Friday, August 26, 2011

Once Upon a Time at Camp-The Conclusion

It was a lot of fun until those kids from the Palestinian Camp insisted we were in their woods illegally.
But, we gave them some s'mores and they left us alone 

Shoulda thought of mousetraps
    By far, our favorite part of camp was the lake.  Whether it was swimming, canoeing, sailing, or ripping bathing suits off fat kids, the waterfront was a welcome break from the rest of the wooded gulag.
    Plus, mosquitoes don’t swim and poison ivy is wonderfully absent when you’re up to your neck in water the color of a melted brown crayon.  (“Don’t worry, kids,” we were told, “it’s a natural result of the summer’s heat reacting to water’s inherent chemical properties.  It has nothing whatsoever to do with that paper mill upstream.”).
Nip Tuck, the exchange kid from
Our Lady of  the Demilitarized Zone, kicked our ass
    The highlight of the week was the Waterfront Regatta.  Naturally, it featured bonafide competitions like swimming and boat races.  As fun as those were, our favorites were Whose Trunks Are These?, Dead Fish Toss, and Synchronized Underwater Farting.
    Sadly, our group lost the regatta when Timmy suffered acute gastrointestinal distress during the final heat of the Spam-On-A-Spoon Dog Paddle competition.  His colorful-yet explosive-underwater discharge closed down an entire section of beach, halting the day’s events.  On the bright side, he did manage to feed the fish.
Danny Thomas: Noted Catholic,
father of Marlo Thomas, and dead person
    It was just as well, though, because all the winners got was a set of rosary beads made from acorns, a Life of the Saints coloring book, and an 8X10 glossy of Danny Thomas.     
    As quickly as twenty years on Death Row, the day finally came for us to leave.  Carrying our memories, sharp sticks, and a week’s worth of dirty laundry, Spags, Donny, and I bid our companions farewell and piled into the Spagnoula’s red VW beetle.    

    Following an uneventful two hours which saw all of us drift off to sleep (except, thankfully, Mr. Spagnoula), we pulled into my driveway.  After saying a quick goodbye to the still-sleeping Spags and Donny, I jumped from the car. 
    Bursting through the front door, I was oblivious to my family’s welcomes.  All thoughts were focused on where I should first go.
    My mind swirled as I tried to determine my first course of action.  Rejecting all other possibilities, I finally decided.
    My room?  Nossir.
    Refrigerator?  Naw.
    Cookie jar?  Nope.
    Television?  Uh, uh.
    Taking two steps at a time, I dashed upstairs to the bathroom.
    Home at last.
    And I wouldn’t even need a flashlight and can of insect repellent.
Camp, schamp 

THE END
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blogs

13 comments:

  1. This has been an entertaining saga! Loved it!

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  2. Melted brown crayon, a powerful image.

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  3. I too went to summer Bible camp as a kid but none of my stories are as exciting as this has been! At our camp the boys dorms were on one side of the road and the girls on the other. The dorms had bunk beds in them and the tops just fit down onto top of the bottom bunks and weren't actually secured. Some of our boys played a prank on this poor kid from another church in their dorm by lifting his bunk off the bottom, hauling him outside while he slept and then locking the door so he couldnt get in. He woke up on the front lawn of the dorm.

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  4. I love Danny Thomas. Marlo? Not so much. it's not her, it's Phil Donahue.

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  5. @Eva: Glad you liked it. I'll probably write another one for October.
    @Tony: At least it wasn't Burnt Siena or Red Violet.
    @Leslie: Yep, we actually did that, too. Only we were in tents and the bunks weren't stacked on the other. Still, it was fun to do. Jimmy Woznick was pissed for years.
    @Anthony: Yeah, I know, that whole circle of life eventually gets us all.
    @Mary: I liked "Make Room For Daddy." Hated "That Girl." Plus, Phil skeeves me out.

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  6. Haha! Great story.

    But there is no place like your own bathroom, is there?

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  7. Sounds like fun, I never had to chance to go to these as a kid but they sound like good memories.

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  8. Were you really holding it in at camp until you got back home? Or did you run upstairs just to pay your respects?

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  9. @Mama: You got that right. Plenty to read.
    @Dwei: It actually was more fun than I let on. But, the bad things are so much more fun to exaggerate.
    @Gorilla Bananas: Since we were gone a week, it would be pretty tough to hold it all in (talk about your chocolate explosion). Still, we (I) didn't "go" as often as at home. Put it this way, I was very respectful to the home throne.

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  10. Ah yes, toilets always trump camping.

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  11. Oh, please. Rosary beads made of acorns? That's just a necklace.

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  12. @dbs: and home toilets always trump camp toilets.
    @Ruth: It was even worse when the blasphemous squirrels stole them for the winter.

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