Sunday, February 13, 2011

Modern Medicine

    I realize that age is a relative thing. But, since I'm the oldest of all my relatives (the ones still alive, that is), it does have an impact on my view on life (which, in addition to being a family board game, is also a snappy breakfast cereal.  And defunct picture magazine).

   Anyway, like Joan Rivers, I think my body is slowly starting to dry up.  I first noticed this phenomenon as it manifested itself on my heels (come to think of it, is 'manifest' even a medical term? Like 'piles'?).   As they lose their precious moisture, they start to crack, thus causing me pain (golly, I bet I'm painting quite an attractive picture for you, huh?).  Since I'm pretty attached to walking, this pain can be a bit...uh...painful.

  To alleviate this discomfort, I've come to rubbing them with something called "Heel Balm," a noxious cream which has the consistency of wood putty.  And is as about as hard to get off my hands as Lindsey at last call.
   It actually kind of works.  My heels feel as silky smooth as a baby's bottom.  If a baby's rear end was attached to the bottom of a 52 year-old man, that is.

   Impressed at the results, I turned the tube over to examine what its ingredients were.  Among a drugstore-size list of chemicals, I noticed that it contained "Urea."

    Even though I had a pretty good idea what "urea" is I looked it up in the dictionary.  Yep, I was right.
Urea: n.  1. A white crystalline or powdery compound found in mammalian urine.

  In essence, I've been rubbing PEE on my feet!  Without wearing gloves!  How positively medieval.  Good thing my feet are the farthest thing on my body away from my nose.

    Once I got over my initial disgust, though, I felt a little better.  Especially after I consulted the entrails of an owl.


  1. We guys need to blog about this sort of thing more: warts, ear-hair, etc. Why?! This post totally speaks to me. Well, not so much the urea part, but anyhoo (owl reference, get it?)...YOUR FEET! It's like one day I woke up with hobbit's feet too. Dude. That pic says it all. And as for urea, at least you don't have to piss on your own feet.

  2. This was awesome. Well except for peeing on your own feet.

  3. i had to come over & look because, to be honest, the picture, in my dashboard, didn't look even a little bit like feet. from any angle. it looked like dried out old cow teets. or perhaps some grossly droopy nads. i'm not sure why that made me need a closer look, but hey, whatever brings the traffic in, right?
    i have problem feet too. i've bought about every product i've ever found for dry, cracked feet that wasn't excessively priced. none seem to work well except arbonne & that ones's steep. maybe i should go with the pee cream. it'll add to my allure.

  4. I remember hearing a comedian speaking once about what happens when men go bald (even though I could, I won't claim the story as my own). The reason we go bald is that the head gets all hard which makes it impossible for hair to break through. Seeking an easier access, hair then escapes through our noses and ears.
    On the bright side, it's not like I'm rubbing poop on my feet. At least, I don't think so. I'm gonna have a look at that list of ingredients again.

  5. Wow, now that I take a second look, they DO look like teat feet. How udderly unsettling. At first I was thinking nads, too, but how to explain the gap?

  6. i couldn't explain the gap either. that's why i had to take a closer look.

  7. The Gap. It's a clothing store. But that isn't important right now.

  8. You could probably save money and the hand contact by simply peeing on your feet in the shower.

  9. Done!
    As George Costanza would say, "It's all pipes!"

  10. Oh my, this is too funny. I'm wondering if I've ever used urea without realizing it. I don't tend to read labels as meticulously as you do - or at all. I'm glad your feet feel better, though.