Wednesday, September 14, 2011


NOTE:  If you read this entire blog, you will be rewarded with a sexy picture at the bottom!
NOTE ADDENDUM:  I wonder how many of you will actually read all this first before scrolling down.
ADDENDUM TO THE NOTE ADDENDUM:  Go ahead.  I'll wait. 

    Having to work for a living has seriously put a crimp into time otherwise spent drinking coffee, watching Sportscenter, checking the mail, cheating at Yahtzee, trying to dig out that prize from the kids’ Lucky Charms, eating a bowl of Raisin Bran naked, immediately going to the bathroom (because I ate Raisin Bran...  hello!), calling Mrs. Penwasser at work and asking how her day’s going, phoning 1-800-FLOWERS because Mrs. Penwasser was not amused, telling tele-marketers that my dad can’t come to the phone because he’s in jail, and surfing “You Tube” for investment advice (yeah, that’s what we’ll call it).
    Plus, I got to read a whole ton of your blogs.
    Unfortunately, since my name isn’t Trump, this life of sloth had to eventually come to an end.  A couple weeks ago, I put on a pair of long pants and headed back to work.  The money coming in is great (we can eat!), but I haven’t been able to spend as much time on Blogger as I’d like.
    Which is a shame, because you are some talented writers.  Whether it’s a tour of a New England eatery, a thought-provoking commentary on relationships, Asian sex toy pictorials, the price of gas in the Middle East, a travelogue of California, why New Jersey ain’t so bad, pictures of mermaids, writing advice, or anything Canadian (because you guys are much more than hockey and Celine Dion.  There’s maple syrup, for instance). 
    From the Midwest to the UK to Down Under, you’ve all motivated me to write my very best (or something like this).  I’m better for having “cyber” known you.
    Anyway, Violet, from Gratuitous Violet's Blob (yes, that is not a typo.  She calls it a ‘blob’) has honored me with the “Inspirational Blog Award.” 
    Which is ironic, because she and you all inspire me.  But, hey, I’ll take it.  Its butterfly picture will look cool on my blog.
    In any event, you should check out her pretty cool site.  Don’t let the imposing “Adult Content Warning” dissuade you, either.  There’s nothing there you can’t handle.  Hey, if my pictures of Chaz Bono don’t bother you, nothing Violet says will.
    Part of the requirements for this award is to answer a series of eight questions.  Violet chose to number hers “0-7.”  I will use Roman Numerals.
    The Romans won’t mind.  They’re all dead, anyway (I mean ancient Romans, professor!).
I.  What makes you laugh, smile, or giggle?  Violet said “farts.”  I say “farts.”  Unless I do it during maritals.  Then Mrs. Penwasser laughs.  Nothing funny about that.
II.  What are your dreams for the future?  To wake up.
III.  If you go on a cruise, where would it be and why?  I’d go in the bathroom.  Because I ate too much bran.
IV.  How would you spend your vacation time and with whom?  Naked.  Definitely not with dudes.  Or anyone who uses the word “whom.”
V.  If given a chance, what life would you choose?  Your life now or in the past?  My life now.  Fewer people beating me up.  Especially girls.
VI.  Is there something that you wished before when you were young but you didn’t get it?  Math.  I never got it.
VII.  Have you been in a situation where you might have given up but still you chose to move on?  I didn't come out of my room for days after “Joanie Loves Chiachi” was cancelled.
VIII.  Is there someone in your life who has been your source of strength and inspiration?  President Grover Cleveland because he proved that even fat guys can become president and get chicks.
    And now what you’ve all been waiting for (no, not the sexy pictures.  Keep your pants on):  hoping to see your blog listed.  So, let’s see some names!
    Even though you all inspire me, it’s incumbent (NOTE: Not as dirty as it sounds) upon me to bestow the Beautiful Butterfly (in no certain order) to only a few.  Such as:
My first Canadian Blogger friend, he taught me there’s more to life north of Detroit than North Detroit.
Robyn invited me to play in a Dating Game and showed me that I sucked when it came to chocolate knowledge.
Antares is one heckuva smart guy.  He makes me think-that I’m really a knucklehead compared to him (or is that 'he'? See? Knucklehead).  Plus, his blog has a swell picture of a galaxy thingie.
Yes, Mrs. E., I really do.  And so will everyone who reads this.

  Well, I’m getting perilously close to my personal 1,000 word limit (why do you think I break up my posts as often as I do?).  Anything more than that and I’m afraid you’ll go play “Farmville” or get acquainted with your families.
    To make up for it, here’s the sexy pictures I promised....

"Arnie never calls. That bastard."
      Ooops, my bad.  That’s from Governor Schwarzenegger’s Little Black Book O’ Hotties.  How ‘bout this.....?
That's what I'm I'm talking about.
Yeah, she wouldn't give me the time of day, either.
     And one for the ladies......
My blog.  My rules.
   And, finally, one for the ladies who are now men, but not really because everyone knows that that actually is a banana in your pocket and, besides, you ain’t foolin’ no one.
"Hey, anyone catch the WNBA Finals?"
     Well, that’s it for me.  See you in a couple days.
    Gotta go to work.



  1. That looks like Helen Thomas. Is it? I'm sorry you have to go to work. Who invented work anyway dammit? Stupid person. I love your blog and letting me say that being from Jersey ain't that bad!

  2. I think it is Helen Thomas. I just Googled "ugly women" and she came up first.

  3. Having to work for a living has seriously put a crimp into time…such as eating a bowl of Raisin Bran naked
    What sort of backwards hell hole are you working in. These are not enlightened people, even if it turns out you are working in a light bulb factory…

  4. To me, Chastity Bono will always be an adorable little girl.

  5. Thank you, That's a good one. I never thought of telling them I went to jail when the telemarketers call.

  6. Actually Grover did it twice. And not two in a row. That's how badass he is.

    Don't forget the lotto. Play that, be a millionaire, and then go back to the Raisin Bran and blog reading...

  7. Sorry you have to go to work too buddy. Nice post once again all the same, try and keep us updated as much as possible!

  8. Wow...and THAT right there is why I don't date Greek dudes! All hair, gut and giant thank you. I actually read it all before scrolling to the pictures because I like to delay gratification a bit and build the suspense. hehe. Great answers.

  9. You're brilliant, a joy to read!

  10. I think the guy in the speedo is a little bit hot. Of course, it's coming up on two years since my last vision check.

  11. If only that hot, sexy guy with a pot-belly was wearing a Star of David and not a cross. What a teaser picture.

    Thanks for the award! It's much appreciated.

  12. Just for you I DID NOT scroll down to the bottom.

    No - I did not - for I am disciplined - I am used to playing these little mind games (do it all the time with my followers too) so I know how the game is played.

    Bait them and then have the poor sods scroll down, all the way to the bottom of almost 1000 words, only to see: Chaz’s mother; what Chaz hoped to look like after ‘the operation’; Chaz’s father promoting his jewellery line; and then, finally, happy Chaz bringing up the rear (dare I even write that).

    It’s all about the Chaz! (do you even know where this saying comes from...hmmm….)

    Oh…got so carried away with the stuff at the end of 1000 words that I almost forgot what I wanted to say…

    CONGRATS on the award...and for inspiring all these wonderful comments of mine.

    Cheers, Jenny

  13. Me thinks you "did" mean Helen Thomas was the sexy hottie. At least I'd know my vintage cohorts are appreciated. :)

  14. @BL: Yeah, it was a bummer having to put on my drawers at breakfast this morning.
    @Mary: Beats nowadays. She was cute though back in the day, wasn't she?
    @Mrs. E: It's great saying saying my father isn't home when I don't want to listen to a spiel on vinyl siding. I do it all the time.
    @Lost in Idaho: I hope I can sell my book for millions and do the same thing. Yep. got a better chance of seeing Jesus at a nudie bar.
    @YeamieWaffles: I'm thinking I'll be reading your posts more than writing mine. But, I'll take advantage of weekends and days off (and my favorite: delayed posts). But, naked Raisin Bran will have to wait until next summer, probably.
    @Jewels: I think they hope that, if you drink enough Ouzo, they'll look like Apollo.
    @Deborah: Thanks!
    @Eva: Get thee to an optometrist, stat!
    @Robyn: He's probably got a great personality. And back hair.
    @Jenny: Awww, thanks, Jenny. The saying sounds familiar. Hmm...... Just for that I oughta give you a decent sexy picture.
    @Manzanita: Hey, she was someone's daughter once.

  15. Thank you Al, I really appreciate it.
    Glad to be in the company of a good and funny writer. BTW really liked how you wrote about your career.
    Not a knucklehead, except for the fact that you still haven't picked up your Great Commenter award I gave you a while back. *ahem*

    P.S. See? If you're ever stranded in deep space, you'll know how to find your way back.;)

  16. Great blog, sorry you gotta go to work. Whose pizzas will you be delivering? Don't forget that 30 minutes or it's free rule.

  17. @AC: Sorry it's taken me so long. It's on my list of "blog" things to do. You really are an inspiration to read.
    @anthony: Not anymore. Too many Italian Food Transportation Representatives were getting into accidents. Now, Dominos's new motto is: ""If it's more than 30 Minutes, screw you. Order Chinese. We don't care. We're frikkin' rich."

  18. Thank you for the laugh needed it today who I am kidding I need a laugh every day hell who doesn't. You have to go to work bloody hell doesn't that suck but as you said we all need to eat and save money for hit you don't need to save money for hit men lucky you not having someone you think the world would be better off without.....
    Ok I have never hired a hit man only thought about it but if you met my brother in-laws then you would

  19. I taught you something? Whoa. That's a nice compliment. Thanks dude. You teach me stuff too but you especially make me laugh.

  20. Like Jenny, I also didn't scroll down. So you owe me a sexy pic I think.

    Congrats on the award

    Thanks for the giggle

    And very happy that us from down under inspire you. (random trivia, here we call it sultana bran and it was the cause on months of toxic gas problems with our then 7 yr old)

  21. Even though I saw your Ugly woman on the blogroll I still read your post ;) Congrats on the award AL

  22. North of Detroit is Flint (you don't want to go there either). South of Detroit is Windsor, Ontario due to a geographical quirk. Some Canadians I know say you don't want to go there either. I have been and it is "kind of" Detroit-like, let's just say.

    Geography lesson for the day.

  23. Core Contrarian has an appropriate name, but he's also correct. Canada is SOUTH of Detroit. Go figure.

  24. I didn't scroll 'cos I knew I was bound to be disappointed due to the picture that showed up next to this post in my feed.

    And I was hoping for a picture of you in uniform.
    Ah well.

    Thanks to Violet I can only refer to my blog as a blob now - I have noticed that I do it in the middle of posts. I suspect readers who don't also follow her (and they should she's fab) think it's a typo.

    Also in the UK a blob is something women get every 28 days - well unless your old and dried up like me - so it always makes me chuckle, I think that's why the term is now stuck in my head.

  25. @Jo-Anne: I'm a brother-in-law. Uh, oh.
    @dbs: You absolutely teach me things.
    @Mynx: I'll get right on that pic (well, not physically). Maybe sometime tonight.....? When my ship would go the Persian Gulf, we would get a lot of our food from "local" vendors. We also had Sultana Bran (which we called "Islama Bran"). If I recall, it was like eating little pieces of plywood in powdered milk.
    @littlesprite: Whew! Thank goodness!
    @Core Contrarian: Oh, yeah, that's right. I spent a month in Detroit one weekend. Actually, I spent most of my time in Mt. Clemons. Not bad, but I was really surprised how flat the area is. I don't know why, but I expected hills.
    @Kara: JUST when I thought I had geography all figured out....South Dakota IS south of North Dakota, right?
    @dirtycowgirl: I didn't want to scare people off with any more pictures of me in uniform. I really didn't know that about what a 'blob' in the UK is. Although, if it blobs up, shouldn't that be checked?

  26. Yay I win! Sexy photos! Haha!

    Yeah, blogging is totally a full-time job. If someone could pay me six figures to do nothing but spend time on Blogger, life would be PERFECT. Ha!

    I'm envious you have a job though. I would like to have money for necessary things like new clothes, shoes, handbags, and rent.

  27. Oh. Al. Thtop it.;)
    You inspire me too.
    Sometimes you complete me.

  28. Congrats on the award! You are just hilarious. Don't you just hate it when work gets in the way of the rest of your life? Keep hitting that bran. :)

  29. I've noticed a lot of folks cutting back on their blogging lately. I'm lucky if I post once a week. But then I'm nowhere near as funny or eloquent as you, Al. Congrats on your award! I loved all those little bits about you. Hilarious as always!

  30. Congrats on the award and same to those you passed it on to.
    I gave up work for lent and decided to keep the tradition alive forever...