|Thousands of dollars and |
I can't get the kids to put paper on the roll
We paid a crew of mouth-breathers in overalls to replace our bathtub with one which didn't have a crack in it (NOTE III: Because the only "crack" I want in my bathtub is mine) and just, for laughs (NOTE IV: And an additional $600) we also replaced a perfectly good sink with another perfectly good sink. But, this one had cultured marble (NOTE V: I'm not sure what "cultured" marble means. Does it only dispense Perrier?).
Deciding they had raped our bank account sufficiently, I (NOTE VI: Once more, by "I", I mean Mrs. Penwasser) thought we (NOTE VII: By "we", Mrs. Penwasser meant "me") could save a few bucks by doing the rest ourselves (NOTE VIII: By "our"selves, Mrs. P...oh, you get the picture).
So, I painted the walls (NOTE IX: And myself) a lovely shade of teal (NOTE X: Snob for "green"), replaced a perfectly good toilet with another perfectly good (NOTE XI: Meaning "expensive") toilet, and laid ceramic ceramic tile (NOTE XII: "Laid ceramic tile." NOT a kinky euphemism).
Anyway, as I was replacing the old toilet seat (NOTE XIII: The old one had a crack in it. See NOTE III), I noticed that its manufacturer affixed a label on its rear (NOTE XIV: No pun intended).
I was shocked.
Now, you're probably like me (NOTE XV: Except attractive). I'm sure you don't give much thought to who makes that which cradles your behind. It's not like we have eyes in that particular region of our anatomy. I mean, who gives a flying crap (NOTE XVI: Okay, pun intended)?
But, go ahead and take a look. No, no, look closer. (NOTE XVII: It's okay. I hadn't used the thing yet, so it's not gross).
|Author does NOT work for Campbells|
Electronics I get. Sure, why not? Even though we (NOTE XIII: or Canada. Or the UK. But, not China) invented electronics, I'm not sure Americans can get much more complicated than a soup can on a string anymore. But, at least China keeps Walmart in business.
|Hullabaloo, Baloo, whatever. |
It's comedy, you nitpicker.
But, I thought "Made in the USA" would always be safely branded on the places where we sink our increasingly bloated (NOTE XXI: Thanks, Burger King!) fannies. Sadly, the Chinese have apparently infiltrated even our bathrooms.
Game over, man.
|First Chinese handcuffs and now this!|
EPILOGUE: Since I was so spooked about possible Chinese eavesdropping devices implanted in my porcelain throne, I decided to check my toilet paper. Now, I gotta have quality potty wipes-two ply is absolutely crucial. Anything less and I run the risk of bursting through and giving myself a prostate exam.
|Take that, Comrade!|
USA! USA! USA!