Thursday, April 21, 2011

April 21st-Brought To You By the Letter 'U'

The Underwear Wars

  Come, listen, my children, from everywhere
to the epic battles of underwear.
  Commenced first over briefs, called tighty-whiteys,
that were liked by men both weak and mighty.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret
and wonder why she wasn’t pregnant yet.
  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit
of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit.

  Thus cooked, the sperm all had no place to hide.
Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.
  No happy eggs and no mother-to-be
Just a man and his wife and their color TV
(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

  A doctor’s care being her last resort,
she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.
  She told him their loose, casual fit
will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able
to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”
  But, he whined and moaned, “I hate the big hole.
It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief
She then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.
  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks
they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

  Excited over this underwear kind
The wife hustled home, but only to find.
  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare
He grinned.  No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan
that I’m happy to say you’ll understand.
  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando,
No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

(NOTE:  Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando’)


  1. "It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’"

    Still laughing.

  2. Lmao that was hilarious. Come check me out,

  3. @tatty: tomorrow's 'V' blog will also have a comment about our little buddies poking out.
    @Jessica: Thanks! And I did-glad you've now attained freedom from test anxieties.

  4. Hilarious! First time I have ever seen Kramer and Marlon Brando in the same sentence!

  5. What a damn hilarious take on tighty-whiteys.

  6. @Leslie: Just picturing the two of them together (which, actually, is kinda difficult, since Marlon is dead) made me giggle.
    @Eva: Thought I'd give poetry (besides limericks) a try.
    @OT: Have to admit, I still do have a pair floating around. Well, not FLOATING, exactly. Those would be skivvies for ghosts.

  7. Dude. Commando is bad. One words: clackers. (Google it.)

  8. Al, still laughing. Then dbs, didn't have to google it. LOL.

  9. I think Mrs. Commando should have smiled and got Untighty with her womanly bits and had a little fun...and then gone into her coma!
    I mean really - what a waste of some serious commando action waiting there at her doorstep.

    Some women...

    You rocked the Underwear world with this great post.

  10. I googled "clackers." Yeesh. The "boys" have retreated into the safety of my body and refuse to come out.
    TMI Department: I don't go commando. Chafing, zippers, No Pee Barrier (sorry, gross, but some things need be said), and, now, thanks to dbs, clackers. The old man needs some security for his maracas. Plus, I want to forestall "Nuts In a Sock" for as long as I can.
    Mrs. Commando DID come through for the naked ape. But, that version of the story comes in a plain brown wrapper for your privacy.

  11. Hee hee hee. I said "comes." When I make myself laugh, I'm obviously tired. Time to go to bed.

  12. Yeesh is right, I can't get that image out of my head. Not TMI, commando needs to be banned, look what happened to "Paris".

    "Maracas" my word of the day, Al, thanks.

  13. I'm flabbergasted, impressed beyond impressed at your hidden poetry talent. Very fun to read.