Monday, October 31, 2011

A Halloween Tale

Go ahead. Eat as much as you want. We'll be there for you.
-The American Dental Association

    The young wife pulled her sweater tight as a sudden gust whipped a handful of dead leaves past her ankles.  Sure was getting cold, she thought.
    Glancing down at the half-full candy jar at her feet, she was thankful she’d bought enough goodies for the hordes of trick-or-treaters that continued to rampage through her neighborhood. 
Oh, your house is getting egged
    With only an hour to go, she breathed a sigh of relief.  At least she wouldn’t have to break into last year’s stash of petrified candy corn.  Or, worse, the spare change lodged in the back of the sofa.
    In a pinch, she wondered whether she’d be able to get away with handing out those ketchup packets stashed in the cupboard over the stove.    
    For some reason, though, she doubted the kids would buy her assurances that ketchup was “nature’s candy.”
    So, mercifully, her house would be spared the ravages wrought by pint-sized wrecking crews denied their sugar fixes.
    With a break in the action, she picked up a Fun-Size Milky Way.  No, check that.  TWO fun-size Milky Ways-more fun that way.  With a weary sigh and mouth full of chocolaty goodness, she plopped into the chair set by her open door.
"Your movies sucked!"
"Oh, yeah? Well at least I didn't have George Clooney play me!"
"True, but Richard Pryor in one of yours? Please!"
"Okay, but I think we can both agree that Robin is a real pussy!"
    No sooner had she sat down then four miniature super heroes-Batman, Superman, and the unfortunately-named Captain Incontinence and his sidekick, Wet Nap Boy, came trooping up her driveway.
    Quickly stashing the empty candy wrappers in the pocket of her sweater, she stood to welcome her visitors.  They looked harmless enough, even the good Captain, who held his trousers up with one hand while dragging a sack full of tooth decay with the other.
    Greeted by a cheery chorus of “Trick or Treats,” she extended the candy jar to the tiny defenders of truth, justice, the American way, and proper hygiene.
    Their needs sated, the junior crime fighters excitedly scampered towards her neighbor’s house.  Relieved her home continued to be spared, she noticed a lone figure standing at the end of her driveway.
    Her visitor was fairly large-probably one of those kids from the middle school.  Usually they just grabbed a pillowcase and headed door-to-door, their menace masked only by a surly, “I’m an egg-thrower” when asked what their costume was.
"Do you have a couple of minutes
 to talk about the Lord?"

    This kid was dressed up, though, but he gave her the willies.  He sported blue jeans and a red flannel shirt, which were innocuous enough.  But, what really creeped her out was that hockey mask he wore and...was that a knife in his right hand?  He looked just like that...Freddy?  Michael?  No, he looked like Jason!  Yeeks!
    With a trembling hand, she presented the jar to the motionless figure.  “Hey, there.  Do you want some candy?” 
    No answer.
    Hmm, she thought, not too crazy about this.  Why doesn’t he just toss a couple rolls of toilet paper in my trees and be done with it?
    She closed her door and frantically tried to figure out what to do.
    At that moment, her husband’s car pulled into the driveway.
    “Oh, look,” he thought as he parked, “one of those Halloween trick-or-treaters.  Kinda big, though.”
    He got out of his car and cheerfully called out to the kid, “Hey, howzit goin’?”
    “That’s weird,” he thought.
    Quickly turning his back, he entered the side-door and saw his wife, who looked a little freaked-out.  “Hey, you see that nut out there?  What’s going on?”
    Wide-eyed, she shrugged her shoulders and whispered, “You got me.  He’s just been standing there for the past ten minutes. didn’t see if he had a knife or anything, did you?”
    His eyes went wide and he stepped to the closed door.  Glancing through the curtains, he said, “Yeah, sure looks like one.  Man, I don’t like this.  I’m turning off the outside light.”
    Casting the porch into darkness, he motioned for her to join him.  Together, they peered at the motionless form bathed in the yellow light of the streetlamp.
    “Maybe he’ll get the idea we’re done for the night,” she hoped.
    “Yeah, I-hey!  He’s starting to walk this way!”
    His wife shrieked.  Clapping her hands to the side of her head, she dropped to the kitchen floor.  “Oh, my God!  What’re we going to do!?”
    He joined her.  “I don’t know.  I’d better call the cops!”
    They heard shuffling footsteps as their visitor scraped along the loose rocks of their driveway.
    Starting to lose it, she begged, “No, don’t leave me!”
"He doesn't look like a Mormon."
    Her husband scrambled on his knees to the kitchen island.  Maybe he’d find a knife or....ladle!!??  What the-that won’t do!  He kept rifling through the drawer.  Cheese grater...potato peeler...garlic press...ah, here was a knife!
    As he turned toward his almost-catatonic wife, he heard the footsteps suddenly stop.
    And the doorbell ring.
    The two of them inched their way to the window and cautiously peeked through the bottom of the curtain.
    They heard low snickers of laughter behind a hockey mask which bounced up and down.
    Standing bolt upright, the husband flung open the door and shouted, “You idiot!  You gave us both heart attacks!”

    The Moral of the Story:  It’s a good thing my brother has a sense of humor.  Otherwise, I mighta got stabbed that night.
                         Happy Halloween!
Tomorrow is a Holy Day of Obligation.
Thou shalt get your ass to church. Don't make us use these.


  1. How bad ass of you! :D

    If that was me, I would be completely freaking out.

  2. @Deborah: Shoulda seen what I did with Santa Claus,
    @Lemons: Even though it happened YEARS ago, it still comes up during family get-togethers. It was really, really funny.

  3. I think halloween is an strategy made of dentist asociations all over the world to increase their revenues.

  4. Just like a lot of holidays are conspiracies by greeting card companies (c'mon, do we REALLY need Thanksgiving cards?).

  5. Damn, buddy your first quote's hilarious yet true, the candy aspect of Halloween is pretty unfair on kids in my opinion. Cool story as well, you are a badass sir!

  6. Yeah, but just imagine if they handed out apples and Dentine. You think "Occupy Wall Street" is bad?

  7. Brave man, dressing up like that in a country full of guns.

  8. I knew he didn't have any guns. Sporks, maybe. Guns, no. And thank God for that.

  9. That is hilarious! He would fit right into my family!! Gives me some ideas for tonight after the kids have gone to bed!!

  10. Okay, that's hilarious - and horrible! If I'd been your brother I definitely would have accidentally murdered you!

  11. Bwahahahahaha! You really are lucky.

    See you at mass tomorrow.

  12. i like your sack full of tooth decay line.
    and for the record, you're a bad, bad brother. it's michael moore wrestling for you as penance.

  13. For some reason, though, she doubted the kids would buy her assurances that ketchup was “nature’s candy.”
    You don't try and sell it to them as natures candy, you sell it to them as fake blood capsules – Sure you will probably have their enraged parents around complaining about the ketchup stains over clothes but you can point out it was their own fault for letting the little shits out in the first place – besides who says it has to be the kids who get do the tricking???

  14. Great story! I loved it! And I'm very glad he's your brother, and not mine!

  15. @laughingmom: Just make sure there are no shooting irons around (thanks, Tony, for helping me think of this!)
    @Mary A: If you hear someone fart, that'll be me sitting in my own pew.
    @Sherilin: Yikes, I'll take ten rosaries, instead.
    @Eva: I got him before he got me!
    @BL: I like that idea! It's bloody ingenious!
    @Kara: Thanks! If you've read the "Once Upon a Time" stories, the brother in this story is Gary.
    @anthony: the kind who'd get pulled over by the cops for running through a stop sign. Dressed as Santa.
    @Megan: thank goodness this didn't happen today, because he really mighta killed me by accident (or he would have SAID it was an accident).

  16. Did they give you a treat? I think you earned after that show. Good thing you didn't need to take a leak.

  17. A great combination of scary and funny, Al. You're taking your writing in creative directions. I like it.

    Happy Halloween.

    PS I kinda had a bit of dialog with you in my comments section of my blog. I hope it doesn't upset your wife.


  18. This story would give my daughter ideas. I think I'm glad trick-or-treat was last night here.

  19. I'm here from the blog hop, and I love your blog!

    My favorite scary book is IT (scared the crap out of me when I was a kid), movie that horrified me most was Rob Zombie's remake of Halloween, and I did not dress up this year, because I'm lame. Maybe next year ;-)

    Happy Halloween!

  20. @Gorilla: They gave me a beer. Hope that counts.
    @Robyn: Mrs. Penwasser has never read any of these. But, she wouldn't mind. I'm like a dog, though. I wouldn't know what to do with a car if I caught it.
    @Ruth: You trick-or-treated (or should that be tricked-or-treated?) on Sunday night?
    @Dr. Heckle: Not nearly as good as some of the costumes over your way.
    @Amber: Thanks, welcome to the asylum. I LOVED 'It.' Until the end when I found out what the monster actually was. I remember thinking "Over a thousand pages just to find out the monster is a ......" (I'm not going to spoil it for people). Except for that, it was an outstanding book. I didn't get into a costume this year, either. Being a Monday after a snowstorm and all. Bah-humbug (oops, wrong holiday). Going to have a look over your way now.

  21. I think the garlic press would have done it.

  22. And if you got stabbed, you would have got to go on Maury or something. Where are your priorities, Al? I thought you were cool...

  23. You had me hooked from, "..unfortunately-named Captain Incontinence and his sidekick, Wet Nap Boy.."

    You are so warped and twisted, I like that quality (grin)!

  24. Too funny.

    You evil person.
    One day he might decide to take revenge.

  25. PEnwasser! Hi-flippin-larious and so suspenseful! Loved it. :)

  26. @dbs: the garlic press would have only worked if I was dressed like a vampire.
    @chrischaos: that's what I'M talkin' 'bout.
    @Kid: So, it wouldn't have been cool if I blamed society if I got stabbed?
    @Shrinky: Those costumes were never big sellers. Plus, the dry cleaning bill was hell.
    @Dirty: Thank goodness I live over 100 miles away from him.
    @Dawn: My brothers and I bring out the best in each other. Can you imagine being our wives?

  27. Oh that's just plain scary. It's a good thing I shut off my lights and eat all the candy on Halloween night. Happy belated Halloween, Al. Great story! :)

  28. lol that was good thank you happy late halloween:P

  29. @Laila: We didn't have any trick-or-treaters this year. Good news: I have a whole bowl of candy to eat. Bad news: I have a whole bowl of candy to eat.
    @WizWayne: Thanks! Back atcha! Next food holiday: Thanksgiving (I love this time of year).

  30. Last year we handed out king sized snickers, and kind aized kit kat bars. This year we did that same, and we were much more popular :)

  31. You can never, NEVER, overestimate the allure of being the good house that hands out the great candy bars.
    Or the stigma of being the house which hands out popcorn balls from last Christmas.