Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Captain Caption CVI

Victoria's Secret:
"I usually ignore the 'Dry Clean Only' instructions on my crown"

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Tip of the Hat to Pat and the Cat

Just read It's Rhyme Time sitting all alone
and what a treat it was!
The cat posted many pictures of Bones
or, most likely, his cuz.

In honor and in tribute
I wanted to do the same.
But to post a lot of pictures 
Yeah, that would be most lame.

So then, as not to soil it
I opted to go with one.
Voila! Bones on a toilet!
Hey!  While you're at it...

Friday, August 19, 2016


      I tried out this new App.  

    Although, I think it's kind of worthless. 

All it said was, "Try looking in your hand.  Dumbass."

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Captain Caption CV

Well, that's just great!
Those people talk all through the movie,
goof around on their cell phones,
and put their feet on the back of the seats.
Now, you tell me they even get own escalator, too?

Sunday, August 14, 2016

Oh Such Shameless Commercialism!

   It's Sunday evening, it's still in the 80s outside, and there's really nothing much on television (besides Freestyle Harbor Trout Slalom LIVE from the Rio Olympics!  So, I figured why not take this opportunity to hawk my newest book, Fifty Shades of Penwasser?  A short work (much like myself), it's a collection of 49 retreads and 1 new essay (making FIFTY TOTAL! Yay, common core).

    Only $5.95 (and $1.99 on Kindle), you could spend your money on worthwhile worse things.  So, why not pony up a few bucks, mosey (or amble or even sashay...I won't judge) to amazon.com and order yourself a copy while millions remain unsold.
Just make sure you type in the entire title.
Because, if you just enter 'Fifty Shades,' goodness knows what you'll get.

"Shoot.  I know what you'll get."

Meanwhile, in Australia...

"80 degrees at night?
Cry me a bloody river, mate."

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Today's Olympic Moment

Mr. Hankey
Official Mascot of the 2016 Summer Games

   The team from Detroit cleaned up at the 2016 Summer Games' newest event, Strong Arm Robbery, having secured the gold, silver, and bronze medals. 

Unfortunately, they were mugged by the
squad from Newark at the Awards Ceremony.

    In related news, Team Baltimore is sure to be a heavy favorite in Synchronized Drugstore Arson.
This is despite what's sure to be stiff competion from the youngsters of Ferguson.
Who are also competing in Freestyle Vietnamese Shopowner Assault.
    Finally, the International Olympic Committee has announced a new medal for those swimmers competing in Rio's Harbor.  In addition to complimentary tetanus shots, all winners will receive the new Brown Medals.
"Hey, how come that fish isn't moving?  
And why is it covered in corn?"

Okay, I'll save you the trouble...

Hey, look at it this way, it could be worse.

"These Olympics are disgraceful, that I can tell you.  And whoever thought competing in water was a good idea, anyway?  Frankly, water polo is one of the dumbest ideas ever thought of.  After all, think of all the drowned horses.  Terrible, just terrible.  If I was allowed to run the games, you'd see the most beautiful, tasteful level of competition not seen since I was on Dancing With the Stars.  Wait.  I wasn't on Dancing With the Stars?  I should have been, let me tell you, because, frankly, I'd be the most wonderful dancer you would ever see.  Some people would say I'd be better than any handicapped guy.  Not me, you understand.  But, some people would make the terrible statement that handicapped people can't dance.  And cycling?  Who'd ever think, in today's day of the automobile, that anyone would ever to ride bikes anymore?  Except Dominican pizza delivery boys.  Whom I love, by the way.  Plus stupid people.  I will be keeping my eye on the Mexican pole-vaulting team, though.  They're probably awesome.  Probably awesome.  But, no Muslims, that I can tell you.  They'd probably be good at grenade tossing.  The best.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Captain Caption CIV

"Holy crap!  Well, whaddya know?  They are small!
My hairdo's probably effed up, too."