Saturday, October 8, 2011

What Separates Us From the Beasts

    And people who use their left hands.

    It's not opposable thumbs, sex robots, cable TV, electric juicers, nosehair clippers, blow-up dolls, Anthony Weiner (although...), Snuggies, televisions above urinals (trust me, ladies, they exist.  However, there is no way I'm going to take a camera into the Mens Room to prove it), roller derby, the royal family (although...), the X-Factor, lawn gnomes, beer-drinking helmets, wardrobe malfunctions, nipple piercing, breast implants, breast reductions (see:  Chaz Bono), breasts (NOTE: Yes, yes, I realize animals have breasts, as well, Marlin Perkins.  But, just tell me you'd motorboat a mama grizzly bear's fun bags.  Yeah, that's what I thought), erectile dysfunction, chia pets, Kinoki foot pads, porta-potties, SPANX (not what you think.  Although...), Pubic Rogaine (I'm not sure this exists. could), Just For Men, Helen Thomas (animals didn't want her), Shamwow!, heel creme containing urea, Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez movies, Lite Beer, cellulite, tupperware, old-coots-who-manage-to-convince-women-young-enough-to-be-their-granddaughters-that-it-wouldn't-be-creepy-to-bump-uglies-with-them-because-it'll-be-quick-and-they're-multimillionaires, Hugh Hefner (ooh, I think I'm being redundant) pornography, Plushies and Furries Conventions, autoeroticism (NOTE:  clever recycle of a Today's Vocabulary word), or Scarlett Johansson (you can't have her, Benji, she's all ours).

    No, no, it's the vast variety of perfectly good paper with which to wipe our behinds (NOTE:  For those of you in the United Kingdom:  our "bums." Or "Camillas.").  What's more, it's not even like the good old days when we used a corn cob, any available leaf, or serf.  Today, we have a vast (NOTE: Grammar violation!!  Use of the same adjective-vast-in one paragraph!!) variety (NOTE:  Double grammar violation for using the same noun-variety-in one paragraph.  Sorry, but my thesaurus is in the other room.  With my pants) with which (NOTE: Oh, my God, the humanity!!! Triple violation for using the same phrase-with which-in the same paragraph) to wipe our behinds (NOTE:  Quadruple violation for essentially using the same sentence twice in one paragraph!!  I'm just being lazy.  Let's just cut away to the picture....)
Please excuse the poor picture quality.
 I was using my cell phone camera to surreptitiously-look it up, I can't do everything-take a picture of toilet paper.  I didn't think it was a good idea to use my regular camera.  Can you imagine that in the news?

    As I further pondered the enormous (and you thought I was going to use 'vast,' didn't you?) display of bathroom tissue (a euphemism if there ever was one), I noticed two things:  it clearly dwarfed the Christmas aisle (which is okay by me because it's not even Canadian Thanksgiving yet.  There's enough time to sell the "O Come All Ye Faithful" penis pumps.  And that Charmin' (NOTE:  The author is not financially remunerated-while you're at it, look that one up, too-by the paper giant for this ad placement) was peddling two types of toilet paper (and here you thought it was a pretty basic recipe).

    You tell me, which would you prefer?  "Ultra-Soft" so you don't scrape hard enough to expose colon?  Or "Ultra-Strong"  so you don't feel like you're the star of your very own prison rape scene?  I don't know about you, but I'm thinking Charmin' (NOTE:  the company is going to reap a huge bonanza from me) could easily combine the two.  As long as it's perfumed.

     Which is something that corn cobs and those fancy-pants serfs with their Bubonic Plague never were. 

Bonus Post:
    Eventually, I will no longer have to worry about whether it's "Ultra-Soft", "Ultra-Strong," or "Caffeine-Free."

  So, I have that going for me.


  1. Hey Al, I really thought I was long over my toilet-joke age but you had me laughing so "out-loud" that my dog was running around with her frisbee, thinking we were going out. You out-did yourself this morning. Thanks. You rock! (I just wanted to toss that in. It sounds so unnatural coming from me.) :)

  2. I obviously am not over toilet jokes (look at my picture). Hopefully, your dog didn't start peeing.

  3. Wow...a whole post on toilet paper inspired from a picture. I bow to you. I couldn't have come up with that post if I was paid to. I am always a bit taken back by the sheer number companies making basically the same thing (toilet paper or otherwise). When it comes to ass paper does its job or it doesn't. I don't give a shit (haha) if it is soft, strong, scented, quilted, 2 ply, 3 ply, 19 ply, or super absorbent (is that paper towels? I'm confusing myself) as long as I don't have an itchy unclean asshole at the end of my visit to the bathroom. TMI? Sorry.

  4. Why is diaper packaging so bad?! What's the point of that pink smear? Just wonderin.

  5. @Jewels: Potty Paper companies pulled "super-absorbent" off the market after that unfortunate incident when a roll of paper sucked the intestines out of an old lady. TMI? No. A clean back alleyway is mucho importante if you get into an accident and the authorities need to remove your undies (although why a dentist needs to do this remains unclear to me).
    @dbs: That's in case you ingest pink food coloring with your burrito. Hey, stranger things have happened. Re: Chaz Bono.

  6. On the other hand, it could be "Depends" for girls. Is their poop pink? I never checked (and never will).

  7. Corn cob!!!! LOL ... still laughing!

  8. Another great post buddy. I really don't know what to say to some of this stuff in all honesty so I'll keep my mouth closed.

  9. At the office, I just use the stuff that the (EVERY DAY) anonymous person rings the toilet seat with because the woosy is too woosified to have his bare chaps meet toilet seat and then leaves it there after he's done.

    If I find the person and if it turns out he is one of my people, it is a sure "write up". that.

  10. At least people who use their left hands don't shake hands with you with the hand they just used to wipe their ass (or whatever)!

  11. @Deborah: They ain't just fer eatin'!
    @Yeamie: Thanks. it IS 'bum', right?
    @Core: That is just gross. Even though I wouldn't want to touch it, either, it's much better than having someone else touch it. Maybe a spy camera in the stall...? Oh, come to think of it, that can dredge up more trouble than anonymous potty-paper detritus.
    @laughingmom: And thank God for THAT.

  12. I have a picture of public toilets (in Japan I think - where else) that have computer games onscreen on the floor in front of them.

    And we currently have an advert on out TV here for a brand of Sanitary towels that claims they have got "even more beautiful" due to the addition of a coloured stripe.
    Why ?
    I just don't get it.
    Oh there is so much I could say about this I might just write my own post.

  13. Didn't you write a post about toilet paper before, on which I made a comment referring to douches?
    Anyway, a man as well-travelled as yourself should have a view on the douche as a toilet paper replacement. I'm sure it is S.O.P. in some countries.

  14. I'm just grateful someone had the good sense to invent it.

  15. Wait, caffeine toilet paper? I want this.

  16. Al, you did it again. Had me laughing so hard I cried. This made me think of my Dad. He grew up in West Virginia in the 1920's with an outhouse. He used to tell me how they used the Sears catalog pages. I thought he was joking. Nope! They really did. When they ran out of that then they used the corn cobs! crack me up1

  17. Dude, you need to cut back on the caffeine!

  18. You forgot the orange kind- Charmin Basic.
    I have too looked at the tp aisle and thought holy shit.

  19. I believe you forgot spandex. Which undoubtedly could be used as a waddle wiper!
    Great post.

  20. @dirty: Those have GOT to be sharpshooter games!
    @Gorilla: I may have. I think it has to do with being anal retentive. Or weird.
    @AC: Me, too. But, its invention destroyed the position of village shitwipe man. "Me need go drop load. Hey, Zook! Me need your head for wipe. Bring something read while at it. Like painted rock."
    @Kyran: It makes you go and go and go and go and go.......your butt never falls asleep.
    @Barb: The old catalogs were great. But, once they started using cheaper ink, you ran the risk of smearing underwear ads all over your tush.
    @Eva: So, only one pot o' Joe from now on?
    @Ruth: Holy shit. What the Pope does. Amen.
    @Bushman: Plus it shows off the goods to unsuspecting passersby.

  21. I like my tp strong, like my men.

  22. OK, I'll put you down for "Ultra Strong."