Monday, September 1, 2014

Now On Sale at Walmart

Which, I think, is kinda appropriate.

But, seriously, I think I could do this on my own.
And wouldn't need to spend $7.96 to do it.

It smells much better, though.  
That has to count for something.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Time Flies


NOTE:  No lenses in the glasses.
And I'm not wearing pants.
  Thirty-eight years ago today, I boarded a train in New Haven, Connecticut, bound for Navy boot camp at Great Lakes, Illinois.  My intention was to see the world for four years, get a tattoo, and then return home to be a teacher.  

  Wouldn't you know it?  I didn't do any of those.  Four became twenty-seven, I passed out while waiting to get a tattoo, and I never became a teacher.

Naval Air Station Memphis
I use this picture to scare children at Halloween.

So young, so innocent.
So gonna get drunk off his ass the next time the ship pulls into port.
Wherein I adopt the "Cheesy 70s Porn Star Stash."

NOTE:  Pit stain.
Cut me some slack.  It was frikkin' hot that day.
And I sweat like a pig.


Naval Air Station Sigonella, Sicily
The reason I'm squinting is that the power went out and we had to take this picture outside.
But, you can't see any pit stains.

My hat was too small.
This explains the "deer  in a headlight look."

Why, yes.  I did get a free bowl of soup with that haircut.

Yes, my pants were a little snug.  Thanks for noticing.
But, I....

got my nose creased by a grease pan, fell asleep on the beach at Copacabana, woke up in a pillowcase, ended up on the wrong train out of Rome, saw two Popes, understood neither, stiffed an Egyptian boat boy, spent three hours talking to a Greek man even though he didn't speak English and I didn't speak Greek, got my head handed to me by a Seabee, slept under a pinball machine during a brawl, almost urinated in a Saudi foot bath, bought an Iranian rug (oops, forget I said that), rolled my car in North Carolina, got married, got divorced, got married again, floated in the Dead Sea, peed in the Indian Ocean, stepped across the Arctic Circle with my family, tied my shoe at Masada, ate Octopus Soup in Yugoslavia, woke up with Oreo cookie crumbs in my chest hairs, trolled for rich people at a Cannes marina, tracked Soviet submarines 1,000 feet above the Strait of Gibraltar at night, threw a penny in the Trevi Fountain, skinnydipped in a mobile home park's pool, played golf in Iceland, tied the sandal of St. Peter's statue at the Vatican,  threw up ten yards from the main gate at the Navy base in Crete, did the "nasty" while underway (Mrs. Penwasser was onboard for Family Day...hubba...hubba), ate whale in Norway, spit off the Eiffel Tower, spit off the Leaning Tower of Pisa, spit off the Colosseum, spit off a carrier's flight deck,  told to "knock that silly shit off," saw a belly dance in Cairo, saw a belly dance in an Emirati desert, went four wheeling in the same desert, got drunk in an Islamic country, flew missions in the Red Sea during Desert Shield, witnessed the birth of my son, witnessed the birth of my daughter, allegedly present during both conceptions,  shocked that those Russian hookers weren't "into me," saw the Mona Lisa, wondered what the big deal was, ran over an iguana in Puerto Rico, landed on an aircraft carrier, and retired with an almost endless collection of memories.

Still no pants.
Yeah, I'd say that was worth not getting a tattoo.

"Hey, why no Tattoo!?
That seems pretty fuc...ohhhhh, I'm dead.
Well, that makes sense."

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Captain Caption XLVI

"HOOWEE, well lookie here!  I got a text from that hottie at Red Robin!!  Shoot, what am I gonna do with Cankles here?  Mebbe I can talk them fellers from PETA to push her in."

Monday, August 25, 2014

Away a Few Days


  I've been gone a few days and am trying to catch up.  Mrs. Penwasser and I went to Virginia Beach for a long weekend (which proved to be a lonnnnnngggggg weekend for our relatives).    
  So, give me a couple days and I'll be all caught up.

While we didn't actually stay AT the Resort Area, we could see it.
I think.
Hey, the parking was cheap, anyway.
Like our president, I took in a little golf, too.
No wonder the greens fees were so cheap.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Captain Caption XLV

Budweiser-Official Beer of Inner City Riots Since 1867

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

And Now For Something Completely Different

Yesterday was a bit of a downer.
Hope this makes up for it.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Well, It's Better Than Swallowing Cinnamon

Okay, a bit of a downer.  But, it's Monday...

    Israel continues its battles in Gaza, the World Health Organization says deaths due to Ebola have reached 1,145, the terrorist group ISIS systematically beheads children in Iraq, pro-Russian rebels shoot down a fighter jet near Luhansk, Boko Haram abducts dozens of boys in northeast Nigeria, North Korea threatens a merciless pre-emptive strike on U.S. and South Korea war games,  the streets of France swarm with violent pro-Hamas protesters, Saudi woman sentenced to 50 lashes for calling "morality police" liars, and so on.

Meanwhile, in the United States....

Hey, just doing our part.
Don't worry, there's plenty of violence in Missouri, though.
And, have you seen the southern border?