Thursday, April 7, 2011

April 7th-Brought To You By the Letter 'G'

Ghosties, Ghoulies, and Things Which Go Bump In the Night

FULL DISCLOSURE:  I was raised a Catholic and, as you know, was even an altar boy.  However, I was married to a Jewish girl (“Bug” from April 4th) for a few years before I married her Presbyterian hairdresser (not nearly as seamy as you think).  I’m continually amazed at her poor taste in men.  Anyway, the following may offend the deeply religious and people from Bridgeport, Connecticut.  In any case, if that describes you, you may wish to move along.  Yeah, as if....

  My daughter loves to watch “Ghost Adventures.”
  For those who have lives, “Ghost Adventures” is a program on the Travel Channel (Travel Channel??) that purports to show what the “living-challenged” are like.
  Oh, sure, some of you may smugly think you know everything there is to know about ghosts.  You’ve seen Casper cartoons, watched Bill Murray in “Ghostbusters,” and thought Patrick Swayze was the hottest spook you have ever seen.
  Poor Taste Department:  Of course as we all know, Patrick Swayze has since become a ghost.
  Anyway, “Ghost Adventures” follows the...uh...adventures of Zak (he of the big biceps) and his two sidekicks as they crawl around supposedly haunted places in the middle of the night (never in broad daylight.  I think that’s a law or something).  Using state of the art equipment, two cheesy goatees, and panicked gasps of “Dude!” from Aaron, they try to convince us that mouse farts are, in reality, calls from beyond the grave.
  Hey, who’s to say that “PFFFFFTTTTTTBLURRRPPPPP!!!!!” isn’t
“Get out, before I pants you?”
  Sometimes I watch the show with her just to make fun of it and poke her in the side screaming, “Boo!”  Our favorite episode was when the boys visited the abandoned Remington Arms factory in Bridgeport, Connecticut.
  For those of you unfortunate enough to be traveling through Bridgeport, you can see the factory just before you disappear in a pothole on I-95.  The reason I liked that particular show was that, since my personality was forged in that cauldron of urban decay, I recognized the area.  Which is why I moved very far away from it.
  I had to laugh at Zak and company.  Even though they tried to impress upon us that their immortal souls were in danger, they were actually safer locked inside.  I’m not saying Bridgeport is dangerous, but even the birds carry guns.
  The more I thought about the idea of ghosts, the more I thought about what do people do to get rid of them (especially if they’re stupid enough to build a house over an Indian graveyard.  Always Indian, never Amish)?
  For instance, are Catholics the only ones allowed to be exorcists?
  But, what happens if a priest wasn’t available and you had to call in, say, a Lutheran?
  OK, raise your hands.  How many think a demon would be intimidated by a Lutheran?  That’s right, any self-respecting spawn of Satan would just yawn and put up drapes.
  I would think he’d have to call in a priest (sort of like a theological Batman).  Who’d then sprinkle some holy water on the sofa, say a few “Be gone from this holy place, foul demon!” incantations, and hand out some Bingo cards.  Still, it’d be-voila!-no more demon!
  It couldn’t be that simple, though.  Certainly, there’d have to be Jewish ghosts.  Would a Catholic work then?  A crucifix would have no effect on a Yiddish evil spirit, I’m sure.  Maybe a Star of David?
  I would think for a Jewish ghost, you’d need a rabbi.  Imagine that....
  “So, Mr. Fancy-pants, you think you’re so special you can come in here and terrorize these nice people?  Stop being such a big shot, get your coat, and scram, ya schmuck, ya. And don’t forget to wipe your feet.”
  Plus, what about Muslim ghosts?  How would even know your ghost was a Muslim?  Would you have a shoe thrown at your head in the middle of the night?
  How ‘bout Mormon ghosts?  I wouldn’t think that’d be so bad.  They’d probably only possess your bicycles.
  Finally, how would you get rid of an atheist ghost?  Surely there have to be some.  Maybe all you’d need to say is, “You don’t believe in me?  Well, I don’t believe in you.  Swear to God.”  Problem solved.
  Just to be on the safe side, better keep the Vatican on speed dial, though.  


  1. I have never seen the show, but this was a fun post. And I wasn't even offended.

  2. I get a kick out of watching Zak and team on Ghost Adventures. They try so hard to make it believeable. I may have blog about the time my husband crashed a ghost hunt out on his family's property where there is an old one room schoolhouse. Of course I would credit the idea to you!

  3. I don't know the show you talk about but I like ghosty shows. I've seen a few lurking here and there. I really like my ghosts in songs. The one that comes to mind is, "I don't stand a ghost of a chance with you." or ""Ghost riders in the sky." Or..... must be more.

  4. Great post.

    And yes you should keep the vatican on speed dial just in case.

  5. You are silly, I like the Casper reference, I am again only 33, but I feel like "kids these days" don't know about the original Casper cartoons, which I loved. I was raised Catholic and am not "recovering" and married to a lovely Jewish man!! With a cashew or I guess Jewistan on the way!! :)
    And I have always wondered the same thing about the exorcisms!

  6. Oops that should say and am NOW "recovering" hee hee

  7. What a great "G" post! (better than a G-string, don't you thing, Al!)

    I bet Bug is going to come back and haunt you one day!

    Cheers, Jenny

  8. Oh my gosh, you're so funny! I'm stopping by from the "A to Z" challenge. I really enjoyed reading your posts and I LOVE the picture at the top. Thanks for sharing!

  9. Something I've been pondering for quite awhile. I'm glad you brought it out to the public for me. What does ONE do with these different denominational ghosts? hahahaha

  10. The alpenwasser in your URL caught my eye... just to discover that it's totally unrelated to alpine water. :-) But what I did find was pretty clever and, yes, even funny. Happy A2Z2U!

  11. @Eva: the show is a hoot. Kinda creepy and funny at the same time.
    @Leslie: that blog would be hysterical!
    @Manzanita: check it out. Like I said, it's on the Travel Channel (maybe because we deal with people who have traveled to the great beyond).
    Oilfield: I really think I'm going to have a lot of explaining to do. I'm convinced a lot of nuns are laying (or is that lying?) in wait for me when I die.
    @jdracecar: cashew or Jewistan! I love it!
    @Jenny: the only time a G-string would scare me if it was...on me. There really are plenty of Bug Tales out there.
    @Sylvia: Thanks for stopping by. Yeah, that picture absolutely MORTIFIES my 16 year old daughter! And, thanks for being my 50th follower!!
    @Barb: The best stories come from real life. When we were watching it, I asked my daughter if SHE had ever heard of non-Catholic exorcists. Thus, a blog was born.
    @Penned Pebbles: You're real close. Long story short...when we were in the Navy, my friends and I invented a fake person inspired by a bottle of Portuguese (I know...Portuguese??) bottled water: Alpen Wasser.
    Thus, a pen name was born.

  12. Hauntingly good.


    What if you're haunted by all the slaughtered insects? Like mosquitoes?

  13. That's what I mean. I'm thinking that only a priest would work for the ghosts of Catholic people. Everything else (including bugs) would just give him the stink-eye.

  14. You forgot Buddhist and Hindu ghosts who need Tantriks wearing skulls and a big skull and other paraphernalia and lots of promises of goodies to disappear, Indian ghosts are mostly women draped in a white Saree and candle in her hand.