Thursday, June 2, 2011

A Public Service Announcement

  Part of my weekend included watching my daughter compete in a dance competition (no, not at a Gentlemens Club.  Thank God).
  Anyway, I was surrounded during this marathon by seeming thousands of squealing little girls, shrieking harpy moms, and emasculated fathers wearing "Dancer Dad" tee shirts.  Unfortunately, I was called upon on a number of occasions to hold my wife's purse.
  So, as not to appear to be a eunuch girly-man, I determined there is a proper way to hold your beloved's (or wife's) handbag.  And a myriad of IMproper ways.
  As a public service, I decided to share this knowledge with you.

  Okay, this is the worst possible technique to hang on to your wife/girlfriend/significant other/blow-up doll's bag.  Guys:  NEVER shoulder a shoulder bag.  To do so makes you look effeminate....or at least someone who likes Judy Garland records.  Never mind that she's dead.  Unless that's the look you're going for.  Effeminate, not dead.
  Even though I was taking this picture in the spirit of "Guy Rules" science, I still had quite the sour look on my puss, didn't I (yes, I said "puss."  Hee hee)?
  Also, please note the absolutely hideous turkey twaddle looking neck I have.  Sheesh, what a cryptkeeper.

   Grandma?   Oh, my God, 'nuff said.
   At least it matches my shirt and my watch.
   And (as I'm sure some of you guys are saying), my skirt.
   Please keep in mind that I'm doing this for YOU.

All right, this is it.  The ONLY acceptable way to be seen "holding the bag" (as it were).  Please note the death grip I have on the straps.  It's also important to sport a "Please Shoot Me" look on your face as you gaze helplessly on everyone who's around you.  And to get rid of the 50 pound tampon-carrying satchel as soon as possible.

You're welcome.

Have a nice weekend.  Try to leave the purses at home.


  1. You are more of a man than I am. I don't hold any woman bag.

  2. I'm just hoping she pays it forward and holds my eventual colostomy bag.

  3. I love it. That is truly the only way a man can carry a bag...that or like a terrified man when you hand them a baby...aka as far from you as possible with your finger tips as though the thing is going to explode at any second and blow off your hand.

    I would never ask a man to hold my purse, it is just wrong. You are a sweetie for doing it though and a rockstar for sharing it with us! :)


  4. Remember to have me illustrate the proper way for a woman to hold her husband's bag sometime.

  5. Good information.
    P.S. I'm a little shocked (and laughing hard) at what Eva said.

  6. Not even my gay guy friends touch my handbag. As Jewels said. Just wrong.

  7. I guess I flunk the "woman test" because I rarely carry a handbag and it never would weigh anything if I did. I have always used a small wallet with a keyring attached. It has my keys, license, credit cards, and a small amount of cash in it. That's it. I guess the tomboy in me never grew up!

  8. A handbag is so much a part of a woman that she feels incomplete without it. I'm surprised you became guardian of it for even moments.


  9. Only real men would even consider holding their wife's purse. You rock Al. Oh and next time, we want full length pics.

  10. My husband rarely holds my purse, but when he does, it's just like you - death grip on the straps with an annoyed look on his face!

  11. LOL. That strangle hold on the purse clearly says I'm just holding it for someone. It looks awkward, especially since they invented handles.

    Ciao Signore Aqua di Montagna.;)

  12. @Jewels: You are so right about the baby. When I hold a baby, I feel like he/she is going to puke, wet fart, explosively crap, or fall apart in my hands.
    @Eva: Pity. I'd have my wife hold my coin purse (except at the supermarket) except it only contains a couple of shriveled walnuts.
    @dbs: Thanks. It's what I do.
    @Mynx: But would your gay guy friends ever wear pearls with corduroy? How gauche!
    @Laughingmom: You are a rare peach!
    @Core: Which is exactly where Mrs. Penwasser holds my aforementioned coin purse.
    @Manzanita: She DID have a little trouble breathing.
    @Barb: Thanks, Barb. Now I have to go dust and hand wash some doilies.
    @Leslie: I guess I'm trained (in a neutered kind of way). But, at least I don't have to purchase any "lady products" at the store (for her, not me).
    @AC: The accompanying grimace adds the perfect touch, too. Very nice Italian. I understood it. Guess that makes me a Renaissance man.

  13. absolutely not. At least never when they are out with me. lol

  14. It's ok if my wife touches my bag but no way am I holding hers. Well...once I did because I wanted gum so I made her turn onto a dirt road and five miles later she pulled over and I rummaged thru the thing for a stick!

  15. @Bushman: "touches my bag," "dirt road," "rummaged...for a stick."
    I still have a bit of a junior high school mentality.
    @Mynx: Well, thank goodness! Those guys always have a great sense of fashion.

  16. i love this post, al! you're right, there are definite rules about men holding purses. i ask my husband to hold mine regularly & the other day, i took the kid to the bathroom in a restaurant & left my purse at the table with him & we were gone for so long due to long lines & lack of stalls that my honey needed to go to the men's room. he was faced with the dilemma of sitting there & hoping we came back really, really soon or taking my bright fuscia, shiny purse with him to the bathroom. thankfully for him, we arrived in time. though, i would have loved if he'd had to take it with him. i bet they don't have purse hooks around the urinals.

  17. I carry my souses handbag on my shoulder. Yeah, the one with all the ballet poses on it.

    I'm often told it complements my eyes.

    At least my BW is at that stage in life where I no longer have to go get tampax for her anymore.

  18. @Sherilin: Lucky he didn't have to take it. But, if he DID have to take it in with him, he could've had fun with it: if he just sashayed into the Mens Room with a purse, I guarantee he would have had the whole room to himself in short order.
    @Anthony: Yep, those days are long ago in the past for me. Whew!