Monday, January 2, 2017

Okay, I'll Be Going Then

    After a whole lot of deliberation, woolgathering, navel-gazing, and nosepicking (NOTE: that last had nothing to do with my decision.  I just had a few bats in the batcave, that's all.  Don't judge me.),  I've hit upon my resolution for 2017 (well, besides, waking up on January 1st, 2018.  That seemed to work pretty well yesterday, but I digress).

   While I've not been especially vexed by anything specific, I've
Or give up cliff-diving with cinder blocks.
I may give that up for Lent, though.
decided to drastically throttle back on my presence on social media for the upcoming year.  Hey, it was either that or go to the gym more often (and, by "more often," I mean "at all").

"What the all that getting my own
Instagram account talk was just that?  Talk?"

   Therefore, I will no longer be posting, commenting, "liking," or otherwise adding random bits of silliness (I'm talking to you, Bones) to my "Ken Lynch" Facebook account (I deactivated Al Penwasser's Facebook last month, that irksome rascal).

    In related news, I will also no longer be posting anything here on Blogger.  Probably not as drastic as it could have been, I suppose. After viewing all the hits I was getting from Russia, I considered deleting this account altogether.  Then, we'd never reconnect with each other.  At least with what I'm planning, I can still visit your blogs.

NOTE:  Any caption I could write
would probably gross you out.
So, I'll just leave it alone.
    So I don't go completely cold turkey, though, I'll continue a Twitter presence.  The good thing about Twitter is that, with a limit of 140 characters, I am less prone to suffer "diarrhea of the keyboard."  Get in, say what I have to say, and return to nosepicking.

That elevator thing isn't as popular as you'd think.
     I will continue to play "Words With Friends," "Trivia Crack," or "Farting in Elevators."  And, if anyone asks me a specific question on Facebook, I'll answer in Messenger.  Likewise, I'll continue writing my hideous books.  Even though they have not reaped a financial windfall, writing is a hobby I enjoy.

    Who knows?  Like every resolution known to man, I may stop this nonsense and return to spouting other nonsense.  But, for now, I'll be taking a little break.
"Son of a b...he couldn't have left sooner?"
    So long for now.  And try to keep the celebrating to a dull roar.

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Happy New Year 2017!

  My 2016 Resolution is to wake up on January 1st, 2017.  

  Since I wrote this on January 2, 2016, I have no idea how that worked out.

Will I still look like this?

Or this?

Or did I wind up like this?

Although, if I would up like this, I probably wouldn't still be annoying my family.

But, if I did make it, can you keep it down?  After last night, I may have a headache.

"Good Lord, I'm gonna look like that!?
And here I thought crapping in a plastic bucket was degrading."

Monday, December 26, 2016

Happy Kwanzaa!

Seven Days.  Not just one, like Christmas.
Of course, we get Xbox's on Christmas, not corn and fruit.

    In the spirit of other made-up holidays such as Valentines Day, Festivus, and Boxing Day, I thought I'd devote today's post to Kwanzaa, a celebration of Family, Community, and Culture.
"Did you know that 'Boxing Day' was made up?
On the other hand, I'm dead, so I don't give a crap."
    Created in 1966 by Maulana Karenga as a way for African-Americans to fully appreciate their heritage, Kwanzaa is a week long observance which revolves around the following seven core principles:

Unity:  Unity of family, community, and race
Self-Determination:  Define and name ourselves
Collective Work and Responsibility:  Build and maintain our communities together
Cooperative Economics:  Build and maintain our shops, stores, and other other businesses
Purpose:  Build our communities up so we can restore our people to their former greatness.
Creativity:  Always do as much as we can in order to leave our communities more beautiful and beneficial than we inherited.
Faith:  Believe in our family, friends, parents, teachers, leaders, and in the righteousness of our victory and struggle.

    Even though in its initial years, Karenga meant for Kwanzaa to be an "oppositional alternative" to Christmas, it has come to be more accepted by Christians and take its place in the "Happy Holidays" lexicon of American culture.

    Bottom line, made up or not, if someone wants to celebrate something, I couldn't care less if it was made up.  If it makes you happy, go crazy.
"Hey, did you make Penwasser write a serious post?
Well, cut it out!"
    Sigh...okay...while I could have gone crazy mocking this thing, I resisted.  I guess the spirit of the season made me more of a benevolent "mocker of the mockable."

    But, in order not to disappoint those who come here expecting high-quality comedy (NOTE:  those people have low standards), I've learned that "Kwanzaa" is a word from the Swahili language which means "Something to do after Christmas."

    That's all I'm going to say.

    This will be my last post for 2016.  I may comment on some of your blogs, I may not.  But I won't be writing anything new until the new year.

    So, until then, be kind to each other.  And, for goodness sake, don't juggle with knives, play with matches, or make fun of Trump supporters on Twitter or Facebook.
"Hear that, 'Runs With Scissors'?  He probably means you, too.  
You'll have to leave.  
And you can take that eel pie while you're at it, too."

NOTE:  Yes, this is a recycled joke.  But, it's the holidays.
Cut me some slack.
Thank you in advance for your understanding.

Finally, I know 'Boxing Day' is a real thing and has nothing to do with boxing, despite the name being the same.  I actually think it has something to do with FedEx or UPS or some other such shit.  Hey, I was first going to go with Canadian Thanksgiving, but I didn't want to tick Pat Hatt off.  

You're welcome.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

Merry Christmas!

    As you're reading this, I'm probably sleeping off wild Christmas Eve celebrations.  Oh, who am I kidding?
    I'm probably sleeping, though.

"Now there were shepherds in that region living in the fields and keeping night watch over their flock.  The angel of the Lord shone around them...and said to them, 'Do not be afraid; for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  For today in the city of David, a Savior...hey!! What the frik is that guy doing tying his shoe in the stable??'"
-Luke, Chapter 2, Verses 8-10

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Silent Night

Even though this is Silent Night...
I'd like to wish all my Jewish friends Happy Hanukkah!

"No sense letting that little elf putz have all the fun."

Friday, December 23, 2016

I Thought He Was Born in Bethlehem

Not Outer Space

Who knew?

NOTE:  Makes turning water into wine sounds a little less remarkable now, doesn't it?

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Eating With Fishes

"Hey, if you don't mind, I'm gonna head over to the Scarperelli's.
They're putting on a huge feast over there.
All the kid's gonna do is holler, anyway.
Besides, that dude with the beard is really creeping me out.
I'll bring you some lobster if you like.
No, no, it's all good.  We're Catholic now."
    I know you were all expecting reposts and reruns this holiday season.  For the most part, that's exactly what you're going to get, tough guy.  But, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I should throw up (ooh, now there's an unfortunate term) something new for 2014.  That way, next year, I'll have an even more extensive trove of leftovers from from to pick...uh...over.

NOTE:  Well, since I posted this in 2014, this is now a repost.  I did add a couple new things, though. But, that tough guy thing still goes.

    After all, aren't classic holiday specials routinely joined by new 
Not necessarily better.
KnowhutImean, Vern?
offerings which are every bit as good as they are?  Yessiree, for every Charlie Brown Christmas or Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you have Ernest Saves Christmas.

    So, why not something new?

NOTE:  Once again, not new.  Thank you in advance for understanding.

    As you can see by this post's title, we're going to talk about something foreign.  And, since the title isn't in French, you know this won't be pornographic.  Or involve Jerry Lewis in any way-interestingly enough, there was such a thing as The Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis Christmas Show.  Yeah, makes you want to reconsider that Ernest thing, huh?
Usually followed by Dean throwing up and then passing out on Jerry.
NOTE:  There was a Jerry Lee Lewis Christmas special.  But, that had to be cancelled after he married the producer's nine-year old daughter.

  Anyway, La Vigilia Natale refers to an Italian custom that occurs on Christmas Eve.  Each year, on December 24th (that would be Christmas Eve, for those of you who just want to talk Kwanzaa), Southern Italians and  Italian-Americans gather together to maintain a vigil (i.e., vigilia) for the birth (i.e., natale) of the little baby Jesus.
Wrong Jesus
    NOTE:  Never let it be said you can't learn anything new at Penwasser Place.  You've now learned two Italian words.  Hey, you're on your own with "La" and "di."  But, I really think you can figure those out on your own.

"You should be so lucky,
Mr. Al F**kface Penwasser?"
    Since waiting around for a kid to be born can get tedious, these same folks use the occasion to look at dirty pictures of Snooki eat, primarily seafood.  Although, in a pinch, cousin Francesca....oh, I am not going there.  Penwasser Place is a family-friendly blog.  Well, not really, but there is a line.

    Accompanied by other dishes and alcohol (naturally), a variety of fish is served:  baccala (i.e., salted cod.  When I learned this was fish, my stepfather's old saying, "Something smells fishy and it ain't baccala" made sense), smelts, eels (again with the'd think these people would have learned at Thanksgiving), whitefish, squids, mussels, sardines, anchovies, clams, and lobsters (which I am convinced is an "Up yours!" to their Jewish friends because lobster isn't kosher).

    NOTE:  See related, "Ham At Easter."
"Oh, I'm sorry.  No Italians were allowed.
Bad enough we had these Indians."

    The number of courses vary from 13 (for the fat bastards) to 7 for those who are more tradition-bound.

    NOTE:  The legend has it that "7" is used because '7" is repeated something like over 700 times in the Bible (someone counted?  Talk about a boring Saturday night!) to "on the 7th day God rested" to 7 sacraments to 7 hills of Rome to "3" being the number for the Trinity added to "4" which is the number used for the Earth to give you "7."  Frankly, I think this last one is a YUGE stretch (thanks, Mr. President-Elect!).

"And the number of the counting shall be 'three.'"
"Seven, sir."
NOTE:  Not an accurate quotation.  Go with it.

    In any event, this holiday observance is also known as the "Feast of the Seven Fishes."
"It's not "Feast of Seven Sleeps With the Fishes, idiota!!
What the hell am I going to tell Snow White now!?"
    And, now you know.

    Here you thought I was going to make fun of Charlie Brown's Christmas, didn't you? 

    Okay.  Maybe a little.
Talk about your basic White Christmas
"Okay, Charlie Brown, your friend Franklin can come for Thanksgiving,
 but he has to sit on his own side of the table.
You blockhead."