Thursday, July 7, 2011

I Do-La Fin

    The standard wedding rituals are kinda cool.  I’m kinda partial to the ole Fling the Garter shtick to a crowd of  single dudes who swarm all over a little bit of lace and elastic like seagulls on a box of french fries.
    Although I wonder what kind of message it sends that I enjoy pawing my wife’s leg in order to get a piece of her underwear just so I could toss it to a pack of liquored-up hyenas?
Yes. Dignified.
    Tossing of the Bridal Bouquet is much more dignified in that the ladies don’t dissolve into a rowdy scrum to grab hold of a handful of flowers.  At least here you don’t have to worry about the Flower Girl getting body-slammed into the cold cut table by a frenzied, middle-aged spinster.
"Hmm..hope I get the frick outta
here before 'Matlock' comes on."
    But, you still had to keep a good eye on Aunt May.  A little dodgy in her old age, she treated that bouquet like free lime jello at the La Ciruela Pasa retirement community.
    Truth be told, though, this is much more organized than anything the men do (a lesson which applies throughout most of life).  The bride actually uses a stand-in bouquet while she keeps the real one as a keepsake.
    One of the oddest customs is for the bride and groom to save the top layer of their cake.  Once home, this piece of sugary goodness will be placed in the freezer, to be consumed on the night of the first anniversary.
    Like all good newlyweds, we kept ours.  Although, to be honest, the following year, when we pulled out this mummified glob of brightly-colored frosting and insulation-like cake, we ditched it.  And instantly headed to Dairy Queen for a couple of blizzards.
    Thankfully, the festivities finally drew to a close and we prepared to make good our escape.  We said goodbye to close friends, assured out-of-town relatives we’d be sure to visit, and promised to pay the Ring Bearer's medical bills (who came real close to snagging that garter).
    Despite our best efforts for a speedy, incognito departure, the remaining guests gathered at the front door to bid us farewell.  We were actually touched that they thought enough of us to do so.  That is, until we learned that the bar had closed and they were heading out to the oceanfront.
"Before we go...has everyone peed?" 
    In a setting reminiscent of the that scene in the Wizard of Oz when the wizard stiffed Dorothy by flying off in his balloon, everyone began waving and wishing us well as we drove away in a rice-filled car festooned with streamers and empty beer cans on the bumper.
    Finally alone, we held each other’s hands as we began our lives together.  Sure, the day was hectic, fraught with frayed nerves and nagging unease over whether we made the right decision.
    Gazing into each other’s eyes, we knew we were meant to be together.  All the aggravations and petty annoyances were just that-petty.
    Bathed in the serene glow that comes only with true contentment, I eased our vehicle onto the interstate to whisk us away to a honeymoon lodge, whose location was known to no one save us (NOTE:  Of course, you know it as the “Land of Love” in the Poconos.  There were no dildos in the 1986 gift shop, though.  But, they did have Tampax.  Which we didn’t need.  Hubba, hubba).
    “We’ll be there soon.”  I cooed to my wife (wife!) as I coasted to a stop next to the toll booth.
    I removed my hand from hers for a brief second so that I could reach into my trouser pocket to fish out toll money.
    Reluctantly dropping my eyes from her beautiful face, I looked in my wallet.  Hmm, that’s odd.  I thought I had two one hundred dollar bills in there last night.... 
    Why do I only have two bucks in there now?
    That damn Denny’s!

    We now return 2011.  Please return your seats to the upright position, stow your tray tables, and button up your pants, for pity’s sake! 
    Whew!  That was a long one, wasn’t it (that’s what she said)?
    You’ll have to excuse me now.  It probably would be prudent to throw away any Super Glue in the house.  I don't want to take any chances once I fall asleep.
    Mrs. Penwasser just walked into the room. 


  1. Awww...what a nice story it has been. It obviously meant a lot to you, or you wouldn't remember it in so much detail!

  2. I remember my wedding day being one of the best days of my life. I never thought I would feel different when I got married but I suddenly felt that I had grown up. Great tale.

  3. You kept the cake?


    That's one really sweet ritual! Never heard of it before, but thanks to your post, I plan to do it for MY wedding. ;)

  4. We really did. We traveled with it from Virginia Beach to Orange Park, Florida. On May 31, 1987, we pulled it from the top portion of the freezer, unwrapped the tin foil, took one taste of year-old frosting, looked lovingly into each other's eyes, and then (for real) went to Dairy Queen.

  5. @Eva: The single most memorable event of my life. I also remember that it was as hot as the surface of the sun that day.
    @Tony: That's exactly how I felt. Especially since I had to wear a "big boy" tuxedo.

  6. no dildos in the gift shop? What's the point? ;)
    Loved this post. Sweet, raunchy and funny all at once.

  7. I hope she doesn't glue you up. I heard it is painful to remove.

  8. @Dawn: Dildos with remote controls. No way I was going to take a chance on buying one and accidentally turning it on. The thing would probably chase me around the room. Call me old-fashioned......
    @OT: Glue is all gone.

  9. Sweet memories, Al, thanks for sharing. But as far as the bouquet throwing thing goes, I had an all out brawl at my wedding and the bouquet was a tattered mess by the time the victor pulled free of the fray, hair and clothing askew. Made for some great shots for the wedding album!

  10. Very cool story Al. Even if the gift shop didn't sell any sex toys back then she was obviously happy and stayed with you all these years! We saved our cake too and took a bite on our 1 year. Blckkkk! But it was for good luck right?

  11. My parents kept the cake in their freezer for years, eventually after I was born and several years old, I found it and ate it, it was still pretty good!

    By the way, I have scars and I think a head injury from the several times I have had to stand in a group of single women waiting for a wedding bouquet!

  12. That is so sweet! *insert awwwww* If she finds more glue use nail polish me.

    As for eating year old cake...I don't care what kind of tradition it is...that is nasty!

  13. Another 'aaawww' ... just lovely :o)

  14. @Nancy: I just checked the pictures and the ladies were all lined up like they were waiting for tickets to the opera. Maybe they were scared by that happened during the "Garter Brawl?"
    @Barb: I think it WAS good luck. Because, ever since, the Dairy Queen ALWAYS had the type of blizzard I wanted. Even that one time I tried the "Nerds" variety (bleccchhhhhh!!!)
    @Tracy: Did you go to the same reception as Nancy?
    @Jewels: But, I thought that was for if I painted my schl.....oh, never mind.
    @Deborah: Thanks. I'm still amazed she hung around. She could have done much better.

  15. This sunny Saturday morning, upon re-entry into Earth's orbit (it appears I've been away - so say my commenters) I sat back and read your "I do" series.

    Here's how it went...I sputtered out my coffee and chunked up bits of cheesy toast because I was laughing so much.

    I was able to stave off peeing in my pants (too dehydrated and the coffee on triggers number two) so there were no further interruptions (I’m not married, hence the no further interruptions).

    So, I continued (as the loyal follower that I am) and was thoroughly spent (without losing a dime) by the time I arrived at the toll booth with you and Mrs. P. (I paid attention to your “Note: don’t miss this” advisories along the way - therefore not missing the ever important punch line)

    The question begs...Did Mrs. P have to pay the toll (could be why things look less rosy) or did you have plastic in that wallet of yours next to that deuce?

    And...I bet my coffee and cheesy toast encrusted Mac that Mrs. P’s version is slightly different! (as seen through the rose coloured glasses of love)

    You do have a way with the written word Al, I truly laughed!
    A great start to my weekend. Thanks!

    Cheers, Jenny

  16. Hi, Jenny! Much cheered at your return. Here's how it went: we had to fish through all the available change that was: in the ashtray, under the seats, wedged in the seats, under the floor mats, stuck to a dried soda top, covered in unidentifiable fuzz, etc. to come up with the toll. Which I presented with both hands (it was $.75) to a not-so-amused toll collector. Luckily, I didn't have to argue, "Hey, it's money. It spends." I think he took pity on us.

    By the way, coffee does the same thing to me. Which reminds me. I just had breakfast. With coffee. Gotta g.........

  17. The wedding night was a whole different story. Maybe one day I'll tell of it....? But, that will earn me the Penile Super Glue treatment for sure.