Saturday, July 30, 2011

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

  Well, that's not exactly right.  Since I work in Education, my summer vacation isn't over yet.  In fact, tomorrow I leave for New England to go camping with my brothers.  It'll be a four-day bacchanal of beer, bawdy stories, beer, farting contests, peeing in (not at) Mother Nature, going out for pizza (hey, just because we're camping doesn't mean we're savages), beer, belching show tunes, pull-my-finger at Walmart (where I think we'll fit in great), tossing whatever we can find into the campfire, and a rip-roaring Yahtzee contest.
  For some reason, our wives and daughters don't want to go.
  Still, I thought I should let you know how it went on the vacation I just returned from (sorry about my egregious use of a preposition at the end of a sentence).  Spending thousands of dollars I didn't have (I just voted to raise my family's debt ceiling so it's all good), we spent five wonderful days in a beautiful foreign country (don't worry, Camden, next year the Penwasser family's coming your way!).
  Oh, yeah, it was the Dominican Republic.  Which, surprisingly, wasn't founded by a religious order.  Or Republicans.  Weird.
Just before a whompin' monsoon.
No problem, though. This was taken from a bar.
  History-It's Old: It was actually founded by Christopher Columbus and his band of unwashed sailors in 1492.  Luckily for us, toilets now exist on the island.
  As those of you who are regular visitors to Penwasser Place, you know we attended what is commonly known as a "Destination Wedding" (for some reason, the destinations for these excursions never include the Amish Country.  Or New Jersey).
  It was a fantastic time, not lessened in the least by widespread bouts of gastrointestinal distress and an unconfirmed report that the groom peed in the pool.  Hey, it couldn't have been worse than that floating "nose oyster" which drifted by me as I lifted a glass of my favorite beverage (my favorite beverage being all of them).  No problem, though.  I scooped it up in someone's unattended glass.
  Seriously, though, who thinks it's okay to hawk up a loogey in a swimming pool?
  I've been to quite a lot of places in my time evading the law serving in the Navy and this is the first place that I've visited where the staff didn't know a whole lot of English besides "Hello," "Good morning," and "No peeing in the pool."
La Playa.
Spanish for "We Bring Your Drinks To You"
  Luckily, I was able to use the Spanish gleaned from four years of high school and three episodes of CSI: Miami.  I never had my drink or food order mixed up and I was able to successfully locate beach towels.  But, I think I'm engaged to one of the housekeepers.
  Even Mrs. Penwasser, correctly deducing her one year of high school German was as useless as Mel Gibson at a bris, picked up a few phrases of Spanish.  With her deft use of "Uno mas," "Gracias," and "Ola!" she'd be confused with Ricky Ricardo in drag.  If he wasn't dead.

    I will admit to feeling a little uncomfortable, though.  Even though I very often don't have enough money to pay attention, I'm Donald Trump compared to some of the people we saw.  There is crushing poverty outside the gates of the resort.  Plus, sharing the same island with Haiti can't be that swell of a deal, either.
  By the time we left last Monday, I was really pretty tired of being waited on.  I'm really not the type of person who gets off on someone constantly at my beck and call.  Leave that kind of stuff to Paris Hilton.
These were the cheap seats
  The wedding itself was beautiful, despite a downpour which turned the aisle leading up to the bridal gazebo (French for "fancy pillar thingie) into a soggy morass of rose petals and pink chiffon banners.  The only time I wore long pants the whole time I was on the island, I sweated more than Charlie Sheen at a papal barbecue.  Yet, it was a beautiful expression of the love between two people who adore each other.  And, a perfect excuse to lay around like sedated sea lions on a Caribbean beach.

  Okay, I'm tired of writing.  How about a few more pictures?

  The outside of our room.  I wanted to take a picture of the inside, but Mrs. Penwasser refused to let me. Apparently, she was embarrassed that her bra was hanging from the ceiling fan.  No, that's not exactly true.  It was my boxers.
  Surprisingly, the pinkish phallus-looking object in the lower left corner of the picture is not a Dominican fertility symbol, but a light.
  Boy, how red-faced was I when I was told by one of the staff to stop humping it.
  Good thing I knew Spanish.

  For those of you who are products of the Detroit School System (I can't make fun of New Jersey anymore.  For now), these are flamingos.  Contrary to popular belief, they are not pink due to a diet rich in rich in shrimp.  Rather, their color is due to massive ingestion of rose petals.  (NOTE: Not true).

  Interesting Fact O' Nature:  Flamingos are the only indigenous animals who cannot kill you.  Even the cute little salamanders grow up to be dinosaurs.
(NOTE: That is totally not true.  Good thing you don't read this crap to get an education).

  Our final day, this is the front entrance.  Luckily, you can't see the machine-gun nests (NOTE: It's getting to where you can't trust a single word I say, huh?).
  There are mountains in the background, but you can't see them because of the fog (NOTE: This is true).
  You can also see me tying my shoe in the lower right corner of the picture.  I've been taking pictures like this since 1979, but I don't know why.
  Starting sometime next week, I'll start sharing them.  Rome, Paris, Venice, the Suez Canal....don't ask me why.  I just did it.

    That's it for now.  It's after midnight, but I wanted to give my summer report before I start shoveling snow.  It's late and I need to go to bed.  Because tomorrow.....
    A camping I will go.


  1. What an excellent post, Mr. Penwasser!

    I feel all educated and smart about things like light fixtures and floaty thingys in water and about mountains not showing up through fog.

    I can't wait to read about your camping trip, man, you get to play Yahtzee and pull your finger in Walmart - damn you are one lucky dude.

    Have fun and I'll be waiting (sort of like stalking only more dignified given that I'm from Canada) for your next instalment.

    Cheers, Jenny

  2. What an amazing way to spend a vacation...! Plus you taught me the excellent word "bacchanal"... will definitely get a lot of use out of that one.

  3. Al you piised my wife off! She is trying to sleep and I'm in the next room laughing my ass off! Great post! Note: why ya gotta pick on Detroit? Our state sucks bad enough thank heavens for hockey and baseball!

  4. I'd sure like to be a fly on the tent on that camping trip! Sounds like a crazy time!

  5. Great pictures.

    And on a side note, I thought we all read your post to get educated? lol

  6. As a product of a school system exactly 4 miles outside of Detroit, I can honestly say that I never took a class on flamingos so I guess there is some truth to what you say.

  7. Have a wonderful time hanging out with the guys and camping. That should be captured on video. And thank you for not making fun of NJ just once. Remember I left for a reason! So I don't mind any jokes about NJ. It sucks.

  8. Looks like a pretty darn good vacation to me!

  9. linda richmond wants you to know that your blob made her verklempt...

  10. Loved the recap, Al. Hey, you zipped to over 100 followers! WOOHOO!!
    Every line made me laugh, as usual. My personal favorite was the comparison to Mel Gibson at a bris.
    Have a great time camping.

  11. You do realize that Christopher Columbus was the head of the Religious Whack Jobs Society?