Sunday, August 28, 2011

Tying My Shoe-Paris


    It was the late 1970s.
Seriously, you all suck.
    The Camp David Accords were signed after Anwar Sadat lost a marathon “Rock, Scissors, Paper” match to Menachim Begin, the Ayatollah Khomeini kicked off epic “Death to America Part I” mini-series in the streets of Tehran, Russia was still the Soviet Union and not the trailer park of Europe, OPEC gave the finger to millions of frustrated American motorists who had no idea whether their license plates ended in an odd or even number, Jimmy Carter used his cardigan sweater to tell us we all sucked, and Michael Jackson was still black.
You'll just feel a Close Encounter of the Fourth Kind



    The country was gripped firmly (or should that be "firmly gripped"?  Take our poll now!) in the stranglehold of disco,  Mike Brady got a curly perm, Mr. T pitied the fool, Battle of the Planets premiered (Pluto lost big-time), the Donny and Marie Show was cancelled (causing Marie to eat Donny, thus causing her to become "too much" country), Nintendo unveiled disastrous Space Invaders Anal Probe, ABBA was taken to court for being too white (acquitted after a young Johnny Cochrane’s masterful use of the “Pat Boone” defense), and, really, Michael Jackson was still black.
    I was a young sailor during those days when the Bee Gees were king and Elton John was queen.  Seeking solace from the turbulence which swirled about my head like so many groupies at a Grateful Dead concert (NOTE: I love similes), I did the best thing I could do to escape:  I took pictures of me tying my shoe.
"I've got you, babe!"
"Actually, Sonny, that'd be 'I've got me, babe!'"
    I’ve no idea what caused me ask others to do this.  Maybe it was my way of standing apart from a faceless crowd draped in head to toe polyester.  Maybe it was a playful attempt to lighten up the mood of a society still traumatized by the Vietnam debacle and the Sonny and Cher divorce (Little Known Facts:  Sonny's real name was 'Salvatore' and their daughter started out as a girl).
    Or maybe I just couldn't keep my shoes tied.
    Anyway, I plan on showing you some of these pictures whenever I can't think of anything else to write to give you a little insight into what it is that makes me tick.  If you can figure that out, please let me know at http://alpenwasser.blogspot.com (which, frankly, you should already know, because you're here).
    And to brag that I've been to very neat places.  And New Jersey. 
    Our first picture shows me tying my shoe with the Eiffel Tower as a backdrop.  For those of you raised in the Detroit School System, that would be in Paris.  For those from Louisiana, that would be in France.
    Interestingly enough (or maybe not so interesting), this picture was snapped during the events I described in my Is It Art? vacation post (NOTE:  An aside...as you know, my vacation was in the Dominican Republic, which has just suffered through Hurricane Irene).  

    So, while it's not necessary to understand this post, reading Is It Art? will give context to this photo.  Go ahead.  I'll wait. 
    Yeah, right.  I'll bet most people never click on the embedded links in other bloggers' posts.   "That hideous Penwasser is lucky I'm even reading this!"
    But, seriously, it is kinda funny.  You really don't need to read it, though.
    In any case, the below picture was snapped in Paris.  I asked my fellow mavens (NOTE:  rhymes with 'ravens', but is not even close to meaning the same thing.  I think) of European culture to take a picture of me in front of the Eiffel Tower (the line in front of the sculpture of Napoleon made from cheese was too long).
    Thinking that I was going to pose for a traditional shot, they were shocked when I bent down to tie my shoe.
    Still, they took the shot anyways when I shouted, "No, really, go!"
    So, my trip to Paris was made official.
    Just before that dog on the right jumped me from behind and started to hump me.
    Geez, even French dogs don't like Americans.
    Or, come to think of it, maybe they do.
    In any case, he didn't call the next morning.
Vive Les Chaussures!
Nice doggie.




NOTE:  As a lot of you are aware, Hurricane Irene is fixin' to (Note-Within-A-Note: Please note my use of the regional vernacular 'fixin to.' This is meant as an homage to my friends from the great American South, who are much more than BBQ and bib overalls.  Take a bow!) lay a whuppin' on the Eastern Seaboard (of the United States, Detroit).  Since I live on the aforemetioned seaboard (well, Pennsylvania. Close enough for hand grenades and natural disasters), I may very well lose power come the dawn Sunday.  Which means I won't be able to read/comment on your blogs which means I won't be able to watch television which means I may have to actually talk with Mrs. Penwasser which means she may think "Why the frig did I marry this guy?  He's a moron.).Of course, the hurricane may come and go with nary (Another-Note-Within-A-Note:  Rare use of the word 'nary' above the Mason-Dixon line) a peep (Last-Note-Within-A-Note-I-Promise: a 'peep' is also a delicious marshmallow treat from Easter which looks nothing like a chicken).  In that case, I can read and comment on your blogs.  And probably stay married.
Sorry, Judas forgot the Youdammed peeps

NOTE:  I said nothing about regular NOTES.  You may have figured out this is a delayed post.  So, sue me.  There's a frikkin' hurricane comin'!


15 comments:

  1. "And probably stay married."

    LOL. You're adorable.

    Also, the reverse psychology worked. I read Is That Art. :D

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  2. Never a dull moment with you Al. So do the school systems just north of Detroit still fit in the same classification? If so I had better brush up on my geography. Paris? In France? Who would've thunk. Did they just move it or has it always been there?

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  3. @Bushman: I found out there are 23 (23!!) towns and cities in the U.S. named Paris. I also found out that, in order to be named 'Paris' they all have to be rude to visitors.
    @Lemons: I'm still wondering about that huge mural.

    By the way, we still have power so we can sti......
    Just kidding! But, seriously, did you think that, if we HAD lost power, I'd still have time to write those periods after "sti?" After all if I lose pow...

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  4. Any post that contans Battle of the Planets is great in my book. G-Force!

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  5. Seriously? Donny and Marie was cancelled? That show seemed to never stop.

    BTW the dogs never call the next day. Had you been humped by a cat, you could've gotten a cat call. Sorry. That was really bad.

    Be safe and keep your pants on.
    xoRobyn

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  6. sometimes reading your posts is exhausting! lol

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  7. COMMENT: Wow - Paris - France - Dog humping - Art - Natural Disasters - all wrapped up in one post - you are a deft writer
    (Comment-Within-A-Comment: Out of all the words available to me with my reliable Thesaurus I am using “deft” as it is befitting such a clever bloke such as yourself.) hailing from Tran’s sister state, Pennsylvania - oh so close to United States, Detroit (Another-Comment-Within-A-Comment: I was unaware that Detroit is now the name of the whole country so I hope that “frikkin’” Irene hasn’t obliterated every other state and all that is left is United States, Detroit.) the region famous for quality bib overalls and BBQ sauce stains that only Tide can get out.

    You do hear me chortling, snorting nose bubbles and having a darn good belly jiggle. (Last-Comment-Within-A-Comment-I-Promise: “belly jiggle” is used here to give you a visual on the powers of your posting talents - you clever, Pennsylvanian boy!)

    Okay...that’s all! Good luck with Irene - why are all nasty ass Hurricane’s named after women! Don’t answer!

    Cheers, Jenny
    (just for you I’ve crawled out of my rabbit hole to add one of my much desired and sought after comments - big ego, I’m surprised I could get my head out of the hole...yah, yah, you can have a field day with my “head in hole” comment within a comment, within a comment...but just remember I’m female and I think there’s a Hurricane named after me...just sayin’!

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  8. opps...

    an addendum or as others might say...a correction notice is needed:

    I see that I have used an apostrophe incorrectly in the sentence about "nasty ass Hurricanes", which I am sure I did with intent - because who out there really uses apostrophes correctly anyway - so every now and then I just mix it up to keep everyone on their cute polished toes.

    (Who am I kidding...damn, I hate it when an imperfection makes its way to the surface and has the gall to play in public and in my writing no less!)
    Damn, double damn...

    ...and I'm not even going to sign my name to this; I'm sure you will be a clever (aka deft) chap and figure it out all on your own!

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  9. Those Donny and Marie duets broke new ground in implied incest. They made Sonny and Cher look very conventional in their marriage. Weren't Sonny and Cher a 60s phenomenon anyway?

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  10. @Tony: BOTP rocks! Even though the giant gas planets were involved.
    @Robyn: Good one!
    @Eva: I do rant on, don't I? Sorry.
    @Jenny: Oh, Jenny, it's so good to have you back! Isn't "deft" a word used to describe someone who was once hard of hearing then was magically cured?
    @Gorilla Bananas: During the 60s, Sonny and Cher sounded good to people too whacked out to know the difference (see: anything by Bob Dylan). They did have a show in the 70s which, thankfully, was canned after their divorce was announced (I THINK they even went one year after they were separated OR actually divorced).

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  11. Bloody hell I have no idea where to start with this post Micheal Jackson was black wow you would never guess to see him with his family.......lol yes I know not funny but I have a headache and my brain doesn't want to work......Sonny's name was 'Salvatore'seriously what the fuck..........

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  12. I thought Mr. T started pitying the fool early 80s. But,I was young so dates meant nothing to me.
    And why did Jimmy catch hell for wearing a sweater?

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  13. Most of the aforementioned events took place before I was even a twinkle in my parents' eyes, but I do remember when Micheal Jackson was still black! Anyway, hope all is well in the aftermath of Irene.

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  14. @Jo-Anne: Yeah, his name really WAS Salvatore. Unlike......
    @Ruth: Mr. T pitying the fool. Yep, the A-Team started in 1980. I don't know why I thought the 1970s fit (even 1979 was a stretch). Good catch. As far as Jimmy, he put on a cardigan sweater to show that, if he could turn down the heat during the energy crisis, the rest of should just suck it up and do the same (Jimmy: Good Ole Boy Just Like You and Me-With Massive Chompers). He also went on TV to tell us America was suffering from "malaise." What a hump.
    @Irene: And dead. Ooops. Too soon?

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  15. you made me laugh with your stupid comment about losing power...

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