|"What do you mean, 'Penwasser Place' hasn't won 'Blog of Note'? |
Plus, it's been 45 frikkin' years and I still don't have any hair on my New York congressman!"
NOTE: The following is a repeat from last year (sorry, Sherilin). While this may smack of laziness to some (and those people may have a point), it actually is a way to celebrate one of the special days of the year. And I don’t mean “National Sea Monkey Day” (May 16. Seriously. No kidding. Look it up.).
The way I figure it, the networks have been broadcasting “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” every October (because April would be silly) since the Vietnam War. So, why can’t I do the same? Especially since I won’t last 45 years like Linus in the pumpkin patch.
Besides, if you haven’t read it, it’s new to you. Right, Yeamie Waffles?
Halloween. What a hoot.
Would you rather have a picture of Rosie in a thong?
Yes, I know, I know...it’s a day allegedly drenched in satanic roots and all manner of horrifying images meant to instill terror in mortals: ghosts, goblins, witches, Anthony Weiner, Rosie O’Donnell in a thong, blah, blah, blah.
|Ooooooh, very spooky. |
Plus, he could shoot you.
Rather than surrender to the Dark Lord (who could be Dick Cheney, for all I know), the politically correct observe the holiday via nonsensical “Fall Parades”, “Harvest Festivals”, or “Insert-Festive-Name-Here” celebrations.
Hand-wringing ninnies also prefer that children not dress up as traditionally spooky characters. Instead, they dress their tykes as non-threatening characters such as “Insurance Salesman”, “Foot Doctor”, or “Blue Man Group.”
Oh, c’mon! I took my kids to a Halloween celebration a few years ago and not once did I perceive the icy grip of Lucifer on pillowcases chock full of Snickers and Jolly Ranchers. After all, I find it very hard to believe that the Devil resides in clowns, ballerinas, or SpongeBob Squarepants.
The extortion element of Trick-Or-Treating aside, it’s just a fun day for kids to dress up and happily pander from door to door. I’m not going to begrudge them a chance to have fun just because some simpering idiots think the day glorifies evil.
|Yeah, these sucked. |
A lot like the movie.
Halloween was a big deal when we were kids. I remember planning what we were going to wear soon after school started in the Fall. I even remember the costumes I wore: Superman, Green Hornet, Spiderman (yes, even then), Hulk, Frankenstein, Mummy, “Glow-In-The-Dark Skeleton”, Underdog, “Criminally Insane Druggist,” and (the one that really never caught on) “Dr. Scholl’s Foot Pad Monster.”
Unlike nowadays, we were never bird-dogged by our parents as we ran like scatterbrains through our neighborhoods, feasting on insane amounts of chocolate.
We knew the unwritten Halloween code: only go to houses with their lights on, be on the lookout for razor blades in the Milky Ways, don’t bother going to the convent (they only passed out mothball-flavored Butter Rum LifeSavers), and take only one piece of candy from the bowl of those too lazy to hand them out themselves (yeah, RIGHT, always followed THAT rule!).
|Give us these|
Oh, and fling eggs at the houses of those who dared hand out: apples, popcorn balls, pennies, toothbrushes, ketchup packets, and packets of Equal.
My friends and I couldn’t get enough of what we saw as a great deal. So, from six o’clock (or dark-it HAD to be dark) until nine, we knocked on doors in the hope we’d score so much sugar that our arms would go numb from lugging around our sacks (Of CANDY! Keep it clean, people!).
A bonus was that, since we went to Catholic School, we could sleep in the next day, All Saints Day. To those “in the club” (so to speak), November 1st was a “Holy Day of Obligation” and so, was a day off from school (a point rendered moot if it fell on the weekend. In that case, we groused that we were ripped off by Jesus).
This meant we could shove candy down our throats when we got home until we passed out, woke up, ate some Sugar Smacks, inhaled more Three Musketeers, watched cartoons, and made fun of the public school kids as they trudged off to class.
NOTE: This was the best part of having the day off because the public school kids were beating us up the rest of the year. Even the girls.
My point is, what’s so wrong with a holiday that gives children a chance to play dress up, carve pumpkins, and gorge themselves on goodies doomed to eventually become petrified lumps of sugar on top of the refrigerator?
You know why?
Because, Satan doesn’t like Peanut M&Ms.
|You get this|