like you had some phlegm thing going on.
19.  Cranberry Sauce was ALWAYS sold in cans with those neat little rings.  I never trusted the looks of the fresh stuff.
20.  They used exploding footballs at Thanksgiving Day games.
21.  Those damn squirrels weren’t plotting against me.

I'll call them Charlie I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII, VII
Winning!
22.  That Octo-Mom and Charlie Sheen could have a half-dozen babies together.  Because they’re just so damn cute!
23.  Erectile dysfunction was only seen at construction sites.
(NOTE:  As I re-read this, I’m not even sure what the hell this means).
24.  Donald Duck would just put on a pair of pants.  And, while we’re at it, Mr. Peanut could use a set of britches, too.
25.  Kim Kardashian would just find real love, dammit!
26.  Drinking beer and eating Doritos while watching football was an Olympic sport. 
"Pardon me, darling.
But, could I pass you my penis?
I only have four hours."
27.  If we could stop all those Viagra and Cialis commercials.  Ok, ok, I know, I officially qualify for membership in AARP, but that doesn’t mean I want to see codgers leering at each other.  Speaking of Cialis, I find it funny that the man and woman are in separate bath tubs.  Kinda defeats the purpose, if you ask me.
28.  Size didn’t matter.  I just can’t get a job in the NBA.  Oh, you thought I meant something else?
29.  That, following the death of Qaddafy, there will finally be peace in the Middle East.    
30.  Being politically correct consisted only of knowing:  Elephant-Republican, Donkey-Democrat, Jackass-Al Franken.
31. BONUS SINCERE THANKS-If you made it this far, I'm very thankful for all my followers who...um...made it this far (Thanksgiving 2011).  You make writing all this crap worthwhile.  And I hope we can laugh our way into 2012 (we'll have to read other blogs to make that happen, though). Plus, hang on there, Speed Racer (NOTE: Obscure Japanese animation reference.  HA! HA!), 2011 ain't over yet, either. I still have some Christmas reruns to foist upon you. But, we'll need to get back here by the end of next year.  The Mayans said the world will end then.  Then again, they're all dead.  So, what the hell do they all know?

    That's it for me until probably the first of December (or the last day of November.  Who knows?)  I plan on taking the next several days off to introduce myself to my family.
    Until then, save the drumstick for me!
    God, that so "Folksy Local Evening News"-sorry!

Happy Thanksgiving!



   

35 comments:

  1. hahaha the cat can take care of those squirrels. If only size didn't matter, then I could be a sumo wrestler. Speed Racer holds on for no one, well maybe Mighty Mouse. Yeah where can we find some good blogs to get us laughing into 2012, seem to be few and far between. Oh and "Have a Nice Day!"

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  2. It's high time we invented a new holiday for us regular white folks. Walmart stold Christmas from us, blacks have kwanza, jews have Hannawahtever and muslims have exactly what they deserve....Palestine!
    We shall call it" leave me the Fu)k alone for three days. It will also have a dedicated meat to go with it like.....yep meatloaf. Happy T Day AL!

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  3. Man, this is such a funny list, seriously. Have an excellent Thanksgiving, I hope you and your family all have a great one!

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  4. I'd be thankful for you if you could take a written prostate exam.

    I once counted over 16 ways to spell Hanukah. My life is THAT exciting.

    Love to you for a great Thanksgiving.
    xoRobyn

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  5. The squirrels...they haunt you, Penwasser.
    Funny, funny stuff.
    Happy Thanksgiving, you nut!!

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  6. I loved your list of things you'd like to be thankful for!

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  7. Happy thanksgiving Al!
    1) I love that Halls commercial; it was so hilarious.
    2)Charlie Sheen and the Octomom really should have some babies. Do I smell a new reality show?

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  8. You're a delight, I loved reading this ... Happy Thanksgiving x

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  9. You may not want a written prostate exam after you've acquired a taste for the practical one. Oh wait, is that what you're worried about?

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  10. I guess you can be thankful that you got your wish of the removal of the Halls' commercial.

    Happy Thanksgiving Al! Much love from LA.

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  11. @Orang3: With apologies to Kool-Aid: "Cialis is here, bringing you fun! Cialis's got erectile dysfunction on the run!" Probably never got that Kool-Aid commercial in Spain, but it makes me giggle. For only four hours. Then I have to contact my physician.
    @Sub-Radar: And God Bless Us, Everyone for that! Wrong holiday, but you get the point.
    @Gorilla: before my first "digital" prostate exam, I was afraid that 1) It would hurt or 2) I would like it. Let's put it this way-they'll NEVER put me in prison!!!
    @Deborah: Thank you very much!
    @Kid: But, wasn't it just a little creepy, in a child predator kind of way?
    @Eva: One more-THANK YOU
    @Dawn: But I've created a great way to catch squirrels. I run up a tree and act like a nut.
    @Robyn: 16??? Wow, that's impressive!! No WONDER you're the Chosen People!
    @Yeamie: Thank you, we sure did. Now my belly is big after all that food. Or maybe my belly was just big in the first place.
    @Bushman: Meatloaf with all the trimmings! I'm up for that. No wishbone, though. Unless...meatloaf doesn't have bones in it, does it?
    @Pat: You, too. The way I look at it, we only have a little over 12 months to laugh. Which is good because then I run out of material. So, if the Mayans are wrong, I'll have to steal comedy ideas from NBC. Or the White House.

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  12. Haha nice post and nice blog I will be following! Also if anyone is interested in technology updates just to stay on top of things please check out my new blog I would really appreciate it! Happy thanksgiving!!!

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  13. So are you going to reuse this post in 2012 as well, just change a few things and good as new? :P

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  14. @Lizardmannnn: Thanks! I'll be heading your way in a few minutes. Probably should see if they have anything out there which is better than my rabbit ears antenna for the TV (the rabbit will at least be grateful).
    @Anthony: Thanks!
    @Dwei: Maybe I could use the basic post again, but I'd have to change a few things to make it relevant to 2012. After, Charlie Sheen and Octo-Mom won't be as funny then. Just pitiful and sad.

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  15. Have a nice day! Kidding. That does remind me of the Carlin bit about 'having a nice day' though. Good stuff. Cheers!

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  16. I don't even recall the last time I was told to " Have a nice day".
    Hooters? Really?

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  18. @A Beer: Oh, great! I was planning on having a crappy day. Nuts.....
    @Ruth: yeah, the Hooters reference is kind of dated. Nowadays, when I go to Hooters (my college son likes me to take him), I just avert my eyes when ordering. It now makes me feel a little pervy. One of my worst nightmares is to have one of the waitresses greet me with "Oh, HI, Mr. Penwasser!" Probably the same feeling I'd get if I was to go to a "gentlemens" club (I REALLY don't like to go those anymore-my younger brothers still enjoy going. I'm glad they live a few hours away). By the way, I REALLY do like the buffalo chicken sandwich there.
    @Britta: But, doesn't everyone in Germany say, "Bitte"? Isn't that a handy catch-all phrase which covers everything? Like "Have a nice day"?

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  19. This is great. My grin erupted in laughter somewhere around #22, #23.

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  20. Erectile dysfunction has that effect on people (except those who are afflicted with said condition, I suppose).

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  21. I always thought there was something wrong with that cough drop commercial. Wrong on so many levels!

    I wish Kim Kardashian would just go to hell. I CAN.NOT stand her!

    I thought that, too, about the couple in separate tubs. Maybe she has herpes.

    AARP didn't wait long after I turned 50 this year. They were right there with their offer to help me along in the remaining years of my life with health insurance and life insurance as well as auto insurance. Who needs Allstate?

    Came over from Amberr's blog "Like a Bump on a Blog". You have a new subscriber!

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  22. Uh, oh, my other followers......ryoko861 and I HAVE THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOR!! I'm thinking we should not be in the same room together. There would be a cataclysmic explosion.

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  23. Tempted as I am to go through the full list I don’t want to be No 32. I wish BlackLOG would stop typing so much tripe.....So here are my lowlights for you

    2. My doctor ordered me to eat at Hooters.
    I misread this first time around “eat hooters” and was wondering if either your doctor had something against clowns (other than they are not funny ) or wanted to turn you into a breast eating cannibal....P.S. if he is avoid the fake ones they look like they might be a bit rubbery.....
    3. My dentist told me flossing was overrated.
    We are talking teeth here aren’t we and not that uncomfortable underwear flossing that some people indulge in
    8. Man boobs were considered sexy.
    Damn that’s my game plan out of the window....
    10. Cashiers didn’t insist I “Have a nice day.” That’s pressure I can do without.
    Chuck it right back at them and insist “No, you have a nice day....”
    14. I had the option of taking a written prostate exam. –
    I’m sure the Doctor would not object to working it through with a pencil
    21. Those damn squirrels weren’t plotting against me.
    What you as well, who would have guessed it was an international squirrel conspiracy
    23. Erectile dysfunction was only seen at construction sites.
    I’m sure you can build on this argument
    24. Donald Duck would just put on a pair of pants. And, while we’re at it, Mr. Peanut could use a set of britches, too.
    It would only mean the extra effort of undressing him before having to redress him in orange source....Would you like to join my campaign save cartoon comedy eat the duck - that goes for Daffy as well.....
    29. That, following the death of Qaddafy, there will finally be peace in the Middle East.
    Is that Qaddafy duck? – Donald’s African cousin

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  24. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa, oh, I simply loved this - too, too funny! And for the record, OF COURSE man boobs are sexy! Thanks for the belly-laughs.

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  25. @BL: I never considered butt flossing, but, if I did, I'd have to use waxed mint.
    @Shrinky: Whew, thank goodness! Those tight tee shirts won't go to waste.

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  26. Yup, as I read through the list, I agree with all of them, even the ones I didn't understand. This is gratitude week. I've wondered about the 2 bathtubs, my self, and I'm one of the old codgers.
    Thank you for your joyful posts but do reunite with your family. Tiz the season. With much gratitude... Manzanita

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  27. …”taking the next several days off to introduce myself to my family.” ...some men are so brave!

    Do you think they’ll remember you, Al? They might, if you’re loaded! (with dough, that is)
    That’s the only thing that keeps me in the loop with “the old folks” sucking the life out of me up here in no mans land.

    But on the brighter side...I made it from 1-31 without choking or falling off my chair with laughter (see, I’m getting better at hanging onto something when I enter the “Al Zone” - learned that the hard way!)

    Well, if you have to leave us for a few days I’m glad it’s not because you’re tired of us (me and my ramblings that are as long as your posts) and maybe while you’re away deciding if family is really worth breaking your ties with us (me and my wickedly great comments) then hey, what the heck, we’ll be waiting (you can only hope) for you cause we (mostly me) have nothing else to do…

    ...for the next several days!

    Great post Al...as always! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving with your estranged family!!

    Cheers,
    Jenny

    PEARSON REPORT

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  28. i actually laughed at your caption on the cialis pic. does seem odd that they're in bathtubs outdoors and also that they're having no physical contact in their seperate tubs. makes me wonder what the game plan is. is there an outdoor bed beside the tub on the left?

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  29. I hope you had a good thanksgiving

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  30. I concur re: all the sexism about man-boobs.

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  31. @Manzanita: Don't worry about not understanding some of them. I sometimes forget to put on pants. My kids usually recognize me. I'm the one with the wallet.
    @Jenny: So, it's safe to say you made it without blowing milk through your nose...? I haven't gone anywhere-I'm just not going to write a new post until December 1st (or November 29th if the pressure of not running my mouth gets to me). I'm still reading and commenting.
    @Sherilin: I know. That commercial seems so pointless. He: "Hey! I took a few of those little blue pills, ya know!" She: "I know. Stay right where you are for a few hours while I take a bath outside in nature. Pay no attention to the fact that there is no discernible plumbing anywhere."
    @Adam: I did. My belly got big and the Cowboys almost lost. And we had pie!
    @dbs: They're not really so bad. Unless they flop up and smack you in the face when you're jogging (Actually, if your "moobies" are so big they will flop up and smack you in the kisser, you're in no shape to jog, anyway).

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  32. Al, this was hilarious. I'm going to have to remember to make my own list for Thanksgiving next year. I hope you had a great one. :)

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  33. The funny thing is that, as we sat down to eat Thanksgiving dinner, I said as seriously as I could (this is a stretch for me), "Now, we need to go around the table and have each of you say what you're thankful for."
    The look on everyone's faces was priceless!
    I thought Aunt Mae had a stroke.
    But, it was just gas.

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