Sunday, March 20, 2011

Hecho En Vietnam

  NOTE: The following has very little to do with Vietnam.  In fact, I know very little about Vietnam, apart from where it is and that a fat Marlon Brando once waddled around its jungles muttering, “The horror, the horror.”  I did coach a soccer team with a man from Vietnam once, though.  He was a real nice guy who had some mad soccer skills, even though I had a lot of trouble understanding him (although, to be fair, if I tried to order lunch in Ho Chi Minh City, I’d probably get a rectal exam.  Unless that’s part of their culture.  Who am I to judge?).  Anyway...

  As you’ve no doubt surmised (snooty word for “figgered out”), I often look at things in a, shall we say, wiseguy kind of way.
If I see something which strikes me as funny, I’m going to point it out or even correct what I think was a slip of the tongue, grammatically speaking (medically speaking is a whole ‘nother ball of wax).
  That being the case, though, I have cut down on calling out the verbal and spelling gaffes of others, even though I thought I was being cute by doing so.  I came to the conclusion that I was being somewhat of a douche.
  However, I’m still looking.  So, if you throw me a softball that I just can’t help put over the fence in a double-entendre manner (metaphors were “Two For a Dollar” at Wal-Mart yesterday), I probably won’t be able to help myself.  It’s a sickness.
  Two examples of things I found funny were the presence of urea in my heel balm (good news! I won’t get into that topic again. I don’t want the ASPCA to come knocking at my door for beating a dead horse) and that sign which proclaimed surprise when the sun blew up.
NOTE: NOT the author
  So it was this morning with my underwear (no, NOT by what was in it.  Although...).  As I was getting ready to start the day, I read the care label on my skivvies (boxer briefs, in case you’re curious).
  I saw that they were “Hecho En Vietnam.” (Al’s Language Tip: This means, “Made in Vietnam” for those who took “History of Flan” in high school instead of language or who are too cheap to buy Rosetta Stone lessons).
  This was all well and good.  But, is underwear-making such a complicated science that it needs to be shipped overseas?  Or is it so damn simple that the Vietnamese can handle it?  It’s obviously a money thing, but, for cryin’ out loud, it’s only a cloth pouch for the boys, not sex robots.
  As I looked at it further (not 'it' you dirty-minded pervs. I was still busy, if you know what I mean), I saw that, under the English writing, were washing and care instructions in Spanish.
  Why not Vietnamese?  Or do the Vietnamese not wear underwear?  Or, as I suspect, are the Vietnamese so smart they don’t need to be told how to wash their frikkin’ drawers?  I don’t know, maybe a combination of the two.  It is refreshing to sometimes “be free,” after all.
  Finally, I noticed the following (in English and Spanish):  “Cool iron if needed.”
  Excuse me, who the hell irons their underwear!!??
  I didn’t even press my tightey-whiteys in Navy boot camp. 
  On further deliberation, I guess maybe you’d want starchy drawers if you were visiting Michael Jackson’s gravesite (oooh, sorry.  Too soon?) or the Archdiocese of Philadelphia (oooh, sorry.  That was like my first wife’s cooking: tasteless).
  So, maybe I oughta plug my iron in because there’s no sense in  having wrinkles in my “gotchies.”
  But, first, I think I’ll give that guy from the soccer team a call.  Maybe he can give me some advice. 


  1. An old friend of mine married a man who ironed his underwear and the sheets. His home was prettier than Martha Stewarts. She was his arm candy. Everything had to be perfect. Rumor had it he was gay and tried to hide it. 2 years later....DIVORCE!

  2. What would be the point of ironing one's underwear? Nothing down there isn't wrinkled. Am I right?

  3. If the underwear has a bulge like that, ironing could really be painful. Right? Is that a Vietnamese model? (Perhaps I'm seeking a man in the wrong part of the world.)

  4. @Eva: and funny lookin'!
    @Oilfield: Thanks. I'm amazed at how many commonplace things strike me as funny.
    @Barb: People really DO iron their underwear!!??
    @dbs: I'm afraid to look at what's wrinkled down there.
    @Robyn: Anything I would say would probably sound gay (hey, that rhymes!).


  6. I can honestly say I have never analyzed the care tags in my underwear! I don't iron anything, underwear included. That's what the "fluff" cycle on the dryer is for!

  7. It's probably more like the fact that they aren't wearing the crap they are sending us. Now why did you have to burst my bubble about that picture not being you? I was so excited to get the potty guy out my head. Sometimes you keep it too real.

  8. @PAMO: Thanks!
    @Leslie: It's amazing what you'll seek to read when you're...uh...well, you know.
    @Krissy: Yeah, I was totally bummed out. When I bought that underwear, I though I would fill them out like the picture on the front. Bummer.

  9. And muscle shirts are the same way! What a gyp!

  10. What! You don't iron your underwear? You, sir, are a crass sloth! I would never be caught in public walking around in unironed underwear.

    Tossing It Out

  11. Starched knickers. Probably not the best way to keep a stiff upper lip.

  12. It looks like everyone's focused on the underwear. I quickly averted my eyes (only because he is male, I think - or it could be the jealousy factor). No matter. I'm still hung up on the urea in your heel balm. Since I don't know what urea is (and definitely don't feel like looking) my imagination has gotten the better of me. I am glad it is good news though, for your sake. And I'm not hecho-ing that up.

  13. Hi, Dan. If you're bored and want some great comedy, follow SherilnR @ Laughin My Abs Off or Oilfield Trash @ Make Daddy a Sammich (except Oilfield is serious today). But, if you do want to learn more about putting urine on your feet by way of Heel Balm, visit my Modern Medicine on February 13th.
    Thanks for looking (and averting your eyes on the underwear model).

  14. i just saw that i got a lil shout-out in the comment secion here. thanks for that!
    i too have wondered about the ironing optional tag in my undies. they even put that on really, really little undies (not that i wear them anymore) that would be much smaller than an iron. maybe you could use a curling iron for those.

  15. No, no, Sherilin. The curling iron would be mind.

  16. that sounds like burn city to me! owie zowie!