Friday, February 11, 2011

Old People

As the doctor told my mother as I was being born, "This'll be a short one..."

    Old people are cool.
    They have the best stories, they get to dress however they want, and they could give a rat’s ass how many calories are in that Big Mac.
    Plus, they could probably light up a joint at a traffic light and nobody'd care.
    Don’t get me wrong.  I’m in no particular hurry to join the ranks of those who get winded by...ahem...breaking wind.  The very notion of surrendering parts of my body to medicine (well, those parts which haven't sagged into my shoes) leaves me dreading the golden years.  Plus, I’m not too keen about needing Pepsi to burp.  And having to swallow a little blue pill to ward off erectile dysfunction?  With the possibility of a four-hour boner?  Fuhgeddaboutit!
    It’s unnerving to realize that much more of my life is behind rather than in front of me.  Why, I’m more than halfway through the movie, but it feels like it just started! 
    With a shrug of resignation, I comfort myself with the knowledge that, even though the end is only a few scenes away, I still have a little popcorn left in my bucket.  But, the final credits will soon roll and I already know that it was Colonel Mustard with a lead pipe in the drawing room.
    How's that for an excruciatingly long series of metaphors?
    Bottom line, even though my head is still larger than my prostate, the fact that I even know what the darn thing is should be handwriting on the wall.  Plus, the fact that I need bifocals to even read the handwriting on the wall isn’t helping matters, either.
    NOT FOR NOTHIN' MOMENT: Speaking of bifocals, they're designed to make everything look bigger.  This has been a boon in the Mens' Room.  If you know what I mean. 
    Still, part of me looks forward to a peaceful slide into old age.  Granted, it’ll lack the pizzazz of my young adulthood, but there are worse things in life.  Like a rectal exam from Edward Scissorhands.
    But, it'll be way cool that I can take naps whenever I want and can wear stretch pants wherever I want.
    Yessir, youth may be wasted on the young, but there’s no moss growing on Grandpa, either.
    It just smells that way.


  1. I comfort myself with the knowledge that, even though the end is only a few scenes away, I still have a little popcorn left in my bucket

    Have you perhaps accidently stumbled on the secret of eternal life? Just keep a few kernels in your bucket and make sure it doesn’t get kicked….

    P.S. Top Tip for maintaining old people, keep them in a cold place, they won’t smell so bad plus it’s good practice for when they make it to the morgue….Harsh but fair

  2. You made me laugh!
    I'm a huge Scissorhand fan (from back in the dark ages) so I got the visual! Too funny.

    I'm at the top of the slippery slope myself, but hanging on for dear life to that one last branch left on the olive tree.

    Big lesson so far - don't sweat the small stuff and if I can't see it without the "readers" it doesn't exist.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  3. Maybe I should work for Hallmark...?

  4. old is only a state of mind...and a anything over 80...

    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

  5. Such doom and gloom...not all older ones disintegrate after their 60th year, lol.