Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Flies


    ****Creative Disclaimer:  The following is not my own work, unless you think it’s hilarious.  In that case, I will go to my grave swearing that I am its rightful author.  By the way, it's kinda sexist.  But, in a playful. lighthearted kind of way.  Bitch.****

    Frustrated at her many unsuccessful attempts to protect the potato salad from the dive-bomb antics of five houseflies, the frazzled wife finally admitted defeat.  She called to her husband, who was currently yelling at the television in the living room.
    “Honey,” she called (NOTE:  My wife NEVER calls me ‘Honey.'  That is why this is called 'fiction.'), “I’ve been trying to get rid of these flies forever, but I just can’t.  Can you help me out?”
    Reluctantly giving up his verbal assault on referees who are blowing the game just to piss him off, the husband rolled up a section of the newspaper, pumped up his chest, and strode into the kitchen.
    “Never fear, milady,” he declared, “I shall wipe these winged scourges from the face of the earth, forsooth!”  (NOTE:  Also, I NEVER talk this way.  Methinks.)
     Assuring her that all would be right in the world, he gently ushered her into the living room where she could relax and watch the game while he engaged the little pests in a death match.
    She immediately switched to the 'Lifetime' channel.
    Several minutes followed, punctuated by various crashes and bangs.  Finally, the man of the house emerged from the kitchen and sat down on his easy chair, a smug look of satisfaction on his face.
    “Well,” he pronounced, “I got rid of ‘em.  Three males and two females.”
    Impressed, the wife asked, “That’s great.  Thank you!  But, how in the world were you able to figure out which were male and which were female?”
    He tossed the paper down on the coffee table.  “Oh, that was easy,” he said, “the boys were on a can of beer and the girls were on the phone!”
    BA DUM...BUM.
   

6 comments:

  1. Cute, but I don't think you need to claim this one. Methinks you can do better.
    xoRobyn

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  2. Excellent!

    If not yours than who's? None the less it was funny!

    Jenny

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  3. @Oilfield and Jenny: thanks a bunch!
    @Robyn: thanks, to you, as well. I know my comedy is much funnier ;-)

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  4. Someone told me this joke yesterday. I think you might appreciate it. In the beginning marriage is all hearts and diamonds but after a few years it's just "gimme a club and a spade."

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