Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ghosties and Ghoulies Who Extort In the Night

"What do you mean, 'Penwasser Place' hasn't won 'Blog of Note'?
Plus, it's been 45 frikkin' years and I still don't have any hair on my New York congressman!"


NOTE:  The following is a repeat from last year (sorry, Sherilin).  While this may smack of laziness to some (and those people may have a point), it actually is a way to celebrate one of the special days of the year.  And I don’t mean “National Sea Monkey Day” (May 16.  Seriously.  No kidding.  Look it up.).
The way I figure it, the networks have been broadcasting “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” every October (because April would be silly) since the Vietnam War.  So, why can’t I do the same?  Especially since I won’t last 45 years like Linus in the pumpkin patch.
Besides, if you haven’t read it, it’s new to you.  Right, Yeamie Waffles?

    Halloween.  What a hoot.
Seriously.
Would you rather have a picture of Rosie in a thong?
    Yes, I know, I know...it’s a day allegedly drenched in satanic roots and all manner of horrifying images meant to instill terror in mortals:  ghosts, goblins, witches, Anthony Weiner, Rosie O’Donnell in a thong, blah, blah, blah.
Ooooooh, very spooky.
Plus, he could shoot you.
    Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord (who could be Dick Cheney, for all I know), the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Harvest Festivals”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.
    Hand-wringing ninnies also prefer that children not dress up as traditionally spooky characters.  Instead, they dress their tykes as non-threatening characters such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or “Blue Man Group.”
    Oh, c’mon!  I took my kids to a Halloween celebration a few years ago and not once did I perceive the icy grip of Lucifer on pillowcases chock full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers.  After all, I find it very hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns, ballerinas, or SpongeBob Squarepants.
    The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander from door to door.  I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.
Yeah, these sucked.
A lot like the movie.
    Halloween was a big deal when we were kids.  I remember planning what we were going to wear soon after school started in the Fall.  I even remember the costumes I wore:  Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Underdog, “Criminally Insane Druggist,” and (the one that really never caught on) “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pad Monster.”
    Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like scatterbrains through our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.
    We knew the unwritten Halloween code: only go to houses with their lights on, be on the lookout for razor blades in the Milky Ways, don’t bother going to the convent (they only passed out mothball-flavored Butter Rum LifeSavers), and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too lazy to hand them out themselves (yeah, RIGHT, always followed THAT rule!). 
Give us these
    Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared hand out:  apples, popcorn balls, pennies, toothbrushes, ketchup packets, and packets of Equal.
Or these
    My friends and I couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal.  So, from six o’clock (or dark-it HAD to be dark) until nine, we knocked on doors in the hope we’d score so much sugar that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY!  Keep it clean, people!).
Or these
    A bonus was that, since we went to Catholic School, we could sleep in the next day, All Saints Day.  To those “in the club” (so to speak), November 1st was a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, was a day off from school (a point rendered moot if it fell on the weekend.  In that case, we groused that we were ripped off by Jesus).
    This meant we could shove candy down our throats when we got home until we passed out, woke up, ate some Sugar Smacks, inhaled more Three Musketeers, watched cartoons, and made fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.
    NOTE:  This was the best part of having the day off because the public school kids were beating us up the rest of the year.   Even the girls.
    My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?
    Nothing.
    You know why?
    Because, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
You get this

32 comments:

  1. What a great post! I hadn't yet met you last year, so I'm glad you reposted it!

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  2. Well, thank goodness! I did update it a little and the pictures (with captions) are new. For instance, last year's post was "Weiner-Free." So, hopefully, any followers from last year won't feel cheated. Too much.

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  3. Hello! (((((hugs)))))

    It’s so awesome to visit your lovely blog today on this Halloween blog hop. I think this is an awesome opportunity to meet other authors! I’m joining your blog and I hope you’ll join mine, too, so we can learn more about one another.
    My favorite monster movie is Night of the Living Dead and I’m dressing up as a mime. Mime is one of the most ancient forms of theatre, appearing around the time of the Greek tragedies. I hope to perfect the art and technique of portraying a mood, idea, or narration by gestures and bodily movements. The only problem is…that I have a big mouth! LOL. It’s so nice to meet you!

    Chrissy

    P.S. I’d love to connect with you online!
    My blog link is http://chrissypeebles.blogspot.com/
    My Facebook link is: http://www.facebook.com/#!/chrissy.peebles1
    My twitter link is: http://twitter.com/#!/ChrissyPeebles1

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  4. @Chrissy: Done! Visited your blog and left a comment there. I even left a first wife/mime joke!

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  5. OMG, I don't even need to read over here to get a hearty chuckle. I see a picture of that Weiner dude and the alternative (Rosie in a thong) and - well, excuse me - I've gotta visit the porcelain goddess.
    Happy Halloween weekend.
    xoRobyn

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  6. Happy Halloween Hop, Al - good to *meet* you ;) I agree laziness/classic re-run; it's a fine line! Perhaps instead of the same excuse for the repeater next year, you could sell the green aspect: reduce, REUSE, recycle! Of course, this was my first read, so it was fresh funny for me ;)

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  7. It was new to me too.

    I have my own ideas regarding treat or treating though...

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  8. Satan doesn't like Peanut M&M's...knew I hated that bastard for a reason. Never diss the peanut M&M's! :) Great repost.

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  9. Is that how Fall Festival came about? I saw a comment from someone the other day on Facebook about Halloween being evil and how she explained it to her daughter and her daughter wants nothing to do with it. How sad that people believe that. Here we have Beggar's Night which is on the 30th. I can't recall the reason right now. And I even saw on the news a few days ago that some governor(missed who, probably our bozo) wants to move Halloween to the last Saturday in October so they can do trick-or-treat in the afternoon. And the anchor lady thought it was a great idea. Really?

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  10. I looked it up. It was a state rep from Connecticut. He says it would be easier for families.

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  11. I remember a blogger doing a post explaining that Halloween is actually the same festival as All Saints Day. I don't see how it became associated with Satan, who never quite achieved sainthood in his long and illustrious career.

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  12. @Simon: Thanks, I hope I can.
    @Orang: Thanks!
    @Robyn: A weiner always makes people smile.
    @Shelley: Green-genius! I'll use that for my Thanksgiving and Christmas posts!
    @dirty: Read your post-you make some very good points.
    @Jewels: I think he hates them because they melt in his hands.
    @Ruth: Yep. Many schools around here have "Fall Festivals" and will only let kids dress up as characters from literature. I don't think I have a problem with THAT especially. Unless they won't let them dress up as Bram Stoker's Dracula. And, I'm embarassed to admit that I was born in dopey Connecticut-the same state that observed "Diaper Need Awareness Day" last Thursday. I'm not kidding.
    @Gorilla: Take it from a Catholic. All-Saints Day is the day AFTER Halloween.
    @Come At Me Bro: It's what I can do to keep gloulish observations alive.

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  13. @Come At Me Bro: I meant "ghoulish."
    "gloulish" doesn't make any sense. Damn old man pudgy fingers!

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  14. Diaper Need Awareness Day? That's too funny.

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  15. No kidding. Google it. I know it sounds EXACTLY like something I'd make up.....

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  16. Great post Al. It used to be so simple and so fun. Now it's a big production. BTW, I was in Manchester/South Windsor while you were in CT. What a hoot! Glad I'm out of there now. It's snowing like crazy. Boooo! Happy Halloween!

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  17. So, you were very near the airport. My son and daughter were amazed at the tobacco sheds near there. They had no idea that Connecticut grew tobacco.

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  18. Oh goodness. I laughed so hard at your last sentence.

    If I celebrated Halloween, I would dress up as a pony named Florence Nightingale because that's ironically intelligent or WHATEVER.

    Sadly, going trick or treating would land me five hours in juvie for harassment if I did so in China. Also, question:

    If an adult went trick or treating, would he also be given his share of candy?

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  19. I'm asking because it would be a smart way for candy store owners to uh, get free candy.

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  20. The following is a repeat from last year (sorry, Sherilin). While this may smack of laziness to some (and those people may have a point), it actually is a way to celebrate one of the special days of the year.

    I would not worry about it, just think of it as creating a new holiday combination – welcome to Halloground weenhog day

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  21. @Lemons: Better than dressing up as a horse and calling yourself "Rosie O'Donnell." Because that would be redundant. If a little adult went trick-or-treating....score! Think I'll go get a costume and go out as Dr. Frankenstein's Failed First Experiment."
    @BL: Ohhhhhh, genius!!!!

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  22. Great post as always man. I'm like a couple of the others in not being around to read it last year so I appreciate reading this! About your comment I couldn't tell you who's on the Euro, I have no idea. I doubt "hot" Queen Elizabeth is on there, I think the Euro just has photos of a big map of Europe on some of them, which isn't very exciting to say the least!

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  23. It's the one night of the year I can dress as a burglar and no-one notices.

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  24. That is the neatest job of TPee-ing ..... poetry in motion. Did you really throw an egg? I never did so why did I get my car egged as it sat on the street and it wasn't Halloween. Most of the egg had dried by the time I discovered it..... OMG..... have you ever tried to get egg off a car.???? And the white slimy stuff went down the window and into the key hole. Yuck. Must have been karma from another eggy life.

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  25. @Yeamie: I'm thinking if the Euro had naked pictures of famous Europeans throughout history (except Queen Victoria or DeGaulle.....yeesh) on them they'd be collectors items.
    @Tony: That'd be quite a trick.
    @Manzanita: Have to admit, I never threw an egg. But, my friends and I DID "TP" the trees in front of a house once. It rained later that night. Yeah, that was a mess. My dad was way pissed. Are you sure the white slimy stuff was egg? I know.....ewwwww!

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  26. Hello fellow hopper!

    So glad I was able to visit your site! :) I am visiting from the Coffin Hop--I am # 63-- and happy to take part in this hop also. This Halloween I will be dressing as a swashbuckling pirate. Two of my favorite scary books are The Witching Hour and Let the Right One In. A fave movie is Bram Stoker's Dracula. I love this time of year--we get to indulge in a bit of darkness. Please hop over and visit me if you like at www.penelopecrowe.blogspot.com where I am giving coupons to your choice of my books and you can enter and win a NOOK! Thanks and hope to see you there!

    Penelope

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  27. @Eeshie: Thanks!
    @Poetry: If you're blind, I suppose. Better than a weiner.

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