Sunday, April 24, 2011

April 24th-Brought To You By the Letter 'X'


NOTE:  The following is a tale of the newest member of the X-Men.  My favorite comic book characters growing up were Superman, Spiderman, and Little Lulu.  As I grew older, my childish proclivities (fancy word meaning ‘predisposition.’  You’re welcome.) shifted from “funny books” to the classics.  Like the underwear section of the Sears catalog or anything I found in Dad’s sock drawer.  In that time, though, I never read any X-Men books.  Don’t know why.  I just didn’t.  That being the case, my knowledge of all things “mutant” is limited to what I’ve gleaned from the X-Men movies (I did learn that Halle Berry is smokin’ hot).  So, the below may contain some inaccuracies.  Sure, I could have done research, but screw it, the A-Z Challenge is almost over.

    Sneezing in the sudden presence of light, especially sunlight, is a phenomenon known as sun sneezing or the photic sneeze reflex. Affecting anywhere between 10 to 35 percent of humans, it has prompted the following question:  what in the world is going on?
    There is no solid proof of what triggers this, but some hypothesize that it is caused by a gene affecting the center of the brain responsible for sneezing.  Even though this specific gene has not been identified, it can be inherited.
-Ferris Jabr and Michael Easter
9 Nov 2009
http://scienceline.org    

X-Men:  The Rise of Mucousa
    Professor Xavier (played by Jean Luc Picard), seeking the release of fresh air, wheeled from the front door of Hogwarts (yes, I know.  This is where Harry Potter goes to school.  I had to put something down).
    He coasted to a stop.  The weather was pleasant, he happily noted.  A soft breeze wafted through trees just beginning to shake off the torpor of winter.  The noonday sun, dazzlingly bright, poked from behind a soft cloud.  Not yet blazing with the heat of summer, its soothing warmth bathed his face.
    Refusing to surrender to a blissful reverie, his mind shifted to the reason why he had come outside.
    The new student, Mucousa, while certainly sincere, was not exactly what the X-Men were looking for.
    “Looking for, professor,” Xavier harshly reminded himself.  One must never end a sentence with a preposition.  It’s not a good habit to be saddled with.
    Damn.
    Oh, sure, he continued, sneezing by command was an impressive feat.  One which most people on Earth were not blessed with.
    Crap, the professor thought, there I go again.
    As unique as this power was, he doubted its utility as a crimefighting tool.  Maybe he could give a foe a cold, but what good would that do when the incubation period for upper respiratory infections was measured in days?
    Bad enough we have the Athletes Footster, he thought, but a photic sneezer?  He decided to give the Justice League a call.  Maybe they could use him.  After all, they had that know-it-all, Aquaman.
    He heard a noise behind him.
    “So, what are you doing out here, Professor?” he heard the voice of Wolverine.
    Xavier turned and saw his burly friend, accompanied by Storm (as noted above, played by Halle Berry.  Hubba hubba).
    “I thought you wanted to get in on the Jenga tournament,” she said.
    Before he could answer, they each heard, “Sadly, there will be no Jenga tonight.”
    They quickly turned.  Their hearts froze as they saw, descending from behind the branches of the nearest tree, the menacing form of their archenemy, Magneto (played by John Gielgud in the movie.  No, that’s not right.  Malcolm McDowell?  No, that doesn’t sound right, either.  Okay, the guy who played “Gandalf” with all those hobbits).
    “Magneto!”  Xavier shouted.
    “Very good, professor,” Magneto smirked.  He raised his right hand and, immediately, the metal arms of the professor’s wheelchair folded inward (the professor’s normal chair being in the shop for its yearly inspection, he was given a cheap “loaner”).
    From off to the side came an enraged roar as Wolverine, deploying his fearsome claws, charged the villain.
    “My boy, you never learn,” he said, raising his left arm.  Instantly, the metal coursing through Wolverine’s body was seized in Magneto’s magnetic grip (that it was magnetic is something I felt I didn’t need to explain) .
    Paralyzed, Wolverine dropped to the ground.
    WRITER’S NOTE:  Magneto says that Wolverine “never learns.”   Since I’m an X-Men expert (did I mention the movies?), it seems that “Wolvie” always charges Magneto, forgetting that he has more metal in him than the Terminator.  I think Wolverine is kind of a dope.  We continue...
    Turning his attention to Storm, Magneto hissed, “Don’t think I’ve forgotten you.  I’ll get you, my pretty.  And your little dog, too!”  (Oops, sorry.  Wrong movie.).
    Suddenly, the metal rails leading from the door lift, snakelike, from the ground.  Like a snake (yeah, we get it), they quickly wrapped themselves around Storm’s smokin’ hot body.  Her arms pinned to her side, she was unable to use her powers of smokin’ hotness to control the forces of the weather.
    “And, now, my helpless friends,” Magneto thundered, “Degrassi is mine!!” (is that closer?) He then gave the patented bad guy laugh, most recently used by Dr. Evil.
    Suddenly, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?  I’ve got Jenga all set up.”
    Standing in the doorway was the new recruit, Mucousa.  Not nearly the image of a superhero, he actually looked more like a cross between any one of those guys on The Big Bang Theory and Wally Cox (except Wally Cox is dead, so maybe that’s a bad example).
    USELESS PIECE OF CRAP:  Did you know that Wally Cox was the voice of Underdog?  Yeah, how ‘bout that?  We continue...
    “Who is this puny, pusillanimous pipsqueak?” the redundant Magneto sneered.
    Seeing a chance, the Professor gasped, “Mucousa.  Sun.  Engage.”
    “I don’t know if we can take a fifth playe...ohhhhh!”  Mucousa protested, just before he took the Professor’s meaning.
    Suddenly assuming a stern look, he gazed sharply at the sun.  His eyes began to water and his face screwed up in what could have been misinterpreted as a “sex face.”
    But, the Professor knew better.  He knew what was coming.
    His eyes shut tightly and nose lifted slightly, Mucousa walked rightly (sorry, I love adverbs) to the contemptuous rogue (I love thesauruses).
    Starting to laugh, Magneto blurted, “What in the-“
    He never finished his sentence.  Mucousa let loose with a thunderous sneeze, drenching the purple-clad scoundrel with a torrent of...uh...mucous (geez, I would have thought that would have been obvious.  Given the name).
    Disgusted, distracted, and discombobulated, Magneto’s concentration was broken for a brief second.
    Long enough for Wolverine to pounce like a wolverine (ohh, I get it now).  With a savage roar, he swung his arm in a mighty arc.  His talons easily ripped through Magneto’s neck, severing the head from the body.
    The head thudded to the ground, its dead eyes staring at the robin’s egg blue sky and an “Oh, crap!” expression crossing its lifeless face.
    From behind him, Wolverine heard Storm, “Think that was a little dramatic, Logan?  I was just going to surround him with an electrical field.”
    Wolverine shrugged.  Storm complained.  In her skintight cat-suit.
    But, the Professor smiled.

    Six months later.....
    Wolverine dashed into the Superhero Dormitory (I don’t know what they call it.  Give me a break.  We’re almost done here.).
    He called to the newest X-Man, “Hey, Mucousa!  Suit up!  There’s an evil force eating Chicago.  They’re calling it ‘Oprah!’”
    Leaping to his feet, Mucousa jumped into his orthopedic shoes and snapped on his inhaler belt.
    His face grew dark.
    “Looks like someone’s going to come down with a head cold.”

The End?    



       
           

11 comments:

  1. LOL! Love it.
    Oh and Wolverine is NOT a dope!
    *sigh* Wolverine.....

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  2. OMG! I had totally forgotten about Wally Cox! Now there's a blast from the past! Right up there with Little Lulu!

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  3. Get with an artist and come up with a costume for Mucousa. He will be my new favorite.

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  4. I have not seen any of the X-Men movies. I guess the joke is on me.

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  5. I absolutely loved Wally Cox. Both his voice and his persona on the Hollywood Squares. He died way too young. We are huge Underdog fans here. Still watch old reruns. It's good to be 50 something and be a kid.

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  6. Great Story. I'm wondering if there is a hemmorhoida super hero. he doesn't have many powers and frankly is just a pain in the ass but makes you wonder. New follower I am direct from the pages of Bruce @JADIP.

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  7. @Littlesprite: I may want to reconsider my opinion. Anyone who could decapitate me with the swipe of a hand is too much a BA.
    @Eva: I'm so glad you remembered Little Lulu. I was hoping someone would.
    @Jarhead: I'll give the credit for the character to my son. He said that, since I sneeze at the sun, he would be a logical character. I came up with the name though.
    @OT: My wife bought the three movie boxed CD set last year. I'm not hooked, but an enjoyable way to melt my brains.
    @Barb: I FORGOT about Hollywood Squares! I thought it was all Paul Lynde!
    @Bushman: thanks for stopping by. I plan on writing about my hemorrhoid surgery sometime next month, so how timely?

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  8. Reminds me of those old Supervillains; The Plague, X Pestilence...Sun Sneezer will save us all.

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  9. Never underestimate the power of "boogs in the face" to fight crime!

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  10. In all fairness, Wolverine has been shot in the head.

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  11. Oh...yeah. Forgot about that. OK, he's NOT a dope. Just some tough mutha.

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