Sunday, December 4, 2016

Schoolyard 101

    You may find it a surprise that I was bullied as a child.  This may have had something to do with me having a big mouth (yeah, I
Incredibly, still available on
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know.  Shocking).  For those of you who wasted a few dollars on Shag Carpet Toilet, you may recall a couple of neighborhood terrors named Zowine.  Out of all the characters in a book which is largely a case of fiction, these two were based on actual people and I use their actual names.  

    I figure I'm safe from any potential lawsuit, though.  Those mouth breathers are either dead or in jail.  

    Or killed in jail.  Whatever.  I don't care.

    Yes, those psychological scars are profound and deep.

   NOTE:  Speaking of deep psychological scars, you should check out my girlfriend in It's An Adventure.  She is also based on a real person, but I don't use her real name.  Because I don't want her to know about said psychological scars.

   My point in bringing this up?  I understand what it's like to be a wiseguy and being too slow to escape the consequences of what I thought were clever barbs.

I may have had a small weight problem.
    I also know that if you whine and complain that someone is picking on you, they will continue to pick on you.  And delight in the pain that you acknowledge is causing you.

    So I was amused to read a tweet from President-Elect Orange Julius complaining about the treatment the cast of Saturday Night Live, specifically Alec Baldwin, is causing him.  

    It's not the first time he called the skits mocking him unfunny. Mr. Trump displays what I firmly believe is a thin skin when it comes to ridicule and this is a trait which does not bode well for the future.  Because, I think this childish behavior will only continue.

I'm afraid this kind of nonsense will continue for four years.
Note to the Democratic National Committee:
DAMN YOU for giving us Hillary Clinton!

    Because, does anyone honestly think the writers at Saturday Night Live are going to hold a "Creative Planning Conference" that will go like this?

    "Hey, ya know, the President-Elect is having some serious issues concerning Alec's imitation of him."
    "Wow, I had no idea.  You think we should cut back on those?"
    "How about we just eliminate them altogether?"

    "Yeah, we really should.  No sense hurting anyone's feelings.  What say we do one of those 'Androgynous Pat' bits?"
    "Ummmmmmmmmm....probably not a good idea.  Caitlyn Jenner, transgender and all that."
    "You're probably right.  Maybe bring back Mr. Bill?"
    "Please don't tell me you forgot that Play-Doh anti-defamation suit?"

    "Oops, silly me.  Church lady?"
    "Steve Martin doing King Tut?"

Because she was played by Gilda Radner.
Too soon?
    "Mr. Robinson's neighborhood?"

    "Roseanne Roseannadana?"
    "Dead people."
    "Jews.  And black people."

    "Well, screw it.  Put a live feed from MSNBC on then.  Nobody watches that."

    Of course you'll never see that.  Saturday Night Live is going to continue to make fun of Donald Trump.  The best advice I could give the Orange One is to just shut the frik up about it.

     I bet he doesn't, though.

    He should just realize that SNL is in the business of making fun of people.  Mostly people in the public eye.  To whine about it or complain that they didn't make fun of Slappy and Idiot Joe as much is stupid and childish.

    Maybe they did make fun of Obama a lot.  Maybe they didn't.  I don't know and I don't care.  Jug Ears comes in for a lot of ribbing at Penwasser Place is what I do know.

"Boy, you can say that again."

    Hey, at least Alec Baldwin won't hang him by his underwear from a Stop sign.
    Like the Zowines.

Final observation:  the comedian in me is overjoyed that we have Trump for the next four years.  Even though we lose Biden, we've gained an orange baboon.
"Of course he lost me.
I'm hiding behind this window.  Duh."

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Captain Caption CXXXI

"I hope Barry takes me to Castro's funeral with him!
 I love Cuba Gooding!!"

Saturday, November 26, 2016

And Now? A Little Something About Me

    While perusing Facebook the other day (as opposed to doing something useful.  Like put on pants), I came across one of these little questionnaires we so often see.  Usually, I give things like this a pass because I generally don't want to go through all the trouble of copying, pasting, and then filling them out.  After all, I have better things to do (except for that pants thing).
    Then, I read a comment written by the friend who originally posted it, "Won't someone play along?  This looks like fun."
    Well, far be it from me to ignore a damsel in distress, so I complied.
    I hope she appreciated it.  Especially since some of my answers are legit. 

1. Are you named after someone? Yep, my father and I share the same first name.  He's not living anymore.  Luckily, we don't share that.
2. When is the last time you cried? When I cut my arm off with a spork. Oh, I thought this was 'lied.'
3. Do you like your handwriting? Can't tell. Can't read it.
4. What is your favorite lunch meat? Gorilla.
5. Do you have kids? Yes, 2.  One of each.  Both attractive.  They don't look like me.
6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Sure, especially if I lent me money.  If not, I'd smack the crap out of me.
7. Do you use sarcasm? Me? Never.
8. Do you still have your tonsils? Yes.
9. Would you bungee jump? Absolutely
10. What is your favorite kind of cereal? Nature's Broom: Raisin Bran
11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? No.
12. Do you think you're mentally strong? Hahahahaha...have we met?
13. What is your favorite ice cream? The cold kind.
14. What is the first thing you notice about people? Whether they have a gun.
15. Red or pink? This sounds dirty.
16. What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? Hahahahaha...have we met?
17. What color pants and shoes are you wearing right now? Pants?  Is this a trick question?
18. What was the last thing you ate? Nature's Broom. Guess where I am right now?
19. What are you listening to right now? Tinnitus.
20. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Purple because they taste like grape. Joe Biden says so.
21. Favorite smell? Coffee because it's the second best part of waking up. The best part of waking up? Waking up.
22. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? A telemarketer.
23. Favorite sport to watch? Baseball. I can take a nap in the middle innings and not miss a thing.
24. Hair color? White. This makes me sad.
25. Eye color? Blue. Both.
26. Do you wear contacts? Used to.  Now I wear bifocals.  They make everything look bigger.  That's why I linger at the urinal.
27. Favorite food to eat? As opposed to 'Favorite Food to Make Origami With'? I'm confused.
28. Scary movies or comedy? The State of the Union address. Why not have both?
29. Last movie you watched? The Conjuring 2. Boo.
30. What color shirt are you wearing? Gray. With holes.
31. Summer or Winter? Summer, because I don't have to wear a shirt in the backyard. This causes squirrel stampedes.
32. Hugs or kisses? Hershey makes both, so I'm good with either.
33. What book are you currently reading? The Patriot's History of the United States. Probably a good idea they didn't include a chapter on Trump. That book would be YUGE.
34. Who do you miss right now? Mom. And that guy who wouldn't stand still when I was shooting at him.
35. What is on your mouse pad? A mouse. Really should get a cat.
36. What is the last TV program you watched? CSI: Miami. And they say North Philly is dangerous.
37. What is the best sound? A satisfied sigh from a woman.
I have never heard that. 
38. Rolling Stones or The Beatles? Rolling Stones. At least most of them are still alive. Too soon?
39. What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Persian Gulf. As sucky as it sounds.
40. Do you have a special talent? I can raise one eyebrow. Which, when I actually read it, isn't really much of a talent. Or especially special.
41. Where were you born? Don't remember. I was too young.
42. People you expect to participate? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...aftert this?

Okay, well it's time to go make something to eat.
"Good LORD, Japing, get a move on!!!
Did you read #4????"

Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Thanksgiving Repost (Not Really).

For the past six years, my "Thanksgiving Posts" have started like this...

      Oh, what a day it must have been!  
    The brightly colored leaves swirling madly amongst  the trees, the autumn wind blowing briskly, and the forest animals hustling about in preparation for winter.
    And nobody fighting over the remote.

"Try me."
    This was followed by a list of that which I am thankful for.  Oh no, don't get me wrong. Those still apply.  

    I'd even add, "I'm thankful that even Chris Christie couldn't eat every doughnut in the nation."

   This year, though?  I figured you've had enough.  Although (for those of you who care about this sort of thing), posting the same dreadful thing, year after year, can be pretty easy if you want to get credit for leaving comments.  

    I mean, all you have to do is see a repeat, figure that nothing has changed, leave what you think is a witty bon mot (they usually are) thinking you "got credit." and go on to read something original and entertaining by Pat Hatt.  That dude NEVER repeats anything.  Me?  Hey, Christmas is coming.  There'll be more repeats around here than at the dinner table at a Mexican restaurant.

    So, instead of hitting you with warmed-over leftovers (that comes Friday), I wanted to let you all know one of the things that I am very grateful for.

    Or should that be, ""One of the things for which I am most grateful"?

    NOTE:  I can't even begin to tell you how many bloody times I've used this tired, old line.

"And yet ye never larn, do ye now, boyo?
Knuckles, if you please, mister."

    In all honesty, and at the risk of sounding sappy and overly sentimental, I am grateful that I have some of the finest people in the world visiting Penwasser Place.  For some reason, your lack of mental stability and desire to feel better about yourselves by comparison keeps you coming back here.

    And I'm not even paying you.

    Because of Blogger, I feel that I have friends from Australia to
"Hey, have you been bogarting
the Wi-Fi to read Penwasser Place?"
"Death to America!"
"Clearly, but I need the computer
to call up some cat videos on 'You Tube'."
the United Kingdom.  Whether from Canada or Iowa, I feel honored by your presence.  Although, I gotta wonder who the heck in Russia and Iran is visiting.


"Not even a fruitcake?"
"No, Joe."
"I'll spit on it."
    Although you can sure that I'm not on the White House Christmas card list.  Incidentally, I'm also positive that won't change after January 20th.

    So, instead of mentioning you all by name (mostly because I'm sure I'd forget a couple by accident), thank you all for blundering into this asylum.  

    It's nice to tell perfect strangers, "Hey! I so do have friends!  Whom I've never met in person.  But, still!


    Before I go (hey, you had your chance), I'd also like to express my sincere thanks that there are people like Robyn Alana Engel, she of the Life By Chocolate blog, out there.  Even though we are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, I consider her one of the finest, most decent people that I know.  She is always respectful and possesses a keen wit and sharp intellect.  We should all emulate her humanity and downright decency.  

    Especially in the years to com.

    Because, you know...

"Because, can I be frank, I won, which is really something, although I'm going to need to spend half my time in New York even though they hate me but I love all the city lights and hustle and bustle and the fact that the vomit is frozen this time of year so you can't smell it even though, to be honest, I'm on the thousandth floor and couldn't smell it anyway or even see the hobos who are some of the most beautiful folks on the face of the Earth not the Middle East part of the Earth or anywhere frankly where I don't happen to be but that's fine, that's fine, because jobs...not Steve Jobs...wait, is he dead or is that Gates...anyway it's all fantastic you wait, except for Saturday Night Live or all those colored people on the cast of Hamilton...who was really a white guy who is also dead...well he'd be dead anyway but he got killed by some other guy named Aaron Burr who I think was part Mexican .  CHINA!"


    Seriously, you had your chance.

    Even though I promised no repeats, I have to at least repeat one of my favorite pictures and (if I may pat myself on the back) favorite captions.
"Really. Runs With Scissors, eel pie?
Couldn't bring a French Bean casserole like a normal person, could you?"

If I hadn't said it by now (I haven't)...


Like Canadian Thanksgiving.
But, with a four day weekend.  And football.

"And no horning in on my day."

Monday, November 21, 2016

Captain Caption CXXX

"Just got back from overseas and, whaddya know,
Aleppo is in Jordan.
By the way, how'd that whole election thing turn out?"

Monday, November 14, 2016

Captain Caption CXXIX

"I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten.
If, when I open them, my hair isn't back, some joker is going to regret the day he was born!"

Friday, November 11, 2016

USS America: A Tribute

(or Remembrance Day or Armistice Day to others of you)

Okay, this may be a tad jingoistic, but the time I served aboard America were three of my proudest.