Monday, February 8, 2016

Captain Caption LXXXIII

"Listen, I KNOW IT'S COLD OUT!
You people don't need to keep pawing my chest
just to find out how much!"

Friday, February 5, 2016

Times Are Tough

Apparently, the paper cup budget at work has been slashed.

The struggle is real

Monday, February 1, 2016

Captain Caption LXXXII



"Let me be clear.  This morning, as we begin the process to deny
 Hillary Rodham Clinton the Democratic nomination, I want to thank
 Al Penwasser for including me in his delightfully outrageous
  Captain Caption.  I consider it a great honor."

"Oh, yeah?  Not so much.  Al Penwasser and his
obnoxious Captain Captions have done
nothing to enric...hey, you gonna eat that?"


"MAKE AMERICA GREAT!
MUSLIMS, WETBACKS, BIMBOS, MEXICO,
CHINA, DEALS, PROSTATE EXAMS! I CAN DO IT!
BELIEVE ME!"











Friday, January 29, 2016

There It Went

    Well, we're not completely done digging out, but the storm which was came, saw, and finally got the heck out after dumping thirty inches on my town.

"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!"
    Of snow.

    Thanks to all of you who couldn't sleep because you were worried about me.  Yeah.  I know none of you did.  As I dug us out, I realize that I've reached an age where all those warnings about strained backs and exploding hearts don't seem nearly as outrageous as when I was in my 20s.  Back then, all I was concerned about was getting rid of the snow as quickly as possible. So I could rush out to the club so strange women could ignore me.
  
"Sorry.  You're not my type."
    Part of my post, Here It Comes outlined what exactly we should all go shopping for when faced with the snowy apocalypse.  One of those items was "Penis Pasta."  Part of the little phallic macaroni's allure is that it gets much bigger in water.  Unfortunately, that would be boiling water. So, this probably wouldn't be wise for all penises.  Don't ask me how I know.  Just have a feeling.

"Hey, willya lookit this?  It gets bigger in water."
"So, that's why you were molesting the tea kettle."
    Two of you commented on this.  Jo-Anne commented "Don't think I have ever seen penis-shaped pasta."  But, she also claims to have never seen kangaroos on Australian beaches, either.  Her claims may be invalid.
Unless the Internet is lying to us.
    Jeff Bushman of The High Cost of This Low Living also stated, "Nothing is as good as penis shaped pasta during a snow..."  At first, I was very frightened and determined to never go camping with him.  Then, he finished with, "...wait WTF did you just say?"

    Good save, Bushman.  Good save.

    Anyway, like I said, the snow is virtually all gone.  I now can move about freely.  My only problem?
What the frik am I supposed to do with a case of these?

Monday, January 25, 2016

Caption Caption LXXXI

"No, Grandma, you stupid cow.  They had their hands
  behind their heads.  Here, let Valerie show you how it's done."

Friday, January 22, 2016

Here It Comes

    As I write this, the weather report is full of doom, gloom, and dire warnings of the snowstorm rapidly approaching the East Coast. Children are at once thrilled at the prospect of frolicking in winter's magical white and hacked off that it's happening on a Saturday (meaning school will probably go on as scheduled Monday).   Grownups (and me) are peeved at the prospect of digging out from this annoyance.  But, after all, it IS January.  I suppose we should expect things like this.
Could be worse.
Consider the Donner Party in January, 1847.
Google it.  It's actually kinda sad.
    Except in Australia.  Times like this, I hate Australia.
"Up yours, mate.  G'day."
        The talking heads predict we'll get close to twelve inches.
    
"OMIGOD! OMIGOD! OMIGOD!  DID YOU HEAR THAT??"
NOTE:  Seriously,is anyone surprised by this?
This is what's known as a 'comedy softball.'

    Better go the store and get some milk, eggs, bread, batteries, water, soap, plywood, kitty litter, canned soup, plywood, wax-coated matches, cereal, tuna fish, scouring pads,penis-shaped pasta, kindling, dirty mags, orange juice, fishing line, duct tape, matches, carpet steamer, baby formula, gumballs, snowmelt, frozen meatballs, ice cream, and booze.
"And lube.  Don't forget the lube."
    Well, this blog shows every indication that it's going to get out of control.  

    I'd better head to the store before they run out of the good ice cream.
"All they've got at Giant is Rum Raisin!!
I'd better go to Shop Rite!!"

    Meanwhile, my dog is unimpressed....



    Stay warm and dry, my friends.

    Australia?  Yeah, you're time's coming.

"In the meantime, though...nice jugs there, Sheila."


Monday, January 18, 2016

Captain Caption LXXX


"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."