Thursday, March 5, 2015

Captain Caption LXII

"What's more, I think having 'last call' at 2 AM is entirely too early.
After all, I...what?
I should use Visine?
Why?"

Monday, March 2, 2015

The 2011 Underwear Wars

  Since I decided to participate in this year's A-Z Challenge, I'm going to spend most of March preparing for it.  My goal is to get as many posts ready on delay so that I may peruse blogs from people far more talented than I.   And, basically, goof off all through April.
  I may have reposted this before.  Or not.  I know for a fact that I've used this picture plenty of times before, though.  This is just a shot of Christian Bale before he got famous.  And Gary Coleman before he got dead.*
  In any case, I plan on reheating old nuggets of trash from prior challenges to get you prepared for the 2015 Challenge (and nausea).  Captain Captions will remain original because, after all, how difficult are they to write, really?
  When this originally posted, the only one of you out there who read it (or at least commented) was Jenny.  So, she can take a pass.  Yeah, like the rest of you are being held against your will.
  Anyway, I hope you enjoy.  And, if you want to visit a blogger with real poetic talent, may I suggest Pat Hatt and the cat?

*This is a lie.  I have no idea who these guys are.  And, frankly, if I saw a group of dudes strolling down a road in their skivvies, I wouldn't want to know who they were.



The Underwear Wars


  Come, listen, my children, from everywhere
to the epic battles of underwear.
  Commenced first over briefs, called tighty-whiteys,
that were liked by men both weak and mighty.

  But, soon, a young woman began to fret
and wonder why she wasn’t pregnant yet.
  For, you see, the problem lay in the fit
of briefs which pulled the sack near where he’d sit.

  Thus cooked, the sperm all had no place to hide.
Victims of body temperature, boiled and died.
  No happy eggs and no mother-to-be
Just a man and his wife and their color TV
(NOTE: Hey, it rhymed.  Sue me.)

  A doctor’s care being her last resort,
she bought him some boxers, just like gym shorts.
  She told him their loose, casual fit
will keep his “boys” far from where he sits.

  With them cooled, his swimmers will be able
to find a place at the “Mommy Table.”
  But, he whined and moaned, “I hate the big hole.
It’s a big inconvenient ‘Whack-A-Mole’.”

  So, to shut up her husband and give her relief
She then thought to buy him some boxer briefs.
  Not quite as snug as the white linen sacks
they gave him the comfort that boxers lacked.

  Excited over this underwear kind
The wife hustled home, but only to find.
  Her man, at the doorway, happily bare
He grinned.  No shirt, no pants, no underwear.

  “Honey,” he said, “I’ve got a great plan
that I’m happy to say you’ll understand.
  “For, just like Kramer or Marlon Brando,
No undies for me.  I’m going commando.”

Epilogue:  In a coma, the wife is not expected to live.  Her living will stipulates that her eggs be harvested for the local in-vitro fertilization clinic.

(NOTE:  Okay, so I’m no Shakespeare.  But, I couldn’t think of anything else that rhymed with ‘commando’)
     

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Captain Caption LXI

"Okay, how many of you think The Grand Budapest Hotel should win the Oscar for Best Picture?
Well...you're wrong!!
Now you just get those bomb vests on!" 

Sunday, February 22, 2015

I'm In


Haiku is a very short form of Japanese poetry typically characterized by three qualities:

  • The essence of haiku is "cutting" (kiru). This is often represented by the juxtaposition of two images or ideas and a kireji ("cutting word") between them, a kind of verbal punctuation mark which signals the moment of separation and colors the manner in which the juxtaposed elements are related.
  • Traditional haiku consist of 17 on (also known as morae), in three phrases of 5, 7 and 5 on respectively.  "On" may be Japanese for syllables.  Who knows?  Not me, that's for sure.  It's all Greek to me.

    After careful consideration and intense scrutiny of the entrails of a very cranky owl, I have decided to participate in the 2015 A-Z Challenge (I can hear the groans worldwide).  
"You're going to examine my what!?
Okay, it's MORE than three!  It's MORE than three!!"
    In the past, I just chose any old topic based on the letter of the day.  This goes a long way to explaining "X-Men."  For the letter 'X.'  (I would think this goes without saying).


    I've also picked a "History" theme in a recent challenge.  Obviously, my topic "du jour" was targeted to the letter "du jour" (French for "of jour"). 
For the letter 'X'
Although 'J' for 'junk' would have worked.

    This year, I have decided to do a "Haiku" for each letter of the alphabet.  I'm almost positive that you picked up on that's why I opened this post with a description of a "haiku" (thanks, Wikipedia!).

  NOTE:  I am confident that you had already gathered this.  Visitors to Penwasser Place are widely known for their high intelligence.  Not so much for their taste, though.

    Nothing high brow for me, no sir.  Don't expect flowery descriptions of a summer day juxtaposed (the third time a version of this word has appeared here.  See if you can find the other two!) against the soft golden rays of a setting sun.  Neither will you read a heartfelt homage to a first love or the bittersweet of a first love lost.

    No, if I can, I'll work in a fart haiku (which I could use for the letter 'F,' come to think of it).


    I think this will be a challenge because, after all, coming up with enough haikus (or should that be 'haiki'?  I should look that up) for each letter of the alphabet (which is 26, if you're outside of the Mississippi Education System) will be a...challenge.  See?  I can't even come up with a synonym for 'challenge.' So, I can see I may be screwed from the outset.


    Of course, this means I'll have to cut back a little on the writing of my next book, It's An Adventure (which is sure to be a smash besteller on the order of The Wit and Wisdom of Joe Biden).  That's okay though because it sucks I'm ahead of where I want to be.
"I forgot to include verbs!
Thank goodness there's lots of pictures!"
    Expect several reposts for the month of March as I prepare for the challenge.  My plan is to have several on delay so that I may peruse (NOTE:  Not the plural for 'Peru') those blogs which are also participating.

    NOTE:  Blogs don't participate.  The people who write blogs do.  Is it any wonder nobody's buying my books?

As a preview:

For the A To Z
I will write funny haikus
Oh, no!  Godzilla!

    Like I said.  Nothing highbrow here.

  And probably not terribly funny.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Captain Caption LX

"Hey, hey, whoa!!  I said a VIRGIN mojito!
Who do you think I am, Boehner?
And what's that guy doing behind me?"

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Okay, I KNOW It's Winter

But....




Florida:  I'll get back to you in about six months, when walking around Jacksonville is like walking around in a gym sock.  I've lived there in July.  I know.

Australia:  Your time's coming, mate.  But, you do have some beautiful women, so you have that at least.

Before you know it...back to the Jersey Shore

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Happy Valentine's Day-Brought to you by Hallmark!

  Today we celebrate a day of love by going to see 50 Shades of Grey giving our significant other tokens of our affection.  But, what are the origins behind this occasion?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  Fifty Shades won't have subtitles!!!!!"
"Seriously, are you really going to need to know what they're saying?"

"Oh, yeah.  Duh."
  Saint Valentine was a Roman priest in the Third Century A.D. (not that politically-correct "C.E." nonsense).  He was widely known as a romantic who officiated at the weddings (presumably not the wedding night, but hey they didn't have the Internet yet) of many local lovers.  I'm quite sure that, in addition to his blessing, he would have given the happy couples Vermont Teddy Bears.  If Vermont had been invented.

  But, supremely hacked off that Valentine was a hero among the people (and that he had a much cooler name), the Emperor Claudius II had Valentine beheaded in 269 A.D.  But, his (Valentine's, not Claudius', who you probably never heard of until now) legend grew until Hallmark got wind of it and started a huge February love-fest to take your mind off the fact that snowdrifts have buried your house.
"Hey, look on the bright side, people will be screwing like rabbits in your name."
NOTE:  The Latin reads-"Told you you should have gotten the emperor a card."
  So, even though Valentine is not nearly as popular as Saint Pauli-Girl, he still gets the chicks' libidos revving.

  But, that may be 50 Shades of Grey
***************
Before I let you go (yeah, as if you can never leave when you want, anyway.  Who am I?  A time-share salesman?), I wanted to tell you one of my favorite jokes.  It will be brief.
Wrong Brief

A college professor was quizzing his students as to the frequency of their sexual relations.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex on a daily basis?" a few hands shot up.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex a couple times a week?" many went up.
NOTE:  Remember, these are college-age kids, not the Penwasser house.

When he asked, "How many of you have sex once a week?" several hands raised in the air.

When he asked, "How about once a month?" the middle-aged commuter students raised their hands.

Deciding to go for broke, he asked, "Okay, how many of you have sex once a year?"

There was this shriek way in the back.  The professor craned his neck and squinted to see who was making the racket.  "Excuse me?" he asked.

A man came rushing down the center aisle to the podium.  "Me!" he exclaimed.  "Me!!"

The professor, nonplussed, said,  "You do know I asked 'once a year' don't you?"

"I do!  I do!" he grinned.

"Then why are you so happy?"

"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT!!!"

BA DUM BUM

Now go out and get some flowers.  Saint Valentine would have wanted it that way.  Well, he would've probably wanted his head more.