Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Before I Die

    Lately I’ve been thinking about death.  I don’t know why.  Maybe it's because of a relapse of my recent "foot leprosy."  Or maybe it’s because Steven Tyler is a judge on American Idol.  Or I’m worried sick about Lindsey.
    Winter always does that to me.  I don’t know whether it’s because of trees denuded (a perfectly acceptable clean word) of leaves or the end of a football season that leaves us only with televised bowling.  Or maybe it’s because I know that the dozens of “dogsicles” in my yard will eventually need to be picked up when they thaw.  All I know is that I’m much more prone to melancholy when the snow begins to fall and the neighbor’s Christmas lights are still up (and on!) as we approach St. Patrick’s Day.
    As I gaze upon a landscape barren of life (except for the Boxer from down the street who’s trying to get busy with the neighbor dog.  Or the neighbor.  I won’t judge), I regret the passing of another year.  I pine (or any tree of your choosing) for opportunities missed and yearn for the return of warmer weather.
    With a genuine pang of sadness, I realize that many of my own life’s goals have gone unfulfilled.
    (LEGAL DISCLAIMER:  Even though it is, I won’t refer to it as a “Bucket List.” That would be a heinous infringement on an intellectual property.  Which may get me sued.  And get Jack Nicholson royally hacked off at me.).
    So it’s not.
    As an added bonus, I also identified what needs to be done immediately after I shuffle off this mortal coil to sleep the eternal sleep and dance the eternal lambaada.  More succinct than my “To Do” list, it goes something like:
1.  Cremate.
2.  Toss into Atlantic.
3.  Cash insurance policy.
4.  Throw big bash.
5.  Lather, rinse, repeat.
    Not terribly involved, I know.  It’s just that I don’t want my wife haggling with some smarmy funeral director who’ll insist my eternal slumber requires a mahogany inlaid internment vault, Surround-Sound music, satin body shroud, undercoating, rustproofing, a hypoallergenic decomposition system, and a memorial service which would make King Tut look like a homeless person.
    Pshaw.  As long as you don’t pass my cold carcass around like a party favor at San Quentin, just follow the list and get on with life.
    My personal goals, on the other hand, are more detailed. 
    To wit,
1.  Rip “Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law” tags from pillows.
2.  Wear my Wal-Mart vest in K-Mart.
3.  Play second base for the Yankees. 
4.  Place an “IOU” in the church collection plate.
5.  Walk around my backyard with no pants on and yell at the squirrels (oh, wait, done that).
6.  Put pennies in the “No Pennies Please” basket at the tollbooth.
7.  Tip a dancer at a strip bar.  Ask for change.
8.  Have it my way.  Order a Big Mac at Burger King.
9.  Solve one of life’s most baffling puzzles:  Is cottage cheese really cheese?
10.  Finish a game of Monopoly.
11.  Find out what in hell 2001: A Space Odyssey is all about.
12.  Go sky-diving.  In my mind.
13.  Stand naked in the mall food court and shout, “Hey!  Check out THESE Cinnabons!”
14.  Beat my son at “Madden: ‘10.”  Yeah, that’ll happen.  Got a better chance at #3.
15.  Go swimming immediately after eating.
16.  Get Pull My Finger recognized as an Olympic sport.
17.  Create new food pyramid based on Doritos, Lite Beer, Twizzlers, and Hot Pockets.
18.  Play “Strip Poker” with someone other than myself.
19.  Convince my wife that I really go to Hooters for the food.
20.  Go to Vegas.  Win big at Rock, Scissors, Paper table.
21.  Walk through the drive-thru at Wendy’s while making “Vroom, vroom” sounds.
22.  Place flaming bag of dog poop on United Nations doorstep.  Ring bell.  Run away.
23.  Charge admission in Public Restrooms.  See how many people pay.
24.  Golf like I bowl, bowl like I golf.
25.  Order head cheese and tongue at the deli without laughing.
26.  Dress as an Amish person on “Casual Fridays” at the office.
27.  Crash a bris.  With Mel Gibson.
Obligatory Charlie Sheen Mention
28.  Dance with wolves, swim with dolphins, run with bulls, dance with Bristol Palin (oh, sorry, that’s redundant).
29.  Smuggle 13 items in the “12 Items Only” line at the supermarket.
30.  Switch Folgers for real coffee.
31.  Switch Sweet N Low for cocaine at Charlie's.
32.  Throw poo at the monkeys in the zoo.
33.  Write to the Vatican Bank.  Ask if Jesus really saves.
34.  Yell “Movie!” in a crowded firehouse.
35.  Run with scissors in a hemophiliac ward.
36.  Switch Tic Tacs for Viagra at the Nursing Home. 
37.  Stay awake after sex and talk with my wi...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
38.  Figure out why I should care about Miley , Snooki, or anyone named Kardashian.
39.  Go fishing at the pet store.
    And, finally...
40.  Live a life in which, forty years hence, I won’t be remembered solely as the “brother who ripped his pants open while trying to do a split at our wedding reception.”
    Oops.  Too late.

Good New: Daylight Savings Time returns this weekend.
Bad News: Dogsicles are looking kinda mushy.           


  1. "Check out THESE cinnabons!" - I love it! Thanks for the laughs.

  2. i like to call the dogscicles "poopsicles". i think it has a nice ring too it & it's actually better to pick them up while they're still frozen. way less disgusting!
    you have a walmart vest? are you a greeter?

  3. I love #17, #20, and #21. And I'm here to tell you that Cottage Cheese is cheese that has already been eaten once and rejected.

  4. Thanks all!
    I actually do have a Wal-Mart vest that a friend made for me when I retired from the Navy. She said I could use it for my next career, which actually didn't turn out to be at Wal-Mart. I still have it though and, if I ever get up the nerve, I'll wear it to my local store and start stocking shelves wrong.
    I should get a picture of it and post it.

  5. We thawed out here about a month ago. I've been picking up dogsicles ever since! That's one heck of a list. Enjoyed every word of it.
    I'm following.

  6. Oh so many things to point out, but #22? Why run? Would they really do anything? And definitely don't waste time on #38! Although I have a feeling you'd be in jail after #13 anyway though I would applaud if I were in that Food Court.

  7. You're right. They'd probably just issue some sanctions or a sternly worded letter.

  8. Lol.Read.LOL.Read.LOL. Thank you.:)
    Please, for my own selfish amusement, wear that vest and stock shelves. Then again, it's the thought that counts, because impersonating a vest wearer might be illegal.

  9. This was a VERY funny and awesome list! I love the yell Movie, and the Cinnabons but I really, REALLY like switching the Tic tacs with Viagra and the old switcheroo on Charlie Sheen

  10. You don't know how much you make me laugh, Al, but it's a lot. And I love you for it. Sorry for making you snort soda out of your nostrils with that last comment.

  11. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this! Great ideas!

  12. Well I'm just glad to hear you got around to the squirrels. That's one opportunity you would never stop birching about if you'd missed it.

  13. As always Al - you do your former Cancerian zodiac sign proud - damn that "new zodiac" invasion for snatching you from us and turning you into one of those "Twin" things!

    You certainly know how to make a girl laugh!

  14. This morning's old joke:
    How do you catch a squirrel?
    Run up a tree and act like a nut.
    OK, gotta go to work......

  15. Cottage cheese is not cheese, nor is it a cottage.

  16. And don't get me started on head cheese.