And people who use their left hands.
It's not opposable thumbs, sex robots, cable TV, electric juicers, nosehair clippers, blow-up dolls, Anthony Weiner (although...), Snuggies, televisions above urinals (trust me, ladies, they exist. However, there is no way I'm going to take a camera into the Mens Room to prove it), roller derby, the royal family (although...), the X-Factor, lawn gnomes, beer-drinking helmets, wardrobe malfunctions, nipple piercing, breast implants, breast reductions (see: Chaz Bono), breasts (NOTE: Yes, yes, I realize animals have breasts, as well, Marlin Perkins. But, just tell me you'd motorboat a mama grizzly bear's fun bags. Yeah, that's what I thought), erectile dysfunction, chia pets, Kinoki foot pads, porta-potties, SPANX (not what you think. Although...), Pubic Rogaine (I'm not sure this exists. But...it could), Just For Men, Helen Thomas (animals didn't want her), Shamwow!, heel creme containing urea, Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movies, Lite Beer, cellulite, tupperware, old-coots-who-manage-to-convince-women-young-enough-to-be-their-granddaughters-that-it-wouldn't-be-creepy-to-bump-uglies-with-them-because-it'll-be-quick-and-they're-multimillionaires, Hugh Hefner (ooh, I think I'm being redundant) pornography, Plushies and Furries Conventions, autoeroticism (NOTE: clever recycle of a Today's Vocabulary word), or Scarlett Johansson (you can't have her, Benji, she's all ours).
No, no, it's the vast variety of perfectly good paper with which to wipe our behinds (NOTE: For those of you in the United Kingdom: our "bums." Or "Camillas."). What's more, it's not even like the good old days when we used a corn cob, any available leaf, or serf. Today, we have a vast (NOTE: Grammar violation!! Use of the same adjective-vast-in one paragraph!!) variety (NOTE: Double grammar violation for using the same noun-variety-in one paragraph. Sorry, but my thesaurus is in the other room. With my pants) with which (NOTE: Oh, my God, the humanity!!! Triple violation for using the same phrase-with which-in the same paragraph) to wipe our behinds (NOTE: Quadruple violation for essentially using the same sentence twice in one paragraph!! I'm just being lazy. Let's just cut away to the picture....)