Sunday, June 26, 2011

Dicktation

  The practice of shortening "Richard" to "Dick" is pretty much restricted to older dudes.  I don't really know why this is.  It's not like the pejorative "Dick" is a new creation in the world of slang.  In fact, I think it was first invented by one of the earliest kings of England who, during one of the Crusades (I don't feel like looking up which exact one) was incensed when Muslims called him "The Lionhearted Dick."
  And, even though he was played by Warren Beatty, there's just no getting around the fact that his name was Dick Tracy. Hmm, come to think of it, didn't Warren Beatty also play a hairdresser?  But, then again, he bagged Madonna.  Who herself bumped uglies with Dennis Rodman.  Who wore a wedding dress.  God, I'm so confused.
  Well, as they say at a Village People concert, back to Dick.
  Anyway, younger guys, rather than being compared to man's true best friend, prefer to be called "Rick," "Ricky,""Richie," or just plain old "Rich."  This is especially true if their last name is "Johnson."  Frankly, if my last name was "Johnson" and my parents christened me "Richard," there isn't a rest home too hideous for me to dump them in.
  Consider.....

Dick Cheney
While hunting, shot his friend.
Who probably thought he was named correctly.






Dick VanDyke
Tried to pass himself off as English in Mary Poppins, which also starred Julie Andrews (who is English).
Likewise, tried the same in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, which also starred Benny Hill (who is also English).  Story was written by Ian Fleming (who is, you guessed it, English).
A "Two-Fer," his last name can also be used to describe Ellen Degeneres' car.




Dick Cavett
Tried to be another Johnny Carson.  Hell, he couldn't even be another Merv Griffin.







Dick Clark
Didja see the poor guy last New Years Eve?
I'll give him a pass.









Dick Butkus
As bad as being called "Dick Johnson."
Still, no way am I calling this guy a dick.
He could hurt me.





Dick Armey
Really?  Why, oh why did his parents call him that?
What's next? Penis Platoon? Air Force Phallus?










Dick York
Co-starred with uber-hot (hey, in the 60s!) Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched.  Then, he left the show (Al's Historical Note: he was replaced by another guy named Dick.  Strange, but true.)








Richard Milhous Nixon
Even though his name is actually "Richard," was called Tricky Dick.
What, the thing could do magic?
Plus, his middle name is the same as Bart Simpson's best friend.








Richard Simmons
May as well be called Dick.  I mean, c'mon...
But, I'm sure his dad is proud.









Ricky Martin
One of the younger guys who doesn't go by the name Dick.  I find this strange, because after all, you are what you eat.

I'm sorry.  That was sophomoric and mean.

At least he didn't play a hairdresser.






Seriously, wouldn't it have been perfect if his first name was Dick?

16 comments:

  1. We actually have a pretty famous racing car driver here in Aus called Dick Johnson

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  2. Our High School Pricipal was named Richard Bender. Of all things to become he chose a high school principal

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  3. Butkus is worse than Dick, in my humble opinion. I wouldn't say that to his face either.
    xoRobyn

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  4. There are definitely many dicks in politics.

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  5. Yeah, I think I've had enough Dick today, thanks to this post.

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  6. Leave it to you to be talking dicks. I see that you are a man of no boundaries, lol.

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  7. We had a whole family of "Bater's" at my school and of course everyone would say..."What can I get for you today, Master Bater?" There were Master bater jokes all day long. There is no end to bad names and parents who clearly hated their children at birth.

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  8. Know of a "Dick" whose last name is Hard. No joke! Imagine filling out forms where it's last name first!

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  9. @Mynx: I actually think there's a race car driver over here called "Dick Trickle." I'm pretty sure (but, like always, I'm far too lazy to look it up).
    @Bushman: We had a school administrator (a long, long time ago) called "Richard Eaton." Also had a gym teacher in High School called Phil Ness. Guess how he chose to put his name on his door? Yep, that's right: "P. Ness."
    @Robyn: You and me both. I woulda changed both names to tell you the truth.
    @Eva: And Weiners.
    @Lost: "All Dick, All Day!"
    @Clipped: Better than smoking di....oh, never mind.
    @Jewels: Went to school with a kid called "Bates." Same principle applies as "Bater." Loads O' Laughs.
    In fact, I plan on writing about him in a future "Once Upon a Time" story....
    @laughingmom: I'd KILL my parents.

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  10. I have long held the theory that people that go by the name Dick do so for a reason. It gives you fair warning to their true character.

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  11. So that explains my neighbor, Asshole McGee.

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  12. I can't understand the guys who are named Dick AFTER THEIR FATHER - why was the dad being such a dick as to pass on that humiliation.

    Oh.

    Wait.

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  13. I think they just like the idea of calling someone (ANYone) "Little Dick." Then again, that would make them "BIG Dick."
    Hmmm.....I'm thinking it's a Freudian thing.

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  14. LMAO at "VanDyke."
    Great job, not hating on my dear Dick...Clark. ;)

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  15. No way, I admire the guy for trotting out there on New Year's while my fat ass is trying to stay awake on the couch.

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  16. In 20 years, everyone will have done porn or been nude at some point. By then we'll just choose whoever was in the more appropriate porn. This guy had this fetish, so i'm voting that guy.

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