Saturday, June 11, 2011

Carnal Confusion

  As at least some of you are aware, I took my wife to a honeymoon resort in Pennsylvania's Poconos this past weekend.  My intent was to celebrate our 25th anniversary at the same place where we honeymooned in 1986.
  Not surprisingly, we weren't able to exactly duplicate our initial foray to the "Land of Love."  We did manage to....well, no sense getting into that.  But, at least we were able to get to sleep at a reasonable hour, I was able to watch a baseball game on TV, she finished her "CSI" book, gross our kids out with "We're doing it now" texts, and who doesn't love those little hotel soaps?
  Anyway, in an attempt to forestall what she thought was the inevitable, my wife convinced me to visit the gift shop.  Not nearly as cheesy as I remember, it still offered your standard touristy crap:  coffee cups emblazoned with the resort logo, tee shirts of every size and color, the ubiquitous frogs-smoking-cigars figurines, personalized golf balls, his and her beef jerky, and lotions in every flavor except meatloaf.
  I found it odd that they also sold an impressive variety of mens magazines.  I mean, if you want to spend close to $500 so you could bring the latest copy of Penthouse Letters to your room, I won't judge.  I just think you could do it cheaper in the parking lot of Cracker Barrel.
  They also sold a dazzling variety of sex toys, sex aids, and blow-up livestock.  As I wandered through that section, I giggled at the memory of when we first went there.  I remembered my mission of bringing "Marital Aid of the Night" back to the room each evening ("No, you dope!! The bumps go on the outside!!").
  The resort has certainly changed that display, too.  For instance, I haven't seen such a collection of dildos in my life.  Coming (hee hee...I said "coming") in sizes and vein counts, the 12 inch version even had a remote control!  My God, I'd be afraid to turn the thing on.  It'd probably chase me around the room.
  They even had a homosexual version with remote control.  Feel free to use your imagination with that one.
  Anyway, while browsing through the medicine area in search of something to relieve the indigestion I developed at dinner (c'mon, give me a break.  I am 25 years older, after all), I noticed a fairly robust collection of feminine hygiene products.
  Oh, wow, I thought.  Can you just imagine how much of a gyp it would be to come (hee hee...  I said "come" again) all that way only to need to buy a box of lady plugs?
  But, as I looked at the shelf below it, I also noticed boxes of Efferdent dentures cleaner for sale.   Holy smokes!  Talk about May/December, Sunrise/Sunset, Coming/Going.  The very thought of Grandma and Grandpa getting busy gives me the willies.
  Better to need tampons, I guess.  Beats watching your lady friend popping her teeth into a jelly glass.
  Or turning on that 12 inch dildo.

Today's Current News:  Refusing to resign, Congressman Anthony Weiner insists he'll stick it out.

25 comments:

  1. And that is why I am not uping my life insurance and getting married again. I don't want to deal with a woman taking her teeth out.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yeah, it's a race between dental and penile failure. But I ain't sticking the damn thing in a jelly glass!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sounds like you had a great romantic weekend.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Blow up live stock. That's a new one. I haven't heard of that one before. It must be a rural thing. lol Happy Anniversary!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Vein count? That's up close and personal! Hope you had fun!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Singing: "It's the circle of life....La la la la....don't know the lyrics."

    Al, you really need to spend more time telling us about the rotting of our bodies as we age.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Happy Anniversary. Glad you're both still ALIVE.;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Happy Anniversary!

    "In an attempt to forestall what she thought was the inevitable" (Priceless. Wish I had that type of talent)

    ReplyDelete
  9. I honeymooned in the Poconos in 1967 with my first husband.....that didn't last 25 years; only lasted 12. At least I can now stop blaming the Poconos!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Happy Anniversary!!

    I will never look at my drive up to the Poconos or my weekend home the same way ever again! Then again where was that store again?! I did just burn out my heavily veined 12 inch vibrator!! ;)


    ...okay I tried to make a funny there but my vagina is cringing...I take it back! I take it back!

    ReplyDelete
  11. That was a great look into the gift shop in the Land of Love. Why didn't you take pictures of such wild things? Did you buy a sex toy as a souvenir?

    ReplyDelete
  12. @Barb: I wanted to take a picture of the sex toys, but even I have standards (this coming from a man perched on a curbside toilet). I was worried about looking like some perv. Bad enough I took pictures of tampons. As far as sex toys, I'm the only one Mrs. Penwasser needs. Well, that's really not true.
    @Jewels: I was a little surprised at how depressed the area looks now. I guess the economy is hurting everyone. I was also surprised at how many middle age people were in the Land of Love. I guess the youngsters are going to Vegas or some destination wedding. It kinda reminded me of the Catskills ("NOBODY puts Baby in a corner!!").
    @Eva: So it wasn't the heart-shaped tub? One of life's lessons: it's never a good idea to take a picture of your new bride in the tub while standing naked in front of a bank of mirrors. Yep. Did that. Little Al for all the world to see.
    @AC: At least it hasn't fallen off yet. Oh...whoops.
    @Bushman: Sadly, my shins have more veins (varicose) than the pink plastic throbbers. But, they don't need remote controls, dammit.
    @Mrs. E: Unless your blow-up cow has a leak. Then, it's a milk dud.
    @Ruth: I think we did. Nowadays, romance is a good nights sleep.

    ReplyDelete
  13. @Core: She insisted that her anniversary gift was to NOT have to undergo the inevitable. I won.

    ReplyDelete
  14. OMG!!!!!! Where the hell is this place? I have to go just so I can laugh at the told irony of it all!

    Oh Al... thanks for the giggle!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Pocono Palace in Marshalls Creek, Pennsylvania. It's situated between the boros of Cheesy and Tacky.
    Seriously, it really is a nice place.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I have never been to a hotel that had sex toys in the gift shop. And i thought you Americans were a conservative lot. hehe

    ReplyDelete
  17. It was every variety of sex toy imaginable (well, in my imagination, anyway).
    Conservative? Exhibit A: Anthony Weiner.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Man, this is the second sex post I've found on blogger today.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I think we're all trying to boost our Clean Meter rankings (in the naughty direction). Check out Lost in Idaho's blog to get an idea what it's all about. Pretty funny stuff.

    ReplyDelete
  20. al, i've come up with some pretty colorful ways to describe tampons, but i hadn't yet thought up "lady plug" and i like it! so thanks for that.
    happy anniversary! mine's tomorrow, but i think we're skipping this one.

    ReplyDelete
  21. And what color would that be? Oh, I'm sorry...even I think that's kinda gross. I won't skip wishing you a happy anniversary, though.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Sounds like you guys had a great anniversary weekend! I too have never been to a hotel that has sex toys in the gift shop. The "we're doing it now" text is just hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  23. haha, great post! laughed aloud at the text messages to the kids (which made it evident to everyone in the office that i am NOT working). that's so cool you got to go back to your original honeymoon spot. very sweet :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Leslie and Manders: Yeah, thank God we didn't get "We're doing it now" texts in return! (Cue banjo music)

    ReplyDelete