Friday, September 23, 2011

Game Over, Man (Complete With NOTES)

Thousands of dollars and
I can't get the kids to put paper on the roll
  This past summer, I (NOTE: By "I",  I mean Mrs. Penwasser) decided to remodel one of our bathrooms (NOTE II: "One" of our bathrooms.  A saying you wouldn't hear in the Middle Ages.  Or Mississippi).  

  We paid a crew of mouth-breathers in overalls to replace our bathtub with one which didn't have a crack in it (NOTE III: Because the only "crack" I want in my bathtub is mine) and just, for laughs (NOTE IV:  And an additional $600) we also replaced a perfectly good sink with another perfectly good sink.  But, this one had cultured marble (NOTE V:  I'm not sure what "cultured" marble means.  Does it only dispense Perrier?).

  Deciding they had raped our bank account sufficiently, I  (NOTE VI:  Once more, by "I", I mean Mrs. Penwasser) thought we (NOTE VII:  By "we", Mrs. Penwasser meant "me") could save a few bucks by doing the rest ourselves (NOTE VIII: By "our"selves, Mrs. P...oh, you get the picture).

  So, I painted the walls (NOTE IX: And myself) a lovely shade of teal (NOTE X:  Snob for "green"), replaced a perfectly good toilet with another perfectly good (NOTE XI:  Meaning "expensive") toilet, and laid ceramic ceramic tile (NOTE XII: "Laid ceramic tile."  NOT a kinky euphemism).

  Anyway, as I was replacing the old toilet seat (NOTE XIII:  The old one had a crack in it.  See NOTE III), I noticed that its manufacturer affixed a label on its rear (NOTE XIV: No pun intended).

  I was shocked.

  Now, you're probably like me (NOTE XV: Except attractive).  I'm sure you don't give much thought to who makes that which cradles your behind.  It's not like we have eyes in that particular region of our anatomy.  I mean, who gives a flying crap (NOTE XVI:  Okay, pun intended)?

  But, go ahead and take a look.  No, no, look closer.  (NOTE XVII:  It's okay.  I hadn't used the thing yet, so it's not gross).

That's right
  Yep.  China.  You mean to tell me we can't make a toilet in the United States?  Or at least the Mexicans?  Aren't they the ones who do the jobs Americans aren't willing to do?
Author does NOT work for Campbells

  Electronics I get.  Sure, why not?  Even though we (NOTE XIII:  or Canada.  Or the UK.  But, not China) invented electronics, I'm not sure Americans can get much more complicated than a soup can on a string anymore.  But, at least China keeps Walmart in business.

Hullabaloo, Baloo, whatever.
It's comedy, you nitpicker.
  Space travel.  Yep.   Despite the heyday of the early Space Age and hullabaloo (NOTE XIX:  Also Mowgli's friend in The Jungle Book) of the landing on the moon (NOTE XX: Or Hollywood soundstage),  NASA can't even operate a kiddy train ride at Disney World without it exploding.  Even worse, they won't validate your parking.

  But, I thought "Made in the USA" would always be safely branded on the places where we sink our increasingly bloated (NOTE XXI:  Thanks, Burger King!) fannies.  Sadly, the Chinese have apparently infiltrated even our bathrooms.

  Game over, man.
First Chinese handcuffs and now this!
  General Tso's Chicken, anyone?

EPILOGUE:  Since I was so spooked about possible Chinese eavesdropping devices implanted in my porcelain throne, I decided to check my toilet paper.  Now, I gotta have quality potty wipes-two ply is absolutely crucial.  Anything less and I run the risk of bursting through and giving myself a prostate exam.
Take that, Comrade!
  Happily, my Quilted Northern is manufactured by the good ole boys in Georgia.  So, the apocalypse is not yet complete.



  1. That Chinese toilet looks like a copy of an American model, so there's no need to feel guilty. You could have got a Japanese one with a water jet that gives you a douche after making doo-doo. Not very patriotic, but it would have cut down on your toilet paper usage.

  2. You do realise that here your fanny is your...ahem...ladyparts ?

    Please also note the careful use of inoffensive word and respect given to being in someone else's blog,

  3. It IS?? Wow, talk about being separated by a common language. Obviously, a fanny here is what you all would call your 'bum' (did I get that right?).
    It's also a rather unfortunate name for a girl.

  4. @Gorilla: First time I saw a douche, I thought it was a water fountain for midgets. Surprisingly, it was in France, of all places.

  5. On a serious note (piece of paper that never smiles), manufacturing needs to come back locally.

    That porcelain probably has lead in it. I ASSume.

  6. I'm thinking you're right on the money.
    Good ones, by the way.

  7. I really feel the topic has been over worked--or would it be over run? Oh, I guess that would be if you had the runs; and if you did, you wouldn't give a flying fig who made that toilet seat as long as it was vacant when the urge to move hit you!

  8. We only have one bathroom in our house. It sucks :( Nice post all the same buddy.

  9. @Eva: I've shat in a lava field (it had cooled down) when I got a little carried away with my raisin bran.
    @George: So many topics, so little time!
    @Yeamie: We have three. Talk about your wretched excess (to say nothing of the toilet paper bill).

  10. you've shat a lava field? seriously? ew!
    i noticed a label on the under side of my toilet seat cover recently that says "church." so now i like to giggle when i tell family members that i'm going to church.

  11. Now THAT'S funny!
    Re: Lava field. I was traveling the wasteland which is known as Iceland one rainy, frikkin' windy, afternoon when the urge to be at one with Mother Nature hit me. Since facilities are very few and far, far between just south of the Arctic Circle, I pulled over and hobbled over to a stand (clump? mound?) of moss-covered lava. Luckily, people are also very few and far, far between there, as well, so it was just me amidst acres upon acres of similar lava clumps. And some very freaked out birds.
    Oh, don't ask what I did with the moss.

  12. I am the only one who changes the toilet paper in this house everyone else would just sit it on the towel rail which is so bloody annoying

  13. OK so I almost choked on the "giving yourself a prostate exam." I was eating (imagine) and just wasn't expecting it. Geriatrics choke easily, you know. (Ditto with the gooseberry comment on my blog.)

  14. I really do enjoy your notes.

    And trust me, there is a HUGE difference between the toilets exported to the States and the ones we use in Xi'an.

    I CANNOT FLUSH TOILET PAPER without choking the bloody thing. In fact, none of the Chinese people I know can flush their toilets either.

    I think this explains why I really pity the cleaning lady who has to dispose of an entire trash can of used toilet paper each week.

  15. I have only one bathroom. But, I have a two-seater outhouse which I hope to never need to use.
    We redid our bathroom a few years ago and got an American Standard toilet. I hope it's American made. Wouldn't it be false advertising if it wasn't?

  16. Hahaha, I love the notes. And yes, almost EVERYTHING is made in china, even electronics which say they're from UK or somewhere else. Don't believe me? Open your phone up, check it's battery, very likely to be china even if it's from somewhere else. If you'd open it further up most of the parts or parts of the parts are from china too.

  17. So now I guess it's safe to say that China own your ass.

  18. @Jo-Anne: I have to admit that I often forget to change it. Then, after finishing my "bidness", I turn to the left and say..........awwwwwww..........damn!!
    @Manzanita: Sorry about that. Don't worry. Like I said, we always have two-ply now.
    @Lemons: That's actually kinda funny in an ewwwwwww kinda way. Reminds me of a sign that was placed in the bathroom (we called them "heads"-I'm sure there's a reason) on our ship: "Flush twice-It's a Long Way to the Galley."
    @Ruth: Whew, well thank goodness for that! The toilet, not the outhouse. Two-seater, huh? Talk about your rural mutual misery. Please don't tell me there are corn cobs there.
    @neatfit: I tried that with the phone. You're right, but now the whole family is seriously hacked off at me. "Hmm, where you suppose THIS part goes?"
    @Vinny C: Hee hee hee...I like that. Uh...yes.

  19. The Chinese are listening to your arse.

  20. Hadn't thought of that. Think I'll join the dog out in the yard then.

  21. I bet China gets their supplies from the US. (Nothing makes sense.)

  22. I was so sad when Hulabaloo fell and we (NOTE: By "we" I mean Mowgli, me and Mrs. Penwasser) thought he died.

  23. i'm not offended by the chinese making our toilets. it actually makes me feel good

  24. @dbs: That sounds like a great research project. Bet I could Google that.
    @Damon: Thanks!
    @Robyn: It was unbearable.
    @j.littlejohn: I guess toilet seats are better than missiles.

  25. See...I'm thinking Georgia needs to figure out were north is - 'cause that quilted 2-ply you're using is made in the southern part of the USA and with a name like NORTHERN I'm thinking that's more like in my neck of the know "the real NORTH"...just saying.

    You need to post a "finished product" picture - my imagination is good but, hey, a little help would be nice!

    Anyway Al, I hope you and Mrs. P are enjoying your new library!

    Smiles and Hugs,

  26. The whole geography thing is kinda kooky. For instance, there's a school district near where I live called the "North Penn School District." If you look at a map of Philadelphia, you'll have to wonder WHY it's NORTH Penn.
    In any case, Quilted Northern does the job, so I'm good.