Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A New Term. You're Welcome.

    A few days ago, while dashing through my yard yelling at squirrels (I don’t like the way they look at me), I started to hear a phone ring.  It started just as I bent over to wrestle one of the tree rodents for his nuts (yes, I left myself wide open.  Enjoy.).  I initially paid it no mind because, after all, I’m known for hallucinations (Elvis at the proctologist) and hearing things (I’m telling you, those squirrels are hatching a plot against me). 
    So, I figured I was just being “old man crazy” again.
    As it kept ringing, though, I glanced at the neighbor’s yard.  Ever since I walked through their front door with my Wal-Mart vest on, they’ve been very reluctant to leave their house.  Still, it was a nice day, so maybe they thought it was worth the risk of engaging me in conversation.
    But, there wasn’t a soul in sight.
    Eventually, I heard someone say, “Hello?”
    Terrified, I spun around, desperately seeking the identity of the disembodied caller.  Since it was the day of the Apocalypse (NOTE: Now rescheduled for October 21st.  A Friday!  That effin’ Harold Camping dude really likes to dork up weekends, doesn’t he?), I was afraid Jesus had come to collect me.
    After concluding that the deity wouldn’t use a phone to contact me (although he mayyy text me.  We’re BFFs), I relaxed.
    As I continued to listen, I heard a familiar voice.  “Al? Al?  Pick up the damn phone!”  It sounded like Mrs. Penwasser.
    Looking all over the yard (the squirrel long since escaped to the safety of a tree-I swear that little SOB gave me the finger), I neither saw hide nor hair of my wife or a phone.
(NOTE:  Using the term ‘hide’ when describing my wife may be ill-advised).
    The voice continuing to badger me, I finally looked down at my front trouser pocket.  Coming from within my pants (which kinda sounds like the title for a porno, doesn’t it?) were demands that I answer.  
    I quickly grabbed my cell phone and said, “Hello?”
    “What do you mean, ‘hello’?  You called me.”
    “No, I didn’t.  My phone just started ringing.”
    “That’s crazy, you-oh, I know what you did.  You ‘Butt-Dialed’ me.”
    Thinking about it, though, I wondered how I could have Butt-Dialed her.  I mean, the phone wasn’t in my back pocket, but the front.
    In fact, how many people carry their phones hanging off their rear ends?  I’m sure some do, but not nearly enough to rate the distinction of the term “Butt-Dial.”
    I’ll bet you most people put their cell phones in their front pockets (unless they’re female.  They have the option of using the black hole known as a purse).
    So, I’ve decided to call this practice by a much more accurate term:  “Dick-Dial.”
    Dick-Dial is a much more precise description of how an accidental call could happen.  As a man shifts, his favorite friend could very easily punch up the number for the local Chinese restaurant, haberdashery (NOTE: I have no idea what that is), or Directory Information for Bangkok (Gratuitous, cheap joke).
    Unfortunately for me, I’ll never have to worry about being charged for an inadvertent overseas call.  Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’m physically unable to dial a long-distance call.
    It’s a curse.
    Thank goodness I’m a witty conersationalist.


  1. Very funny! Got two words for you : Key Lock. My father-in-law used to butt-dial me while doing yard work - especially riding the tractor, which meant he could not hear me screaming into the phone to hang up!

  2. dick dial --- bahhhhaaaaa ha ha

  3. Dick dialed, now that is hilarious.

  4. I have a keyboard that is covered until I choose to uncover it to dial a number. It was the only solution for me.....although I can't say I did any dick dialing.

    Blogger keeps insisting that I'm anonymous, but I know I'm Eva from Wrestling With Retirement.

  5. My dick isn't talented enough to dial someone.

    Besides, I keep my phone in my shirt pocket. I have nipple-dialed people before...

  6. I'm always dick-dialing... but it's usually late at night when my upper head has shut off until morning...

  7. I have a jedi squirrel around here somewhere.
    Just weird how he kept looking at me trying to put ideas in my head.

  8. Al, does proctologist Elvis (hilarious) make dick-dials?

  9. That's so funny.LOL.
    The mystery of those random late night calls I sometimes get is finally solved. I'm forced to listen to the worst conversations. Ever.

  10. I will have to ask Hubby if he has ever called someone in this fashion.

  11. so funny! i stick my phone between my boobs sometimes, but it hasn't yet called anyone that i know of. if it did, maybe we could name it a "cleavage call" but it doesn't sound nearly as fun as your dick dialing.

  12. Coming from within my pants (which kinda sounds like the title for a porno, doesn’t it?)

    Only if it was a horror porn

    Due to circumstances beyond my control, I’m physically unable to dial a long-distance call.

    My deepest sympathy to Mrs. Penwasser…The least you could do is put her phone on vibrate and dick dial her to make up for it….

  13. That's why I love flip phones and touch screen ones with locks on them. My old phone would do the same thing, and I would apparently call a person a day. Great terminology that you invented. It's very fitting :)


  14. @laughingmom: I've got key lock. I haven't foggiest idea what happened.
    @baygirl: the stupidest things tickle me.
    @OT: Methinks I fixate on Mr. Johnson and the twins.
    @Heckle: and sometimes I let my fingers do the walking.
    @Ruth: "These aren't the nuts you are looking for..."

  15. @Robyn: Only after he's done with his peanut butter and banana sammiches.
    @AC: I had a wrong number call me in the middle of the night and start threatening to come kick the crap out of me. Scared the piss outta me. Great. By admitting that, I've probably lost my Guy Card.
    @Littlesprite: I really do wonder if anyone has butt-dialed anyone.
    @Sherilin: I would think a "Boob-Dial" would be all muffled. Unless the lady was like Olive Oyl.
    @BL: "It Came From My Pants." Now that I think about it, maybe it was a nature flick. About lizards.
    @Sara: I had a flip phone. Till it flipped out (BUM DUM BUM)

  16. i've buttdialed. a few phones ago, had it in my back pocket. buttdialed an ex somehow while at the movies. not even sure why his number was still in my phone as he was the last person i wanted to talk to. it was like karma was just being mean.

    and i'm pretty sure a haberdashery sells hats and the like :)

    don't know what's wrong with blogger, but it won't let me comment with my google account!

  17. @manders: thank God. I thought a haberdashery was a German porno shop. Whew.