Happily, it was the giving of thanks which has endured throughout peace, war, and endless reality TV shows. No doubt Governor Bradford himself began a tradition which survives to this day: putting relatives on the spot to state what they’re thankful for or else they wouldn’t be allowed to eat food they wouldn’t normally eat any other time of year (think ‘eels’).
In homes across the nation, this scene will be played out anew (during halftime, of course). In the true spirit of the holiday, millions of family members will likewise be grilled or have their pumpkin pie withheld.
This year, though, in a break from tradition, I plan on regaling my family with a list of things I’d be thankful for if they actually happened.
1. That Jared guy from Subway ate so many Hot Teriyaki Chicken subs that he ended up looking like one of the Klumpfs.
2. My doctor ordered me to eat at Hooters.
3. My dentist told me flossing was overrated.
4. My wife thought the Three Stooges were hilarious.
5. The French thought Jerry Lewis was not.
6. They would take that creepy Halls’ commercial off the air. You know the one I mean. That college kid and Mom checking each other out while sucking on cough drops just skeeves me.
7. My golf and bowling scores were reversed.
8. Man boobs were considered sexy.
9. Christmas ads didn’t start on Labor Day weekend.
10. Cashiers didn’t insist I “Have a nice day.” That’s pressure I can do without.
11. Once, just once, my order at the drive-thru wasn’t hopelessly screwed up.
12. McDonalds dropped all the coy pretense. Honestly, what kid would prefer carrots over French Fries?
13. Speaking of McDonalds, I’d be thankful if the world was devoid of idiots who needed to be reminded, “Caution: Coffee is hot.”
14. Dancing With the Stars took place on I-95 at rush hour.
15. Congress would forget to set their alarm clocks. For the next 50 years.
17. Kanye West would just shut up.
18. Halloween wasn’t the “Fall Festival”, Christmas wasn’t the “Winter Festival”, Columbus Day wasn’t the “European Pillage and Rape Festival”, and Hanukkah wasn’t the “Festival of Lights.” Oh...wait a minute...keep that one.
19. Hannikoh...Chonikuh...Harmonica. I just wish it was easier to spell. And, pronouncing it didn’t sound like you had a cold.
20. Cranberry Sauce was ALWAYS sold in cans with those neat little rings. I never trusted the looks of the fresh stuff.
21. They used exploding footballs at Thanksgiving Day games.
22. Those damn squirrels weren’t plotting against me.
23. “All Oprah, All Day!” ‘Nuff said.
24. Erectile dysfunction was only seen at construction sites.
25. Donald Duck would just put on a pair of pants. And, while we’re at it, Mr. Peanut could use a set of britches, too.
26. Television would just be honest and change the name of the “Food Network” to the “RWFE Channel” (for “Rich White Folks Eating”). C’mon, does ANYONE out there have anything in common with those people?
27. Drinking beer and eating Doritos while watching football was an Olympic sport.
28. If we could stop all those Viagra and Cialis commercials. Ok, ok, I know, I officially qualify for membership in AARP, but that doesn’t mean I want to see codgers leering at each other. Speaking of Cialis, I find it funny that the man and woman are in separate bath tubs. Kinda defeats the purpose, if you ask me.
29. Size didn’t matter because I just can’t get a job in the NBA. Oh, you thought I meant something else?
30. Being politically correct consisted only of knowing: Elephant-Republican, Donkey-Democrat, Jackass-Al Franken.
‘Course, that’s just me. Ya gonna eat that drumstick?