Thursday, October 1, 2015

Captain Caption LXX

"Come with me to the UN, he said.
I'll let you sit in the front row, he said.
Well, bullshit!
The jug-eared doofus just stuck me in the back row
 between a couple of chicks, one of whom I think used
 to be a dude.
I bet we don't go for ice cream later, either.
This sucks."

Monday, September 28, 2015

When Facebook and Blogger Collide


    I don't usually "cross-pollinate" my Facebook and Blogger lives.

NOTE:  Yeah, that's a frikkin' lie.  I'll do anything for a laugh.

NOTE:  I hope you've already seen this once or twice.
I mean, it's right on top.
New people?  You don't have an excuse.
    But, sometimes, I see things on Facebook....

"And I see dead people."
...which make me laugh and, so, want to share.

NOTE:  Especially when I got nothing else to write about.

    Anyway, I saw the GIF above (no, not the toilet picture) on Rodney Lacroix's Facebook account.  Rodney, as some of you may know, is the author of the Mental Poo blog.  He's also the author of several books.  His most recent work of art ("Hey, Al, I thought you said his name was Rodney?") is Romantic As Hell, a tale of woo, pitching woo, and how doing so in public can get you arrested. 

"Well, that explains all the cop cars!"

    It can be had (unlike that stuck-up cheerleader in high school) by visiting  Just type in Romantic As Hell (which, I think, would be obvious).

NOTE:  Unsolicited book plug.
    He really is a funny guy...

"What?  Like a clown?" I recommend visiting him at that "Poo" place (a lot of you have) or requesting to be one of his followers on Facebook.  He'll probably freak out from so many Friend Requests.

Although, I'd advise him to steer clear of you guys.
    Oh, wait...what was the point of this idiotic post, besides man love...?

"Preach, Mr. P!"

    Oh, that's right, the lizard video.  Anyway, I liked Rodney's video so much I commented on it.  Because I just learned how to screen capture, I've decided to post it here...

    It's kinda small...
The post, Al, the post!
...but, essentially, Kimberly thought my outrageously funny comment about a dinosaur was serious.  Apparently, she thinks I think dinosaurs still exist.  Since I thought that couldn't possibly be the case, I responded with Ahmed the Dead Terrorist.  After some consideration, though, I kinda thought she DID think I was serious.  This brought up a real question in my head....

    How in the world can one of Rodney's followers not have a sense of humor?

    Waiting for a rebuttal....

Friday, September 25, 2015

Captain Caption LXIX

"So, a...stop me if you heard this one...I swear you're gonna laugh your ass off though, Frank.  Anyway, a Jew, a priest, and a mullah walk into a bar with a "clock" and...KABOOM!!  
What?  Nothing?  
Christ, you frikkin' Catholics have no sense of humor."

FULL DISCLOSURE:  I was an inmate of Our Lady of the Penguin Academy Catholic School for seven years.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Welcome to Fall!

    An equinox is an astronomical event in which the plane of the Earth's equator passes the center of the Sun.  Equinoxes occur twice a year.  The 2015 Autumnal Equinox will happen at 0421 on September 23rd.  The equinoxes are the only times when...OH, GOOD EFFIN' GRIEF!!!!!!

    Okay, what this all means is that an equinox results in the same amount of daylight as darkness.  The big difference now is that, in the Northern Hemisphere, the hours of darkness will eventually increase while daylight will diminish.  This will continue until December's Winter Solstice when the Earth will have had just about enough of all "this GD darkness" and will begin to increase the amount of daylight.

   Seriously, this is about as much as I want to explain it.

    In essence....
September 23
September 23

    I can just hear you remarking, "Well, that doesn't make any sense, Al."'s because it's frikkin' dark that's why!!

    So, let's just simulate the effect of the changing of the seasons, shall we?
September 23

September 23

    Okay, I think you get the picture.  Bottom line, though, gone are the carefree, balmy days of summer.  Soon enough, the harsh winds of winter will blow.  And that will blow.
"Betcher ass."
    On the other hand, we won't have to worry about this for a while.
Governor Christie at the Jersey Shore
    Meanwhile, in Australia...

"Crikey, time for me to head to the beach because I...HEY!
Why don't you take a picture??  It'll last longer, mate!"

Dress warmly, my friends.
Before you know it, there'll be a nip in the air.
"What do you think he meant by that crack??"

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Captain Caption LXVIII

Seen at a gas station on Virginia's Eastern Shore.....

Now that's what I call Southern hospitality!

Monday, September 14, 2015

What I've Been Up To

    As those of you who are regular tenants at Penwasser Place (incidentally, mental health screenings aren't terribly expensive) know, I spent the bulk of August sitting around on my fat ass drinking beer editing my next book, It's An Adventure.

    For those who care (once again, may I bring up mental health screening?), I completed the first edit of part two of the opus to myself.  I'm now in the middle of my second.  I more than likely will do a third edit in the hopes that, if I polish that turd enough times, it will wind up a diamond.  New this time around will be page numbers (unlike It's Not Just a Job...wasn't that a pain in the crack?) and inclusion of photographs documenting my life aboard USS America.  That is, if I can figure out how to send photos to the good folks at Create Space.
Pictures like this!
Maybe not.
    I'm pretty sure I'm on schedule to have the whole shebang done by November 1st.  This will give you plenty of time to order a copy for those whom you do not like as a Christmas, Hanukkah, Boxing Day, or Kwanzaa gift.  Sorry, I couldn't finish it in time for Canadian Thanksgiving.  I hope you won't hold that against me, eh?

    Anyway, because the millions I had counted on for dizzying sales of Shag Carpet Toilet and It's Not Just a Job never materialized (plus, since I sent a check for a couple grand to that nice Nigerian prince), I've had to find work.  And, since "Sitting Around On My Fat Ass Drinking Beer" isn't a viable career path (as if), it had to be a real "big boy" job.
Why, oh why???
"It's because they suck.
I should know."

    So, what have I been doing to raise a few dollars so that I can continue to crank out literary cow patties with no hope of a financial windfall?  

    I'm a janitor at a local high school.

    But, the word "janitor," has negative connotations for some (not me).  It's a lot like "garbageman," "pizza delivery boy," or "Speaker of the House."

"That's 'Italian Food Transportation Representative.'
NOTE:  I actually was a "Pizza Delivery Boy" for Dominos wayyyyy back in the 80s.  This was before I went back into the Navy.  A little hint, if I may?  NEVER stiff the delivery boy.  You may get "extra cheese" on your next order.  If you know what I mean.

  In view of that little piece of political correctness, I am what they call a "custodian."  Which, I suppose, sounds more dignified.  Whatever.  It's honest work for a decent wage.  That cleans toilets.  Which do not have shag carpet on them.
It's a lot like this.
Incidentally, muppets don't pop out
of that little plastic box on the wall.
It's for feminine hygiene products.
Which is pretty disturbing
since this is in the Boys Room.

    To give me time during the day to sit around on my fat ass but not drink beer because I have to go to work to edit my book, I work 3rd shift from 10:30 pm to 7:00 am (or 2230 to 0700, which you would know if you read my books).  The worst part about it is that I have responsibility for the pool, gym, and locker rooms for said pool and gym.  They're kind of grungy and always get grungy, even if the kids have the day off (like today for Rosh Hashanah).

    It's really not bad, although I have yet to adopt any kind of a regular sleeping/eating routine.  On the other hand, I get to watch The View on a regular basis.  Those ladies are beautiful (except Joy Behar.  She's a bit of a beast), clever, and whacky.  You go, Sister Whoopi!

   It's tough working the "Graveyard Shift," though.  I honestly don't know how vampires do it.  Maybe it's all that blood.
"It's because they suck.  I should know."

Congratulations on a "Penwasser Place Picture Two-Fer"!
Nobody wins anything, though.
"Well, now that sucks!  I should know."

could have gone for a three-fer, you know.
    While I enjoy the relative solitude and sense that I've accomplished something worthwhile (hey, they also serve who mop floors) of my work, I know it won't be forever.  Eventually my days of replacing sanitizer cakes in urinals will come to an end and Mrs. Penwasser will put me in a rest home.  

    Unless I get fired for using the pool at 3 am one morning.

    On the bright side, it can get spooky in the middle of the night.  For example, those CPR dummies in the First Aid classroom kinda creep me out.

Could really do without these.

    Since I brought it up (look back a couple paragraphs), Happy Rosh Hashanah to my Jewish friends!  
    Personally, I think having a new year celebration (which did start at sunset last night, I'll grant you) on a frikkin' Monday seems like a rip-off to me.  I mean, how much trouble can you get into at the beginning of the work week (Robyn, do tell)?
    On the other hand, isn't Yom Kippur in a week or so?  And, isn't that the Jewish Day of Atonement?    
    Maybe you'll have something to be sorry for, after all (Julie, do tell).

"Just one more Mogen David
and I'm putting on the 10 o'clock News."

Saturday, September 12, 2015

The Day After

Naval Air Station
Keflavik, Iceland