Thursday, September 1, 2011

Okay, It's a Job

1980s (cont'd)

1986-Top Gun comes out.
Chicks really don't dig me.
Hey, look! I think Dunkin Donuts is open!

1986- Since my old job fixing airplanes, teaching aircraft maintenance, and eating doughnuts was overmanned, I was forced to change to Aviation Antisubmarine Warfare Operator. I flew landbased P-3s to search for (and sometimes find!)  Soviet (yep, we were still giving each other the finger in the 80s) submarines.  We ate doughnuts inflight!  Oh, yeah, and finding subs was cool, too.
What's more, the Navy gave me $14,000 as an incentive to do so.
More doughnuts for everyone!

Don't you wish you had a bitchin' denim jacket like me?
I thought so.

Hair Gone Wild-1989 Edition
 1989- Cold War ends. We go to Copenhagen.
Coincidence?  Well, let's put it this way.  Bitches were scared after we mooned one of their subs.

NOTE: My hat was one size too small.
This was why I looked like I was just goosed.
Before the top of my head went numb.
1990- Displaying a remarkable lack of good judgement, the Navy promotes me to Chief Petty Officer (wait, it gets better in 1995).  Upon promotion, I get my own room with a microwave oven.  Where I can make Hot-Pockets.  Naked.
(NOTE:  Oh, did I mention?  I was on a deployment to Sicily at the time.  Mrs. Penwasser suffered from the same lack of judgement the Navy had.  She was still married to me).

1992-  My son is born.  Fortunately, he looks nothing like me (don't worry-I have homefield advantage).

1994- My daughter is born.  Well, whaddya know?  It works!

"You're an officer now.
You can afford a hat that fits."
1995- Refusing to learn their lesson from 1990, the Navy makes me an officer. Thinking I was now going to get my own luxurious wing at the Bath, Maine Holiday Inn, they send Ensign Penwasser to the USS George Washington, an aircraft carrier which carried 6,000 of my close personal friends. I missed my microwave.  And sleeping commando.

1996- Make my first trip to the Persian Gulf which the Navy says we should call the Arabian Gulf, because Persia is what Iran was called before it was called Iran and after it was called Iran.  Confused?  I'll bet.  But, we don't like them and it was our way of saying, "Hey, Muammar!  FU!"  Hey, I don't care.  It gave me a chance to tie my shoe on the flight deck as we traveled through the Suez Canal (NOTE: This canal didn't have gondolas.  But, it did have a lot of people washing their clothes next to chickens).
"Wonder if anyone will notice
if I just give him a boot in the ass?"

1998- I leave the ship right as I learn to hold my pinkie the right way while drinking coffee.  And to not say "F*****g A!" when asked if I'd like more rolls.

1998- I become the Officer in Charge of a communications unit in Willow Grove Pennsylvania.  Mainly because nobody else wanted the job.

They let us carry guns!!
 I've never liked the way I'm holding my right wrist, though.
Looks a little 'fem' to me.

Okay, I know, I promised that I'd finish this hideous ego piece today.  But, there's still the final chapter of my Navy career to write.  And it's just about time to eat.  So, until next time....

To be continued.....


  1. Man, the military will promote anyone!

  2. Did Mrs. Penwasser get to visit you in Sicily?

  3. Hope you enjoyed eating. Your Hot Pocket. Naked.

  4. What an adventure. That's the upside of joining the military, but the separation sucks. Sounds like you've led an exciting life so far. Will stay tuned to the follow up. Put some clothes on and drop that hot pocket. :)

  5. All kidding aside, thanks for serving, Al.

  6. I think they should make a remake of Ensign Pulver with you in the lead role. You've definitely got the face for it

  7. You've gotten even more handsome over the years
    and I guess (I hope) you don't still wear denim jackets.

  8. @Vinny: And now? Not so much.
    @Eva: Yeah, I know. What's even scarier than that is that I had what's called "Weapons Release Authority" on the George Washington.
    @Ruth: Sadly, she didn't although she could have. Hey, wait a minute....!
    @Dawn: It was all fun and games until the cheese oozed out onto my lap.
    @Laila: Separation is the #1 drawback. That's what I tell anyone when they ask me what the worst thing was. Well, that and the fat guy we called "Sluggo."
    @Nancy: Well, thank you for that!
    @Gorilla Bananas: I would seriously love to do something like that.

    ATTENTION: I have tomorrow off (yeah, after four days of being back to work, I'm exhausted). So, I'll be able to pour me a cup of coffee and read all of your blogs. That's the part of my summer routine that I miss most. Well, that and asking Mrs. Penwasser to keep it down on her way to work.

  9. Thanks, Robyn. The 70s were real rough on everyone.
    The denim jacket has lonnnnggggg since joined my platform shoes, velour shirts, Miami Vice clothes, silk shirts, and cowboy boots on the ash heap of my wardrobe history.

  10. I like jobs that nobody else wants too.

  11. i do love a man in uniform :)

  12. You were in the navy?

    So was my dad.

    And yes, I'm totally awarding you 3000 masculinity points. :D

  13. @dbs: I haven't finished writing my maritime opus, but I'll say this: the job nobody wanted turned out to be the very best one I had in the Navy. I met a lot of Canadians while I was there. Coincidence?
    @Damon: It as the highwater mark of my life. I'm pretty much a flunky now.
    @Mynx: Thankfully, I don't. Whew!!!
    @Lemons: What did your dad do? Thanks for the points! I'm saving up to get me a new bicycle.