Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Fun With My Cell Phone Camera

    I love my cell phone camera.  Well, I don’t exactly love it.  My fetishes usually extend to the vinyl, hot fudge, and stiletto heel area code, but you know what I mean.  Still, there’s a lot to be said for setting my phone on vibrate, sticking it in my trousers, and asking beautiful strangers to call me.
    Along with the internet, sex robots, and three-ply toilet paper, cameras on cell phones will go down as some of history’s best ideas.  Light bulb, shmight bulb (I just made that up.  Ain’t I clever?), just give me a chance to snap a picture of “Crack Filler” at the Home Depot and I’m the funniest guy in your address book.
    Whenever I go out, I look for something which catches my eye.  Something whose sense of style grips me.  Something which prompts me to say, “Hey, that’s pretty funny.”
    If you’ve been a follower of mine for a while, first let me offer you my sincere condolences.  But, if you’re still with me, I’m sure you’ve noticed some of the pictures I’ve taken.  Things like “Bone and Joint Institute,” “Joint Compound,” “Plastic Wood,” “Wood Filler,” and “Butter Krak” struck my funny bone as I passed them.  Hopefully, you felt the same way.
    But I could never figure out what that can of "Heinz Spotted Dick" was. 
    I’m still looking for a box of condoms which are sized “small.”  Alas, like Bigfoot and a Rhodes Scholar working at the carnival, I don’t think they exist.
    Of course, the cell phone camera is an absolutely perfect vehicle for abuse (i.e., Anthony Weiner sending pictures of the Little Congressman around the country).  But, I prefer to use it with discretion and at a level of maturity not seen in the halls of Congress.
    Which is why I didn’t snap a picture of those twelve inch dildos in the Poconos.  I took a picture of tampons instead.
    Hmm, come to think of it, maybe I will run for office.
    Anyway, since they say a picture is worth a thousand words..... 

  I followed this truck until I ran out of gas.  But I'm thinking it's probably false advertising.  Like all those signs for BJs.


  Imagine how seriously pissed off these guys were when they showed up at the Patent Office and found out that the name "Jenga" was already taken.

  In case you're wondering what he's been up to.


  Seriously, pretentious A-Hole, you couldn't find any place to put your frikkin' sunglasses?

  Even though I say it too, think about what people are really asking you to do when they ask you to dial 'O'.  If you dialed 'O' instead of '0', you'd actually be dialing '6.'  And I'm thinking that would seriously F things up.
NOTE:  You already know my feelings on calling the 'Number' symbol a "pound" sign. 

  Okay, this will be the last time I send a picture from Five Guys (probably not. I really like the place, clogged arteries notwithstanding).  But, what kind of CYA is this warning?  How could anyone possibly tell that the peanut you're holding came from 5 Guys?  Are microchips imbedded in the things?  I'm tempted to buy some peanuts from the supermarket, pop a few in my mouth, and then walk in front of the joint  (hee hee...I said 'joint').  The manager would probably urinate his pants for fear of a lawsuit.

  What kind of freak, mutant marshmallow circus do these things come from?  Just because you press banana-flavored foam into the shape of a peanut doesn't give you the right to call them "Circus" Peanuts.  Tell you what.  Next time you go to the Greatest Show on Earth, try pawning one of these off to the pachyderms.  Jumbo will shove them right up your ass.
NOTE:  It's probably okay to remove these from Five Guys. 

  True, I didn't take this with my cell phone camera.  But, since what I have to say about this wouldn't take an entire post, I thought to fit it here. Didja ever notice that the only invention that Invent Help talks about is this crazy little deal?  No wonder they say that Bill Schaefer's (and an unnamed accomplice helper) success is no guarantee that you'll end up inventing the best thing since sliced bread.
Like a cellphone camera. 

    Okay, that’s it for now.  I need to go set my phone on vibrate.
    Hey, how ‘bout giving me a ring?


  1. i love this shit. a friend and i send phone-pics to each other from our shopping excursions every week!
    she'd love this too!
    i will totally call you, repeatedly!!!

  2. But, I don't know your feelings on calling the # a pound sign.
    But, people are shortening zero and they just say the ending. I'm gonna say that cause it makes people seem smarter. Maybe.

  3. @Violet: I have a ton of pictures on my cell phone with crap like this. Then, when I ran out of room, I placed them in a folder on my computer called "Funnies." I send the pictures to my family and friends pretty much every time I go out. The supermarket is a great place to get pictures. Like "Pretzel Rods."
    @Ruth: I ranted on that very thing a few weeks ago. I maintained that '#' is actually the symbol for 'number' not 'pound.' But, then I was told that the '#' symbol is used for "pound' in the restaurant biz. I say 'O' instead of '0' all the time, so I may be a bit of a hypocrite.

  4. Love this post, Al. Keep taking pictures. My faves (because of your comments) are the Bill Clinton Concert and Tumbling Towers.

  5. Bill Clinton (he actually is a real musician) is a local favorite. I gotta tell you, though, I would've changed my name if I were he. If only to prevent wiseguys like me from snapping pictures like this. As far as the Tumbling Towers picture, it was the PERFECT example of me walking by and thinking "that would be funny."

  6. You have way too much time on your hands,man.

  7. Even more now since school has let out for the summer and my softball season is winding down. Be afraid, be very afraid.

  8. I loved the pictures, and you are naughty ... what's your number LOL ;O)

  9. It's the female who prefers to put her phone on vibrate (high) and put it in her front pockets. What thrill could that be for a guy? But then again, I will never know that will I?

  10. I couldn't stop laughing at the "little congressman" comment. That is hilarious! The pictures are great. The Jenga one is my favorite!

  11. A few years ago we would never have imagined having such incredible technology at our disposal, and look at how we use it. We should be ashamed.

  12. This has the the potential for a new comic book.
    Great work, Al.

  13. haha, nice! Yeah, I find a lot of stuff with mine as well.

  14. Great pictures! Love it. I almost crashed a couple years back laughing my ass off at a giant tanker with "Dick's Lube" scrawled across the side of it! Yeah...I have the sense of humor of a middle school kid.

  15. @Deborah: Was it the vinyl, hot fudge, or stiletto heels which gave me away?
    @Barb: If placed in just the right position...excuse me while I take this call.
    @Leslie: I'm so grateful to Anthony Weiner for having the last name that he has.
    @Tony: I know. That and sex robots.
    @AC: Marvel or DC?
    @Dr. Heckle: Hardly a day goes by without a chance to snap something great.
    @Jewels: Oh, you should have gotten a picture of it! There is NO WAY that Dick didn't know that people would laugh at that (and that was probably the whole point).

  16. I love your funny insights on those weird signs and photographs. You should try coming up with captions for stock photos! You'd be good at that. :D

    I tried to post a comment earlier and I couldn't, so I really hope this gets through or I'll have to type it out all over again. ):

    And until I was 12, I ALWAYS called it the "pound" sign. Don't hate.

    Now, I just call it the "hex."

    ...Um, don't hate?

    P.S Your comments on my blog NEVER fail to crack me up. You're retired, right? Well, you must be the coolest elderly person EVER! :D

    Sorry if that offends you. Anyone over 20 counts as "elderly" to me. lol.

  17. I never seem to get it together enough to take cell phone photos. Except for that time my then-10 year old daughter played the word anus in Scrabble. Or that time the grocery store flyer advertised a 10/$10 sale on Country Cock.

    Huh. I guess I'm not too bad.

    I still have no idea why anyone would use single ply toilet paper. Do they hate America AND our freedom?

  18. @Lemons: You made it! I don't hate-I usually call it a "pound" sign too (but, I'm actually fonder of the pound "cake" sign). Hex makes much more sense (although "Hex Signs" are used by the Amish to ward off corn blight, electricity. and probably collect calls from Satan). I'm 53 and retired Navy and I NEVER get offended by being called elderly. Being on the downward side of middle-aged gives me the advantage of nodding off during conversations with people I don't like, eating dinner early, and having an excuse for the fungus on my toes. I love reading your blog, by the way.
    @Suniverse: Those kind of pictures are EVERYwhere! I can hear it now: "Anus is in the dictionary. Go ahead. Look it up. I'll wait."