|I Write, Therefore You BON|
WE INTERRUPT THIS DIATRIBE FOR THE FOLLOWING OBSERVATION ON LATE-NIGHT EATERIES: What is it about drinking all night that compels otherwise rational human beings to seek out omelettes when the bars close?
I don’t know about you, but if I’m in that kind of condition, they could serve me a boot with cheerios and a pizza box filled with fox urine and I wouldn’t know the difference. It’s not like my taste buds are on top of their game, if you know what I mean.
|It's SOUP! What'd you think I meant?|
On the other hand, the chemically impaired are great fun to watch. Also, you can make a killing in tips, because everyone KNOWS that Benjamin Franklin looks strikingly like George Washington at three in the morning. (NOTE: This last sentence is
crucial to understanding the punchline at the end of this gawdawful long mini-series. You may want to remember it).
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED RANT.
Struggling to rise from the dead the following day at the crack of noon, I forced my eyelids open and nervously peeked from behind the bedroom shade. Whew! Car still in the parking lot!
Likewise, I conducted a satisfactory inventory of my wallet, house keys, and pants. Thankfully, everything was how it should be.
Except for my head. It felt like someone had hammered a railroad spike through it sometime in the wee hours of the morning.
Like a man forced to crawl through the Sahara, I lurched to the bathroom sink. I twisted my tormented noggin under the faucet in a vain attempt to quench my burning thirst and overcome nausea which overwhelmed me like STDs at a frat house.
Swearing I’d never drink again (yep, kept that promise), I cursed myself for not having any water the previous evening.
WE AGAIN INTERRUPT OUR STORY TO PRESENT THE EMINENTLY SCIENTIFIC “PARTY ANIMAL HANGOVER PARADOX”: It is well known that hangover effects are wrought primarily by dehydration brought on by massive consumption of alcohol. These effects can be offset, to some degree, by a sufficiently large consumption of water.
However, if you are so drunk that a raging hangover will ensue, you are too drunk to remember to drink water. On the other hand, if you’re sober enough to remember to drink water, your hangover will be negligible, anyway.
BACK TO OUR STORY....
As I gingerly fixed myself a hearty brunch of Whatever Is in the Refrigerator, I began to mentally prepare for the coming festivities.
Let’s see, I thought, as I ripped the label from a can of Chunky Soup and set it on the electric stove. Tux all ready?
|Not that there's anything |
wrong with that
I stirred the bubbling Sirloin and Vegetable stew with a ballpoint pen and sniffed an open jar of Miracle Whip. Pronouncing it better than school paste, I jammed a baloney (I am NOT using the pretentious “bologna.” It’s just as snooty as saying “catsup”) foldover into its mouth and dragged myself over to the couch. I panicked as I momentarily forgot where the wedding rings were.
To be continued....
|NOTE: NOT how I looked in 1986. But, you get the idea.|
Next: Off to the party!