Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pre-Columbian Art

    While on vacation to the Dominican Republic (whose national motto is, "We May Be Poor But At Least We Aren't Haiti") my goal was to find a piece of indigenous artwork (well that, and to try every "Drink of the Day" the resort offered).  That way, I could rub my friends' noses into the fact I went to the Caribbean while they were lucky to afford a day trip to the Jersey Shore Chest Hair Museum.

    Try as I might, I couldn't find a painting of Arawak dogs playing poker.  And, I really don't think that was Montezuma's finger-painting of ponies and balloons (because everybody knows Montezuma was an Apache).
    So, I had to settle on getting a tee shirt (which, by the way, was "Hecho En Vietnam").  I consoled myself with the fact that, while it wasn't a pricey objet d'arte (especially since the Dominicans didn't speak French), I could proudly wear it to truck pulls, pig roasts, and baptisms.
    However, as I examined it more closely, I got the impression it was an example of pre-Columbian porn.  Notice that the two dudes on either end don't look very happy while the guy in the middle looks pleased as punch.  In fact, the guy on the left looks downright pissed off.
    At first, I thought that it had to do with the fact that the fellas on both ends have these wonky legs.  One is as bowlegged as John Wayne riding Roseanne Barr  (NOTE: I realize the Duke is dead, so being bowlegged is the least of his problems.  Work with me) while the other one sports a pair which would work as well as Slinkies at a speedwalking competition.
    But, after closer scrutiny of the three, it occurred to me:
    Even though the man in the middle has no arms, he's the only one with a penis.
    And I'll take that over speedwalking any day.

26 comments:

  1. Thanks for starting my day off with some laughs. Any reference to Slinkies makes me smile.

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  2. Having a penis and no arms seems pretty cruel. I hope his buddies pitch in when it needs a yankin'.

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  3. @Shockgrubz: They may be a wonderful toy, but they suck as legs.
    @Powdered Toast Man: I'll take a penis over arms anyday (As I read that, I realize it could be misinterpreted. I mean MY penis NOT some other dude's. Wanna get that straight). Much better than Slinky Legs. Like you said, I can always find help.

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  4. grandpa al, that made me laugh out loud! and the comments are just as good. toast man, isn't there something else he could do with it rather than let his friends have their way with him, even if he has no arm? surely there's an apple pie around somewhere...

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  5. I didn't even realise they were dudes.

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  6. I've noticed I'm starting to sprout gray hairs from my forearms now (there is still no way I'm looking down south, if you know what I mean).
    Sadly, if it was me, it couldn't be a Deep-Dish apple pie.

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  7. @Tony: I never thought of that. I'm going to go into my tee shirt drawer now.

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  8. To my untrained eye it looks more like pre-art art....

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  9. I thought it was the Jersey Shore Guido Museum? They changed the name? Wow. Leave it to you to see the middle one's goods. It's why we love you Al.

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  10. Very strange....very, very strange!

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  11. I think it's Larry, Moe and Curly, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.

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  12. Are you sure they're not monkeys?

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  13. @BL: It's something you can't draw with Etch-A-Sketch, that's for sure.
    @Yoga: Glad you liked it. There's probably more where that came from.
    @Barb: Guido is Italian for "chest hair." Or maybe not.
    @Barb: I do my best.
    @Manzanita: Why, coitney!
    @Ruth: Monkeys with hats. Actually that would make sense. Plus, not having arms wouldn't hurt the only guy with a penis. Those monkeys can do a whole lot with their feet.

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  14. You find humor in the oddest places, one of the things I love most about you, Al!

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  15. Thanks for the Duke-Roseanne image... egh.

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  16. You are right. The dudes on either end look most annoyed and alarmed at their lack of penis.

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  17. hahaha...thanks for the giggle! Needed that. I suppose I'd be pretty bitter if I was a dude without a penis, too. Seeing as I'm a woman I'm pretty stoked to not have a penis.

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  18. First of all, A: what was the drink of that day? and secondly: you were in the cigar capital of the free world and didn't buy any puros?
    Let me get this straight. You went to the Dominican Republic and all you got was this T-shirt?

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  19. The tripod situation would make walking extremely difficult, especially without arms for balance.

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  20. Very bizarre. Wear it proudly, friend!

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  21. LOL. Really,the best art consists of stick figures and still they found room for a penis. The artist was a woman. A man would have drawn boobs. :)

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  22. @Nancy: I even giggle whenever I get into the shower. Beats crying.
    @Mike: I coulda conjured up the Chaz Bono image. Oops, just did. Sorry about that.
    @Dawn: I'd sure be.
    @Jewels: Probably how Justin Bieber feels.
    @Anthony: Twas the demon rum.
    @AC: Plus, think of all the holes in the linoleum.
    @Mama Spaghetti: I'll even wear pants.
    @Lemons: Funny, the power of that word. Here's another one: boobs.
    @Laila: There's always room for a penis! Or is that Jello?

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  23. Is the one on the left single? He looks rather limber.
    xoRobyn

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