Saturday, April 30, 2016

'Z' is for 'Zyzzyva'



Zyzzyva:  Any of various tropical American weevils of the genus Zyzzyva (which, I would think, goes without saying), often destructive to plants and nearly impossible to pronounce without giggling.
"Okay, put down the can of Raid, walk away,
and there'll be no trouble.
 'Course, I'll seriously eff up your garden."
    As I contemplated my final entry for the A-Z Challenge which, as luck would have it, coincides with the last letter of the alphabet, I decided to once again consult my American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language.
Very useful reference with a lot of words (who knew?).
It doesn't have the "F" word, though.
I guess they don't wish to be obscene.
No shit.
    You may recall that this is the source I consulted when trying to decide on what my 'A' post should be.  At the time, I thought it would be a kick going with the very first word.

    Which, surprisingly, was not "aardvark."
"Which really sucked.
I so wanted to be a star on Penwasser Place."


"Trust me.
It ain't all it's cracked up to be."
    And so the post for 'Aachen' was born.  I hope you liked my tale of this quaint European town.  If you haven't read it (and really have nothing else better to do), please feel free to go back in time to that day in April which seems like almost a month ago.
Repeat picture from the Aachen post.
NOTE:  Charlemagne not drawn to scale.

NOTE to the NOTE:  Rehashed joke from repeat picture.  Hey, I'm tired.
    Or you can just read this.

    Anyway, in similar fashion, I decided to use the last word in the dictionary to bookend my participation in this year's challenge.

    As I hope you noticed from the above, a "zyzzyva" is, basically, a bug.  But, as I further investigated the word, it's more than that. Apparently, it's also the name for a San Francisco Journal of Arts and Letters which can be found by going to www.zyzzyva.org. 
This was also in Google Images under "zzyzzyva."
?????????????????????????????
    As I further scanned this site, I think I much prefer the bug.
You bet something will happen.
Since it's from San Francisco, I probably shouldn't be surprised.
Then again, it has boobies.
"Well, so do I."

    On second thought, I'd rather have a critter ravage my plants.


Okay, that's a wrap for the 2016 A-Z Challenge.  I need to return to working on my book and walking around the yard with my shirt off.  Let's go have a beer!

Or several.


Welcome, May!

Friday, April 29, 2016

'Y' is for 'Y2K'



    The letter 'Y' presents a challenge when it comes to the
"Hmm, that might be why
it's called a 'challenge.'"
A-Z Challenge.  There really aren't an overabundance of words which begin with that particular letter.  Well, beyond 'yak.' Likewise with the letter 'X.'  Thankfully, I'll always have Xerxes.


    Last year I wrote a 'Yellow Snow' haiku starring our favorite numbskull, Joe Biden.  In 2013 (I took 2014 off), I penned a more "educational" (well, for this place, anyway) post when I described how the practice of all those ribbon magnets on cars originated in Yellow Ribbon.  You can click on the link, if you wish (once again, who really does that?).

    If you don't click on it, here's a hint.  It has to do with....

Tony Orlando
And Dawn
    This time around, I thought of once again going for something educational (like I said, for this place, anyway).  Maybe why the animal "yak" has nothing to do with the technicolor yawn "yack."
As funny as that would be
"Frankly, I resent the association."
    But, when I experienced a problem with my computer (i.e., not plugging it in), I was reminded of a huge information technology crisis which happened over sixteen years ago.

    Cue nostalgic waterfall effects....

    Let's return to a time when Bill Clinton was still president, mad
"Not everybody.  Sheesh."
cow disease caused everyone to be terrified to buy hamburgers, and Bruce Jenner didn't have boobies.


    A time when people began to worry that civilization as we knew it would end as we staggered into the new millennium (which, as anyone who watched Seinfeld knew, wouldn't start until the year 2001).

    Yes, the year 2000 (nobody ever just referred to it as just "2000") threatened to bring the world's computer systems to its knees.  Because, when computers were first designed (sometime after World War II.  Or later.  Or earlier. I could find out, but screw it.  Let's just say before most of us were born), the whiz kids who gave us these boons of modern living failed to realize that, eventually, years would begin with "20" instead of "19."

"Meh.  Don't sweat it.
We'll probably be dead by then, anyway."
    So, they blithely adopted a two digit, rather than four, timing convention.  I guessed they figured anything more was "so 21st Century."  By the time 2000 rolled around, they reasoned, computers would be as obsolete as horse drawn carriages and music videos on MTV.  Or sex robots would be invented and nobody would care anyway.

    Well, wouldn't you know it, they were wrong (yeah, I'm as
"You should see what I can do on this thing."
amazed at you that science got something wrong).  


    Computers, instead of being obsolete, had an even greater stranglehold on society.

    

        If something wasn't done about what came to be known as the 
"As if that would be a problem.  Pussy English."
"Millennium Bug Problem" (I gave up reminding people that the millennium didn't start until 2001) or, simply, Y2K, civilization as we knew would cease to exist.  Planes would fall out of the sky, nuclear power plants would explode, and George W. Bush would be president.  


    Essentially, we'd return to a 1900 lifestyle.  

      A global effort began to solve this potential disaster. 
"Is everyone's computer Y2K complaint?"
"You're shittin' us, right?"

     Legions of nerds and millions of dollars were marshalled to thwart Armageddon.  As I was in the Navy at the time and used computers for a substantial part of my job (to say nothing of cutlasses, grog, and parrots), I needed to ensure my systems were "Y2K Compliant."

Seriously, people sit down
and think about this stuff?
    Complicating matters was the fact that the Year 2000 also took "Gregorian Calendar Scholars" (and you thought "Shoe Salesman" sounded sexy) completely by surprise.  

    Apparently, 2000 was a Leap Year, after all.  To normal people, this probably is obvious.  But, it seems that there is a rule:  "If a year is divisible by 100 it is NOT a Leap Year.  But, if a year is divisible by 400, it is a Leap Year."





"10...9...35...3...potato...5..."
Okay, this may be in poor taste


    Anyway, as I watched Dick Clark count down to 2000, I nervously watched the sky.  

    Happily, all the effort expended to save us was worth it.  Planes did not fall from the sky, nothing exploded, and the zombie apocalypse did not happen.

    But, that damn dog next door didn't shut up.  And George Bush became president.

    Still, we don't seem to have suffered any lasting ill effects from "Y2K."  No catastrophic event seemed to have slipped through.
Except one.

Uh, oh.
















Thursday, April 28, 2016

'X' is for 'Xerxes'

 



"Dear Reader's butt rooks ruscious.
I give him 9.0 and maybe big hat."
    Well, what else did you expect?  

    After all, Xerxes is my favorite despot and craziest person this side of Kim Jong-un.





    Recent archaeological diggings in the ancient capital of Persepolis (Persian for 'Here There Be Crazy People') have turned up what appears to be the Persian Emperor's dating profile.  This has to be true because I read it on the Internet.  And, if television has taught us anything, you can't put something on the Internet if  it wasn't true.
"Bonjour."
    Now, for the first time since the A-Z Challenge started, may I present the Xerxes dating profile*.



Name:  Xerxes ('Xerxes the Great' to my friends)
Height:  5' 9", 6' 3", 15' 7", whatever it takes
Age:  Immortal.  Duh.
Weight:  195 lbs (this would be in kilograms, but I don't know metric.  Sue me.)/315 with gold.
Turn Ons:  Flaying
Turn Offs:  Being flayed
Favorite pastime:  Long walks along the beach.  Then slaughtering everyone.
Person Who I'd Most Like To Be:  Me, you idiot.  Although that Saddam guy showed promise.
Secret Crush:  King Leonidas.  Come on, look at those abs.
Favorite Color:  Really, you have to ask? 
Biggest Regret:  Not putting in a pool at the palace.  I mean, we're nowhere near the beach.

    My ideal match would be a girl who didn't mind sharing her jewelry.  Especially since I'd look so much better.  She'd be a simple spirit who would cater to my every wishes.   This includes feeding me kebobs while I watch  Babylonian captives being beheaded.  She must be a homebody who is comfortable in her body whether she's naked or...who am I kidding?...she must always be naked.  Unless my brother Herschel the So-So is visiting.  Then, she should at least throw on a tee shirt and sweatpants.  That guy is kind of a perv.  Most importantly, she'd keep her yap shut when I plastered my 'Man Cave' with posters of Gerard Butler.  And Trump.  She must be a Trump supporter. 
                   


*If you actually believe this is true, the Trump presidential campaign has a spot for you!
"And Mexico will pay all your expenses, that I can tell you."

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

'W' is for 'Whiny'




Sometimes, you feel like a nut...



Sometimes you don't...


Almond Joy's got nuts, Mounds don...

"I don't like either of those!
IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"


"You know, you're not yourself when you're hungry.
Here.  Have one of these."
"Better?"


"Better."

Hmmm, so apparently you do like nuts.


NOTE:  The appearance of Sammy Davis, Jr. courtesy of the Great Beyond.  Mr. Davis can normally be seen Sunday-Friday in Heaven's "One Eyed Black Jew Lounge."

Asked to participate in this post, Mr. Coleman was unavailable.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

'V' is for 'Viagra'



"Hey, you think I can get some of them
little blue pills under Obamacare?"

"If Mom gets elected, you can get those
things by the truckload."



"And we'll make MEXICO pay for them!!"
"Imagine.  Talking to Webb's little girl about stuff like that.
Kinda creepy, don't you think?"