NOTE: The joke below is not true (well, as far as I know) nor is it an original gleaning from the cluttered cobwebs of my mind. Rather, it’s just a retelling of an old nugget I heard many years ago. I figure that, after yesterday’s lengthy trip to the beach (kudos-congratulations, not the candy bar-to you plucky souls who read it the whole way through), you could use a short break. So, I’ll shut up. Now.
WARNING: The following contains liberal uses of snooty, ten-dollar words. Hey, I just bought a new dictionary and wanted to take it out for a spin.
A professor was pontificating to a lecture hall full of college students during the introductory phase of General Psychology 101 (you know, the easy class which teaches you just how screwed up you really are and allows you to say “penis envy” without getting into trouble).
Detecting an air of malaise no doubt exacerbated (NOTE: Rare use of the words ‘malaise’ and ‘exacerbated’ in one sentence) by the fact that this was the very first class following the Thanksgiving break, the professor endeavored to perk up his charges with the results of the newest pie chart from USA Today.
“A new survey came out today,” he began, “which purports to report how often we have sex in the United States.”
This, naturally, got the whole room’s attention.
“However, I shan’t elucidate on the results until I conduct our own survey.” Scanning the room, he said, “By a show of hands, how many of you have sex daily?”
This prompted a quarter of the room to raise their hands, some timidly, some boldly and quite proudly. (NOTE: These people are commonly known as “liars”).
“Very good.” the academic continued. “Now, what about once a week?”
A good many more raised their hands.
Ostensibly jotting down the results, he then commented, “Not bad. Once a month?”
A smattering of mostly older students put their hands in the air this time (Ahhhhh, getting closer to “Life of Al” now).
“All right, so far your responses correspond exactly with this survey. No surprises, really.” Thinking a moment, he then said, “Okay, just for the sake of argument, is there anyone here who has sex only once a year?”
From the back came one undergraduate who jumped out of his seat and excitedly shouted, “Me, Dr. Bagadonutz, me!!”
A bit flustered by the young man’s exuberance, the professor took off his glasses (a bit of theatrics he learned from the “Goodbye Mr. Chips” school of...well...school) and squinted at the student as he jumped up and down like a “Whack-A-Mole” on crack.
“My good man, did you hear what I said? I asked if there was anyone here who had sex once a YEAR.”
Running down the aisles to get closer to the esteemed pedagogue, the student gushed, “Yes, sir, I heard you loud and clear!”
“Then why on Earth are you so excited!?”
The student clapped his hands and proudly exclaimed, “Tonight’s the night!!”
BA DUM BUM.
Hope you enjoyed.