Monday, April 18, 2011

April 18th-Brought To You By the Letter 'R'

Reading is Fundamental

  I don't know about you, but I absolutely love to read.  Every night I curl up in bed with a good book.  Unless it's "Relations Month" with Mrs. Penwasser.  She's such a good sport.  Hey, it could be worse.  On second thought, no it couldn't.
  Anyway, I can usually last a good 15 minutes before I start to get drowsy (coincidentally, when reading AND during maritals).  As soon as the words on the page start scattering like my relatives when the check comes, I know I'm done (with reading).  
  Unless I'm reading right before the aforementioned "Monthly Happy Time."  Then, I'm waiting her out.  In fact, I once read the entire Bible waiting for the bedroom light to go off.  At which time I deployed the dreaded "claw."  Did I mention she's a good sport?
  I usually find enjoyment with all sorts of books.  As a rule, though, my favorite genre is non-fiction.

   I've read this work of non-fiction, although I at first thought it was a horror story about an experiment gone bad.  Sorta like an Island of Dr. Moreau thing.  Or Mr. Ed getting drafted.

 This one wasn't bad.  It told of a gentler time before the European invasion.  A time when the solitude of a walk through the forest primeval was disturbed only by the siren call of bands of friendly Mayans.  Who clubbed you in the noggin and spirited you off to their city.  So they could rip the heart from your chest for their chicken god. I hear the sequel, 1492, was a lot like this book.  Only with guns fired by men who didn't bathe.

Even though non-fiction is my favorite, sometimes I run the real risk of falling asleep before it's "time" (you know what I mean). In that case, I like to jazz up my reading with a little historical fiction.  The beauty of these is that they present history in a more reader-friendly format.  Breathing life into characters long since dead, they infuse the story with often gripping narratives. Plus, they usually contain dirty parts.  Although, I sometimes question their actual historical accuracy.  For instance, I don't think Caesar exactly said, "I saw. I conquered. I came."

Whenever I get tired of non-fiction, I'll usually opt for classic works of fiction by the masters: Hawthorne, Melville, Cooper, or Dickens (mostly because his name makes me laugh). Unless it's tales of vampires, ghouls, congressmen, ghosts, or bloodsuckers that I crave.  Then, I turn to something by Stephen King.  The fact that he looks like some of his characters makes it a bonus, too.

Remember that episode of "Seinfeld" when George had to buy a book because he took it into the bathroom?  Then, when he tried to return it, he was told that, since it was "flagged," there was no way he could get rid of it?  Well, this book makes no excuses about where you'll be reading it. Good thing it has a plastic cover.

I'll never admit it, but I need to read SOMEthing in the checkout line. Plus, how else would I have known that Prince William was getting married? Kirstie was fat? Michael was white?  Before Michael was dead? Or that I need to send Britney a get-well card?

   Sometimes, though, there is absolutely nothing to read in the house.  No sense trying the newspaper.  That crap is downright depressing.  Oh, by the way, sidebar your honor?  Why do we get a receipt when we buy a newspaper?  Is that so we can get our money back if we don't like the news?  "Excuse me, that whole Libya thing isn't what I expected.  Can I have my fifty cents back?"
  Carrying on, I remember panicking last week when I'd read all the available books in my house, I didn't have rubber gloves for the Bathroom Reader, we weren't going to the supermarket, and I had already read all the care labels in my underwear.
  Then, I remembered the cereal...

Yep, I guess you could say that I'M the type of person who reads INSIDE a cereal box.

   Oops.  I think I just heard the bedroom light snap off.


  1. R = Reading. But why are reading, writing, and arithmetic called the three Rs?! I mean...I realize they each have an R in them, but isn't that a tad confusing for our little kiddies just learning to spell? And isn't that the whole point of the list - about educating our children?! Jeez Louise!

  2. Dropping in from the AtoZ Challenge. You should get a Kindle, then you'd ALWAYS have something to read!

  3. If you do get a Kindle like Sheila suggested, make sure you don't drop it in the toilet!
    The last non-fiction book I read was My Life Up to Now (I think that's right) by William Shatner. It was hilarious!

  4. I also read trash magazines on the throne. Nothing helps pass the moment like seeing how much of a fuck up Britney Spears really is.

  5. You posted this at 3 AM????? I was dead to the world at 3 AM!

  6. That was awesomely funny. Seifeld episode was too. Love that the wife is so giving too!

  7. I see we frequent the same 'checkout' library - good for staving off total boredom while waiting for the quick checkout lane to move along.

    Cheers, Jenny

    Drop by my site - I've left you a brew!

  8. @Jenny: thanks, I'll drink to that. Then, I'll have another one. Thennn, one another. another, Then one. One another Then. smother maybe Then one? I..uh...whut? Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
    @Barb: Except for her hideous taste in men, my wife is a peach.
    @Leslie: I was roaming the house, writing a blog, emptying the dishwasher, waking the dog (NOT a euphemism), rearranging my sock drawer, testing whether the refrigerator light really DOES go out when you close the door, taping my daughter's snores for future blackmail purposes, checking to see if there were any "Girls Gone Wild" infomercials, know, the usual stuff.
    @OT: My doctor told me that excessive "dwell time" on the throne can lead to serious medical problems (i.e., my butt falling out of my body). So, I limit my time only to quick in and outs (golly, that sounds dirty).
    @Eva: Or..perhaps...a...bit...slow? Bones? Spock?
    @Sheila: I'm afraid that, if I drop the electronic Kindle in the bowl, I may electrocute my hiney.
    @Kara: Reading, Riting, and Rithmatic. Which begs the question...aren't these people illiterate?
    @Giggle: Thanks!

  9. I'm laughing so hard, I might have to go flag one of husbands books!

  10. Just don't read a big book while straining. Your butt may fall out and then you'll have an avocado poking out from between your cheeks saying, "Hello? Is this the way out?"

  11. R U Recommending any of them?

    Funny, funny, funny.

  12. Actually.....
    Horse Soldiers: Mr. Ed goes AWOL. To be a stage star. In Tijuana.
    Caesar's Women: There really ARE dirty parts. And beheadings.
    Stephen King: Bad guys die. But, then again, so do a lot of other people. So, it's kind of a wash.
    Bathroom Companion: Find out the history of the spork.
    1491: I laughed, I cried. Much better than 'Cats' (I really don't know what that means).
    People: People. Who need People. Are the luckiest...people. In the world.
    Rice Krispies: I prefer Raisin Bran, but the box was almost empty.

  13. omg, al, an avocado between the cheeks? gag!
    you were cracking me up with the monthly relations. i guess if you only get it once a month, it's worth waiting up for!

  14. Seeee, that's why guacamole tastes like it does (can you tell I'm not a fan?).