Thursday, November 17, 2011

Cars II

    While trying to come up with an idea today, I read my last post, Cars, inspired by Dawn at Lighten Up!
Making the Amish look like
the Rolling Stones
    NOTE:  We now pause for a bit of indignant outrage.  Have you paid Dawn a call?  If so, thank you!  If not, why not?  Is it because you haven’t gotten around to it?  Is it because you think you’re too good to visit a blog written by someone from Iowa, Kansas, Indiana, Ohio, or one of those places south of Canada, north of Mexico, west of Pennsylvania, and east of those deserts you see in John Ford movies and disaster specials on the History Channel?  Hey, the good folks from “the middle” have much more to talk about than corn, you know.  Like wheat.  Or is it because you think that Penwasser Place is just too damn good to leave?  Well...uh...all right, then.  Carry on.
Sure, it had Chevy Chase.
But, Jackie Mason?  Really??
    Anyway, I saw that my list of vehicles lacked some details.  Sure, you know what happened with my first car.  But, what about my 1983 Sentra?  I’ll just bet you don’t care know.
    So, I decided to reward you with particulars you so richly deserve-and give me some more mileage from an idea I’ve already covered (hey, it worked for Caddyshack II.  Oh, wait a minute.  No, it didn’t).
    After all, you took the trouble of visiting.

1978 Monza
Maybe you can buff that out?
OK, this isn't my car. But, it is upside down.
And in a ditch.
What you know:  I totaled it coming home from a latenight run to North Carolina’s Outer Banks.
What you didn’t know:  I was with two other guys from my ship.  I didn’t tell you this because it sounded kinda gay.  Which is wasn’t.  Just pitiful and sad.
Bonus quote:  “Just a couple, officer.”

1980 Monza
What you know:  Mrs. Penwasser #1 got it in the divorce.  And it blew up (the car, not the divorce).
What you didn’t know:  Didn’t get laid in this car, either.
1983 Sentra
What you know:  Had a bad headlight.  And it had a standard transmission which I didn’t know how to drive.
What you didn’t know (but, maybe you did):  I got this in the divorce.  Which is kinda ironic.  Sold it for $1,000 because I thought I was going to get a new car.
Bonus quote:  “A new car?  Are you frikkin’ nuts?”
1984 Camaro
What you know:  Blonde hair, big boobs.  Sold the car in Maine.  Kept the boobs.  Mine and hers.
What you didn’t know:  Can’t say because I’m still married to her.
1988 Ranger
And it was driven by a giant, too.
What you know:  It didn’t have an extended cab.
What you didn’t know:  It got hit by a snowplow while parked in front of my sister’s house.  Which was funny, because it was August.

1991 Camry
Like the French French.
Only without the culture, pastries,
and the German Army.
What you know:  My son tried to eat it.
What you didn’t know:  Who cares?  Although we took it to Quebec.  Saw a lot of French people there.  Traded it in for...
1992 Mazda MPV
What you know:  The beginning of my “Mini-Van” stage.
What you didn’t know:  The beginning of my “Testicles in a Jar” stage (remember: Mini-Van).  Traded it in a few years later for another Mini-Van.
1995 Explorer
What you know:  It was an SUV.
What you didn’t know:  Wow, now that I think about it, there really isn’t all that much interesting to say about it.
2000 Quest
What you know:  Still another van.
What you didn’t know:  Testicles remained in the jar.  We donated it to the Purple Heart for some beads, blankets, and whiskey.
"Hey, Al, can I borrow the car?
 I need to pick up some smokes."
2005 Subaru/2005 Dakota
What you know:  we still own them
What you don’t know:  The Subaru is haunted by Japanese ghosts.
2000 Cavalier/2003 Sentra
What you know:  Even though they're the kids’ cars, we still own them, too (the cars not the kids.  Golly, does that joke ever get old?).
What you don’t know:  They’re my kids’ cars.  I don’t think I even want to know.

    Well, there you have it, two posts for the price of one.  Don’t worry, though, I didn’t strain myself writing this.  After all, I want to keep myself fresh for the upcoming week.
    When I’ll treat you to my three-part Thanksgiving extravaganza!!
    Which, come to think of it, is a repost.
    Oh, well, it’s probably better than another “Today’s Vocabulary.”
    Or a “Tying My Shoe” picture.
    Maybe next time.
    I’ve got things to do, you know.  The Mentalist is on. 
He's actually English. Which is pretty darn nice of England.
Considering we sent them Madonna.


  1. The Hubby and I have had many of the same cars as you, but ours all died after being driven to death - on your list we also have had the Subaru, Quest, Explorer, and a Stanza (basically a glorified Sentra). I am feverishly working on driving current minivan into the ground - today it was raining INside my car.

  2. You're a hoot! That's funny about the snow plow hitting your car in August. I'm sure it wasn't funny at the time, though! Crazy!

  3. You are too funny. Glad you lived to tell these stories!

  4. Haha, hilarious addition to the legendary car saga... I can only hope to have half as interesting stories in the future.

  5. Jeez, you go through cars like I go through underwear.

  6. I'm sure you've always resisted the temptation to compare Mrs Penwasser #1 with the 1980 Monza. Those kind of jokes are like shooting fish in a barrel.

  7. good morning al. what are you currently doing to drive the car you own to death so you can entertain us with a tale and get a new one? you should be due for a fresh one soon. maybe you'll get your testes out of the jar for this next one.

  8. hahahaha was it fun seeing a lot of french people? And hahaha hit by a snow plow in August, that's too funny.

  9. The Mentalist is pretty excellent from what I've heard buddy. I can't believe that snow plow thing, that seriously sucks, I'd be so mad! Great post as always man, you've seriously drove some tight whips over the years!

  10. I'm kinda glad I don't drive.

    I think I'll stick to writing posts about my hormones as I can't compete with this.

  11. "The beginning of my “Mini-Van” stage." ~ I think this is the most frightening thing I have ever read...

  12. 1988 Ranger...RIP

    That is just hilarious as usual, Al!

  13. @laughingmom: Raining inside my car-that's really funny (or not, from your perspective). We also drove our cars way to death (or flew, in the case of the '78 Monza). The Quest had a LOT of miles on it. We finally got rid of it because so many things were going wrong. Last straw was when the driver's window refused to go up and then it would slide all the way down. I finally had to jam a piece of molding underneath it (inside the door), but it only got within four inches of the top. I sealed the gap with clear mailing tape. Very classy.
    @LynNerd: Funny thing is, my brothers and I saw it happen. Should've included THIS bonus quote: "Hey, Al, it looks like it's going to hit your truck. Look how close it's get-holy crap!! Did you see that!?"
    @Eva: My little incident with the '78 Monza really should have hurt someone very badly. We were lucky and lived long enough to laugh at it.
    @Sub-Radar: Sadly, having lots of stories comes with lots of years. I hope I can write enough of them down before I'm only eating soft foods and wearing slippers all day. On my head.
    @Allen Tesch: Complete with skid marks.
    @Gorilla: I NEVER called the Monza a "Bug-Eyed Ugly Woman." I loved that car. :-)
    @Sherilin: Current mileage: Dakota-69K/Subaru-102K. But, since the Dakota is American-made, I predict the Subaru will last longer. Sometimes, I'm allowed to take my testicles out of the jar for day trips. To the mall. By the way, you get a mention in my Thanksgiving extravaganza.
    @Pat: The Quebecois (is that right?) were actually very friendly. In a French kind of way.
    @Yeamie: The Mentalist really is pretty good. Snow plow creased the Ranger all the way down the left side. It was driveable, but all the boys at work made fun of me.
    @dirty: How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. Old joke, but I like it.
    @Dr. Heckle: Frightening and emasculating as hell.
    @Kid: Mrs. Penwasser sold it right out from underneath me while I was at sea. Damn power of attorney! But, she bought me a brand new explorer which really was a step up. Drats! The wife was right yet again!!

  14. Thanks, Al, for not showing a close-up shot of the "Testicles in a Jar."
    Happy weekend and safe driving.

  15. I'm not allowed near them unsupervised.

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    ¤ Rio Prasetyo ¤

  17. You know, that woman cop in The Mentalist reminds me of a grown up Winnie from The Wonder Years.
    I hope Japanese ghost aren't haunting my Toyota. So far, no evidence.

  18. there's got to be more to the story of the snow plow hitting your car in August!

  19. @Prasetyo: Thanks!
    @Ruth: I never thought of that. I'm just have to Google it now. I really do enjoy that show.
    @Pat: It has become one of the stories we tell at family get-togethers.

  20. PennDOT must have had a field day with you!

    I rolled my '70 Pontiac LeMans. Wasn't hurt (thanks for asking) but it did a number on it. It still ran though and I continued to drive it until I got married and ended up with a '84 Plymouth Turismo. Now THERE'S a rare car you don't see anymore. The '84 Charger was exactly the same except for the badges.

    But you know what's sad? When your kids friends have nicer cars than you do. What's wrong with that picture?

  21. When we rolled the Monza, I insisted we could roll it back over and drive away. Of course, my friends had to point out that the front end (with headlights) was 100 yards down the road.
    I learned how to drive on a 1969 Ford station wagon and Pontiac LeMans (I don't remember which year the car was).