Monday, August 8, 2011

I Don't Wear Panties, But...


     Nancy S. Thompson of the aptly-named “Nancy S. Thompson” blog (NOTE:  I strongly suspect this joke has gotten as tiresome as those “freecreditreport.com” commercials.  They really oughta have stopped after the pirate hats) has selected me to participate in an Underwear Meme.
    Like her, I have no clue what a “Meme” is and, frankly, don’t even know how to pronounce it.  Is it “meem,” “mehmee,” or “meemee”?  Is it a German, West Virginian, or French word?  I’m thinking that if it’s French, it would be pronounced “maim.”  Which is exactly what I would like to do the guy who made it up.
    I suppose I could Google it.  But, that would take effort.  Effort that would be better served playing Angry Birds.  Or going on You Tube to find that monkey who sniffs his finger.
    I’m a busy man.  Besides, it just looks like a series of question about undergarments.  It’s not like it’s the federal budget, predicting when Octo-Mom’s uterus will fall out, or building the next Space Shuttle (wait, scratch that).  I can handle something simple like an underwear essay. 
    And still have time to look for monkeys.
    So, without further adieu (another damn French word!):
1.  What do you call your undergarments?  Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?
    I grew up wearing “tighty-whiteys.”  They were simple pieces of cotton that featured a superfluous opening to allow “Little Al” to come out.  I hardly ever used it (the hole, not “Little Al”.  I used him a bunch.  I have a son and a daughter, don’tcha know.  So...at least twice).  I much preferred shoving my waistband to a point where my best friend could come out and make like an out-of-control Popeye sprinkler head.
    I once tried using the underwear’s hole since the manufacturer went to all sorts of trouble designing it.  Unfortunately, I got “it” stuck and started to pass out when I thought about the girl at the Dairy Queen.  Luckily, after forcing images of the nuns at Saint Stanislaus into my mind, I was able to free myself.
    In high school, I favored boxers.  But, when called to the chalkboard one morning, I had an embarrassing “pop goes the weasel” incident.  I also didn’t like how the “boys” were free to swing like a couple of castanets at a flamenco contest.
    I flirted with the idea of eschewing underwear altogether.  But, fearing zippers, I rejected the “commando” technique.  Plus, the rough denim fabric had a habit of inadvertently activating the launch sequence, if you know what I mean.  (NOTE: This was in my early 20s.  Nowadays, I’d need all of NASA, the entire Playboy Mansion, and the Viagra Family Pak to give my mission control a wake-up call).
NOTE: This is NOT me. Mine were red.
    For a short time, I wore bikini briefs.  But, I felt like a panties-wearing porn star.  Or a French tourist on the Virginia Beach boardwalk.  Besides, I kept falling out of them.  And, since Velcro wasn’t an option, I switched to “boxer briefs.”
    Oh, but that didn’t answer your question:
    I call them “underwear.” 
    My nickname for them is “Home of the Whopper.”  (NOTE: I used bleach to erase “Jr.”).
2.  Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?
    That’s supposed to be a dream?  No wonder they won’t let me back in church.
3.  What is the worst thing you can think of to make panties out of?
    It’s a tie between cotton candy, badgers, and urine-activated explosives.
4.  If you were a pair of underwear, what color would you be, and WHY?
    That’s silly.  I’d be white.  Or, to use the politically-correct term, “cracker.” 
5.  Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity?  If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?
    I’m thinking people from Hollywood have enough problems without having a pair of my hash browns draped across their face.  If I could, though, I’d throw them at the Maytag Repairman.  Extra bleach, no starch, please.
6.    You’re out of clean underwear.  What do you do?
    1) Remove.  2) Turn inside-out.  3) Put back on.
    Done.
7.  Are you old enough to remember Underoos?  If so, did you have any?  Which ones?
    Sure.  I wore the “Underoos Classic Collection” featuring “Steamboat Willie,” the “WC Fields Drinking Skivvies,” “Roosevelt’s Big Stick” shorts, and the short-lived “Fatty Arbuckle In Your Drawers” briefs.
8.  If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?
    That’s easy:  “Exit Only.”
    I’m still never going to prison.
9.  How many bloggers does it take to put underwear on a goat?
    Depends how “gifted” the goat was (if you know what I mean).  But, I wouldn’t think it would be too baaaaddddddddddd.
    As long as he called in the morning.       

           

  Now comes the part where I need to spread the love a little around and bestow this distinction upon some of my hapless fortunate followers (by the way, I'd like to mention how cool the "strikethrough" feature of Blogger is).
  Anyway, Nancy (of the unnamed Blog.  See?  I told you I'd stop) never mentioned how many people I was supposed to honor, so I came up with five.  This seems like a reasonable amount.  After all, 'one' is the loneliest number, 'two' can be as bad as 'one', 'three' on a match is unlucky, and 'four' rhymes with 'whore' (which has nothing to do with anything).  'Five' it shall be.
  As far as who to pick....?  I've already selected some folks for the Liebster Award, so I figured it would only be fair to pick some other well-deserving bloggers.  Besides, in addition to 'favorite', 'Liebster' is also German for "Enemy of the State."  So, we won't be hearing from them anytime soom.
  Ooops.  Sorry.  My bad.
  Anyway, in no certain (or uncertain order):

NOTE:  NO CANADIANS WERE HARMED IN THE COMPILATION OF THIS LIST

1.  Life By Chocolate  Robyn Engel, besides writing a great blog and having a cool name, has the advantage of living 3,000 miles away from me.  So, she has that going for her.  Which is nice.
2.  Welcome to Me  Although not being as geographically fortunate as Robyn, Ruth's wry outlook on the vicissitudes (NOTE:  Not really sure if this word fits.  It just sounded neat) of living in the great state of Iowa is a pleasant romp through a landscape untroubled by civilization.  Apparently, they grow corn there, too.  And pick-up trucks.
3.  My Own Private Idaho  I just found out that my nephew will be moving from California to Idaho.  My initial response when told this was, "On purpose?"  Well, the more I thought of it, this blog is a darn good reason to go.  Then again, I live in Pennsylvania and I can access this site just fine, thank you very much.
4.  This and That (As I Bounce Thru Life)  Barb used to live in Connecticut and New Jersey.  But, she had the good sense to move away from the blighted Northeast and move south.  For that reason alone, you should check out the blog of a person with sound mental health.
5.  Spaghetti Westerner  I've only recently started following this blog and I really like what she has to say.  Now it's time to take our cyber-relationship up another notch and find out her feelings about underwear.

  Sorry for this being a long post and all, but it was a worthwhile endeavor.  In addition, it delays my camping story for another couple days (trust me, I went camping).
  Anyway, to help make up for it, I thought I'd attach a little picture to soothe the pain of enduring another hideously long rant from me:


Dangit! I typed in "Gettin' Some Ass Down On the Farm."
Stupid Google.


Well, time to go surfing for monkey pictures.  Or snapshots of Lindsay Lohan.
Like I said, I'm a busy man.


24 comments:

  1. Interesting, thank you for this!

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  2. Thanks Al (I think)! If you think I have sound mental health I think you may be sicker than I thought! hehe. Loved your answers and I will be posting mine in a couple days. Very fun!

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  3. I think panties made of coins would be the worst.

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  4. Crud. I guess I need to start wearing underwear again so this award becomes relevant..

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  5. That was a really funny post! I'm still chuckling!

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  6. Thanks Al.
    Is there a Maytag repairman anymore? Maybe he lost his job along with all the real Maytaggers.
    We grow pigs too. It's nice when you walk outside to their aroma.

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  7. Oh my God, I had to make a bee-line for the toilet cuz I almost peed my pants! You are so funny! I knew I made a wise choice with you. Thanks, Al!

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  8. Oh Al, I thank (?) you from the bottom of my tushie. You are on a roll with your humor. I like that you bleached out "Jr." Suave.
    Oy, is it too late to change your grade? (Note: I didn't say in which direction I'd change it.)
    xoRobyn

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  9. Oh my God, I haven't laughed this hard in ages. I'm crying. You crack me up. "Little Al" LOL..I always thought those holes were bad. I love the bit about the nuns. Thanks for playing it right and not holding anything back. :)

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  10. Well there goes my plans of creating explosive cotton candy badger panties... back to the drawing board...

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  11. AL...YOUR LINK TO MY BLOG IS TO MY OLD ONE THAT WAS TRANSFERRED. I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW YOU GOT INTO IT. CAN YOU PLEASE CHANGE THE LINK!! THANKS

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  12. Oh man...you are too funny! And thank you so much for picking me! I feel honored (is that a weird thing to say about underwear?).

    I will do this very soon!

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  13. So I've been following you for five minutes and I've already seen your pants.

    Does that make me some sort of slut ?

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  14. Hilarious! I call my kids underwear "Underoos". I didn't know this was an actual product!

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  15. Well, Al, that was an informative take on underwear. I used to just call them tighty whities and let it go. But you add a whole new dimension to what men wear under their jeans. You even brought in my era with Roosevelt, Fatty Arbuckle, W.C. Fields, and I think Steamboat Willie is more my kids time.
    Thanks for a giggle and a tee hee. Loads of fun.
    Manzanita@Wannabuyaduck

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  16. @Barb: Done! Thanks!
    @OT: Yeah, because doesn't copper corrode?
    @Lost: Good thing. That denim can really be touchy, I'm tellin' ya.
    @Eva: I forgot to mention flannel undies in Maine.
    @Ruth: I think there's some kind of oinkment you can put under your nose to help.
    @Nancy: While I usually prefer the "milk through nose" (I'm leery of any urine-activated explosives in my undies) effect, a laugh-induced pee will do in a pinch.

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  17. @Robyn: I notice that you put "bottom of my tushie" and "roll" in the same comment string. Do my blogs have that kind of effect?
    @Laila: I could have been even cruder and mentioned "skid marks." Oops, I just did.
    @Sub-Radar-Mike: There's always Pop Rocks....
    @Mama Spaghetti: No worries. I've said far weirder things.
    @Tony: I only call them "shreddies" after eating Mexican food.
    @dirtycowgirl: You would only be a slut if they were dirty.
    @Leslie: I had "Granimals", too.
    @Manzanita: I think mentioning I had "Steamboat WILLIE" underwear may have been a Freudian slip.

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  18. As a Canadian, I want proof that none were harmed!

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  19. Hey Al, blogger doesn't let me send emails through google. Would you please email me at Rawknrobyn@aol.com. I have a question to ask you about a top-secret assignment. Tighty-whiteys may or may not be involved.
    Thanks.
    xoRobyn

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  20. @Kid: Peek through the drapes. My hope is that you'll see many of your comrades walking the streets (it's not winter yet-people can still walk outside). Still.....you ARE the first Canadian I've heard from. I hope everyone is okay.
    @Robyn: Done. I'm all atwitter over what's going on. Although I don't have Twitter.

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  21. i pronounce it meem. as in "what the hell is a meem?" i've heard the term, and i've gathered that it's something that goes around the internet. if there's more too it than that, i'm out of the loop. i must've missed the memo. the meem-o. hahaha! sigh... and that's why i'm not cool.

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  22. it was worth the read. I'm glad Robyn suggested that I read your blog. You are right up my alley. Try searching for Lindsay Lohan riding a monkey.

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