Even though this is another dreadful repost, it's my favorite Halloween story. One of the advantages of growing up in my family is that I have plenty of stories to tell. While this is not a "growing up" story, it does involve my family. I also don't like to follow a post with another post the next day. But, it is Halloween today, after all. Also, mostly no pictures (except the very last one). I prefer to let the writing speak for itself (said the man not nearly as talented as Steve Hayes).
I promise you, this is 99% true.
The young wife pulled her sweater tight as a sudden gust whipped a handful of dead leaves past her ankles. Sure was starting to get cold, she thought.
Glancing down at the half-empty candy jar at her feet, she was thankful she’d bought enough goodies for the hordes of trick-or-treaters which continued to rampage through her neighborhood.
With only an hour to go, she breathed a sigh of relief. At least she wouldn’t have to break into last year’s stash of petrified candy corn. Or, worse, the spare change lodged in the back of the sofa.
In a pinch, she wondered whether she’d be able to get away with handing out those ketchup packets stashed in the cupboard over the stove.
For some reason, though, she doubted the kids would buy her assurances that ketchup was “nature’s candy.”
So, mercifully, her house would be spared the ravages wrought by pint-sized wrecking crews denied their sugar fixes.
With a break in the action, she picked up a Fun-Size Milky Way bar. No, check that. TWO fun-size Milky Ways-more fun that way. With a weary sigh and mouth full of chocolaty goodness, she plopped into the chair set by her open door.
No sooner had she sat down then four miniature super heroes-Batman, Spiderman, and the unfortunately-named Captain Incontinence and his sidekick, Wet Nap Boy, came trooping up her driveway.
Quickly hiding the empty candy wrappers in the pocket of her sweater, she stood to welcome her visitors. They looked harmless enough, even the one kid-Captain Incontinence?-who held his trousers up with one hand while dragging a sack full of tooth decay with the other.
Greeted by a cheery chorus of “Trick or Treats,” she smiled, extending the candy jar to the tiny defenders of truth, justice, the American way, and proper hygiene.
Their needs sated, the junior crime fighters excitedly scampered towards her neighbor’s house. Relieved her home continued to be spared, she noticed a lone figure standing at the end of her driveway.
Her visitor was fairly large. She figured he was one of those kids from the middle school-the kind who refused to let go of his childhood. Usually those kids just grabbed a pillowcase and headed door-to-door, their menace masked only by a surly, “I’m an egg-thrower” when asked what their costume was.
This kid was dressed up, though, but he gave her the willies. He was sporting blue jeans and a red flannel shirt, which were innocuous enough. But, what really creeped her out was that hockey mask he wore and...was that a knife in his right hand? He looked just like that...Freddy? Michael? No, he looked like Jason! Yeeks!
With a trembling hand, she presented the jar to the motionless figure. “Hey, there. Do you want some candy?”
Hmm, she thought, not too crazy about this. Why doesn’t he just toss a couple rolls of toilet paper in my trees and be done with it?
She closed her door, frantically trying to figure out what to do.
At that moment, her husband’s car pulled into the driveway.
“Oh, look,” he thought as he parked, “one of those Halloween trick-or-treaters. Kinda big, though.”
He got out of his car and cheerfully called out to the kid, “Hey, howzit goin’?”
“That’s weird,” he thought.
Quickly turning his back, he entered the side-door and saw his wife. She looked a little freaked-out. “Hey, you see that nut out there? What’s going on?”
Wide-eyed, she shrugged her shoulders and whispered, “You got me. He’s just been standing there for the past ten minutes. Uh...you didn’t see if he had a knife or anything, did you?”
His eyes went wide and he stepped to the closed door. Glancing through the curtains, he said, “Yeah, sure looks like one. Man, I don’t like this. I’m turning off the outside light.”
Casting the porch in darkness, he motioned for her to join him. Together, they peered at the motionless form bathed in the yellow light of the streetlamp.
“Maybe he’ll get the idea we’re done for the night,” she hoped.
“Yeah, I-hey! He’s starting to walk this way.”
His wife shrieked. Clapping her hands to the side of her head, she dropped to the kitchen floor. “Oh, my God! What’re we going to do!?”
He joined her. “I don’t know. I’d better call the cops!”
They heard shuffling footsteps as their visitor scraped along the loose rocks of their driveway.
Starting to lose it, she begged, “No, don’t leave me!”
Her husband scrambled on his knees to the kitchen island. Maybe he’d find a knife or....ladle!!?? What the-that won’t do! He kept rifling through the drawer. Cheese grater...potato peeler...garlic press...ah, here was a knife!
As he turned toward his almost-catatonic wife, he heard the footsteps suddenly stop.
And the doorbell ring.
The two of them inched their way to the window and gingerly peeked through the bottom of the curtain.
They heard low snickers of laughter behind a hockey mask which bounced up and down.
Standing bolt upright, the husband flung open the door and shouted, “You idiot! You gave us both heart attacks!”
The Moral of the Story: It’s a good thing my brother has a sense of humor. Otherwise, I mighta got stabbed that night. Or bludgeoned with a cheese grater.
|"And, don't be forgetting that tomorrow is All Saints Day, you cheeky little bastard. |
I'd best be seeing you in church tomorrow, Penwasser.
By the way, I'm loving me some Milky Ways."